Your love for someone can transform but it takes time
Breakups cause disruptions in plans, in life and in all the dreams you had with that person, so when a relationship ends it usually feels like your world is coming to an end. The thought of cutting your ex out of your life feels wrong because they were such a huge part of it. And if you both understand that you didn’t work as a couple, yet you had a great friendship you wonder if it would be so bad to stay in touch and be friends?
But can ex’s even be friends, or would that put a pause on the moving on process?
Not So Fast
After going through a breakup the thought of being friends with an ex seems like a good idea to begin with. We don’t take into consideration all the hurdles that come with trying to form a friendship with a past lover.
We try to convince friends and family that it will be fine but they don’t buy it. More importantly, we try to convince ourselves that we can just be friends with an ex without any emotional messiness.
“I’m fine now” or “I miss having them in my life” or “we both agreed to stay friends after the breakup” are some of the excuses we like to use. And because we’re already in so much pain from the breakup we don’t realise that trying to be friends with an ex so soon will only cause more damage.
Even if the breakup was amicable you both still need to go through a period of no contact, or at least have some time to work through emotions and get your life together before you allow them into your life again.
Remember:
If the relationship was toxic or abusive don’t try to maintain a friendship with that person. Cutting ties completely is the best option. Always distance yourself from that sort of situation.
Consider This First
You need to think about your future romantic relationships. How will they flourish with your ex still in the picture?
How are you really going to feel about having your ex in your life still?
Will they be a compatible friend?
Are you only wanting to be friends with them because you’re hoping or wanting to get back together?
Assess the real reasons you want to be friends with your ex before you go making any decisions.
Distance Allows the Heart to Heal
If you’ve really put some thought into this and you truly do want a friendship with your ex then first you’ll need to distance yourself from them.
Your love for someone can transform but it takes time.
If you had deep feelings for your ex then you will understand that distance is going to help heal your heart and turn that love into something other than romantic feelings.
You will come to see all the reasons why you didn't work out as a couple and why you may work out better as friends. So, going through a few weeks or months of no contact with your ex will help sort those feelings out.
By distancing yourself from the situation you’ll get your life back on track and bring yourself to a good place emotionally and mentally.
After some time apart your mind will be clear. You won’t be as emotionally invested in the relationship and you could possibly start a great friendship with your ex.
Boundaries
If you are to have a healthy friendship with an ex you will need boundaries. One rule that you should follow is don’t talk every day or see each other too often. Yes, you want their friendship, yes you deeply care about them and you might want to know what’s going on in their life but you are no longer their partner so you don’t need to know everything. Maybe in a year or so you could have a closer friendship but take it slow. Perhaps catching up with each other every few months is okay for both of you but don’t get into the habit of talking and seeing each other often.
You will constantly have to reassess your friendship and figuring out where you stand with each other. This sort of thing can get complicated because there are usually still feelings involved.
And be sure not to discuss your love lives with one another. Jealousy is a tricky problem that will come up if you’re not careful.
So it seems that if you wanted a friendship with an ex there are quite a few things to take into consideration. But yes, you can be friends with an ex, it just might take some time to get there.
Well that is all for now, thanks for reading and have a great day ❤
Originally posted on Medium
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