Fireflies

I’m still grieving the future I’d imagined with the man I thought loved me. It’s crushing to find out just how wrong you could be about someone. Your world tilts on its axis and you stumble around and fall, until you can get your feet back under yourself and take the first tentative steps into a very different world.

It’s only been a couple of months, but someone new is already getting under my skin, so I leave my third floor apartment with nervous energy.

It’s a “not a date” date. Just bubble tea and board games. I have twenty minutes to make my way downtown to meet him and I know I’ll get there early. My friends always complain that I walk too fast.

As the sun ducks below the line of trees and tall college buildings, fireflies appear in the thick, green bushes that stand on the ledge above the sidewalk. Some university landscaper probably planted the dense hedge to block the sound from the road. I pass dorms and the student union and catch firefly after firefly.

I always catch them on evening walks in the summer. Just like I did as a child in our backyard near the pond, I start to fill my hands. It’s a game to see how many I can catch and carefully cradle without crushing them.

I never crush them.

Usually many escape along the way because I don’t want to hurt any of the small, wonderful bugs. My brain knows that they’re just beautiful bio-luminescence in action, but my heart calls it magic.

My hands are too big for a lady. My fingers are slender, long, and make small gaps, so fireflies wiggle out and fly away. I try to gently snatch them again. Some escape back into the bushes.

The evening is bringing some much appreciated relief from the heat of the day. It’s still humid and the weatherman says big storms are only a day or so away. I’d like a good storm.

Then, at least, my insides would match the outside for a little while.

I’m confused, excited, and nervous. I’m sure it’s too soon to like someone new, but I can’t seem to help it.

I don’t realize how slowly I end up walking.

I’m ruminating and lost in thought because I don’t know any better- yet.

I’m thinking about my “ex”. I’m wondering how I missed the fact that he never would have been a good spouse.

“Good thing you figured it out before you married the wrong guy!” I tell myself.

I catch another one!

That’s the funny thing about falling in love with someone who is wrong for you. It’s harder to release the doomed relationship.

And another!

People hold too tightly to something that they should know they need to let go. You don’t want to crush those dreams, but sometimes you get lucky and they escape between you fingers anyway.

“People? You mean you!” protests my inner monologue.

Another!

You might try to snatch it back, cradle it carefully, but it never works.

Another!

At least not with the wrong person, anyway.

As I walk, I lose count of the number I have cupped within my hands.

I don't know it yet, but I've lost track of time.

The sun is down now, but there’s still plenty of light. I see him on the sidewalk waiting for me. He looks relieved to see me. I must be late!

Maybe I’m so late, he didn’t think I was coming.

“I’m sorry,” I say. “There were fireflies.”

I can see the slight, bemused, confusion on his face. His head tilts like he’s trying to decide what to say.

I wonder if I’ve just blown it with him. Maybe now he thinks I’m too flaky to be worth his time.

Maybe he’ll think I’m ridiculous!

Oh well, I just have to let it all go.

Deep breath!

I open my hands and dozens of fireflies escape. They float through the air between us like glowing confetti.

I think, “I bet it was a record” and I smile.

I meet his eyes and…

Yup, he definitely thinks I’m nuts.