Finding Peace

The noise was unfathomable. She tried to go back to sleep. She tried to block out the noise, but she couldn’t. How could she with that insufferable racket outside this flimsy “cabin”? She groaned with discontent. She couldn’t believe her dad had drug her to this remote jungle. She left all her friends, gave up all aspects of normal life and now she was being forced to give up her sleep. She couldn’t stand it. She hated this jungle and couldn’t understand why anyone would want to save this horrible place. The bugs were enormous and terrifying. The heat and humidity were next level oppressive. How could he do this to her? How could he drag her down here away form all the memories of her mom? Couldn’t he see how much she was hurting? She needed to be distracted by her friends and malls. She needed to come to terms with the loss of her mom. She didn’t need to be in the middle of nowhere in a bug-ridden hell hole. She knew the sun would rise soon and after begging and pleading with the almighty sleep Gods she drifted back into an anything but restful slumber.

The sun brought yet another day of this hell and another day of mundane activities. She rolled out of her hammock and landed in a heap of limbs on the floor. She groaned and heaved herself up off the rug. She began to day dream about her lost life while she prepared for the day. She knew she would have to help her dad gather data in the jungle and she knew that it would be hot. She decided on shorts and a tank top with her hiking boots, her new look so far, and dressed quickly as she wondered what her friends were doing back home. She pulled her long blonde hair back into a ponytail and left her cabin in search of her dad.

Most days began with her helping her father gather various kinds of data or plants. Then they would head back to camp, and she would read or watch DVD’s while he did his work. Sometimes she would video call her friends back home in the evening or try to scroll through social media if the internet would allow. She hated this life, and she missed her home. She missed running water and toilets that flushed.

“Hey there sleepy head” her dad’s voice interrupted her day dreams about home.

“I barely slept last night. It’s so loud here”

“You’ll get used to it”

“I’ve been here nearly two weeks now, dad. I’m so tired. Can’t I just go home and stay with Aunt Viv until you get back?”

“We’ve been over this, Bri. You are stuck with me this summer. It’ll be good for both of us kiddo”

“How is this good for me? I probably have malaria”

“You were vaccinated so you’ll be okay”

“Do we really have to stay all summer?”

“Maybe you’ll grow to love it here.” She laughed loudly at him. “Let’s get out to the site cranky pants” She rolled her eyes. She did love him, and she was almost glad to be spending extra time with him. He hasn’t been the same since the accident and she knew he needed this time away. In the fall he’d go back to teaching at the college and life would resume as normal. It was only three months. She took a deep breath and followed her father and his research team consisting of two college students.

It was a short walk to the site where they had been collecting plants for medical research. She put on her gloves and reluctantly took her shears and got to work. She could hear monkeys in the distance.

“What kind of monkeys are we hearing now?” she was trying to make the best of this terrible situation.

“That would be the infamous howler monkey” her dad’s assistant Trey answered almost awkwardly.

“Why are they infamous?”

“I guess that wasn’t the best word” he blushed a little and Bri smiled.

“Oh, look Bri” she looked toward her dad and saw his arm was outstretched pointing to the canopy. She followed his gaze and was pleased to see brilliant flashes of color against the dark green canopy. “They were always your mom’s favorite” his voice trailed off and he went back to work. She could see the sadness bubbling below the surface of his forced half smile.

“They are really beautiful” she watched them until they were out of sight. She could see why her mom loved those birds. She remembered a year or so before the accident they were in a pet store and her mom saw one in a cage and cried. She didn’t understand then but seeing them here, where they were meant to me, she understood. She went back to work reminiscing about her mother.

“Lunch time” her dad’s voice startled her. They had worked the rest of the morning mostly in silence. They gathered near the base of a large Sumaumeira tree the top of which, wasn’t even visible through the canopy. They each found their place on the large tarp they had taken most of their lunches on since they arrived. She studied her dad’s face. She knew he was lost without her mom around. The sadness was etched in deep lines on his face and bubbled and brimmed just behind his eyes. Losing her had aged him in a way she never thought possible.

“What are we having today?” she asked even though she already knew the answer.

“Well, we ran out of jelly yesterday, so peanut butter sandwiches and some protein bars.”

“Yum” Trey said smiling

“Do you think the enzymes in this plant will really do what they’re hoping it will?” Caleb asked

“I think it might” her dad was glowing. Science was his passion in life. She couldn’t remember all the trips her dad had gone on before the accident to study this or that. He would joke often how his trips were all for the betterment of humanity. So far though he hadn’t discovered anything momentous or ground breaking. Still, he loved his job and that much was clear.

“That really would be amazing” Caleb added

“Can you imagine being part of the team that found the cure for dementia?” Trey had a far off look in his eyes likely imagining the fame and fortune a discovery like that could bring.

“That’s why we’re out here guys. I know the rainforest can be a terrible place most days. But there are secrets here hidden in plant enzymes and small bugs that might save a lot of people. It’s a huge honor to be out here, even if we don’t find anything of importance. We’re here on the front lines trying to advance science. What could be better than that?”

“A/C” Bri answered quickly and they all chuckled. She knew why he was out here, and she knew his work was important. He had missed so many moments in her life to be in places like this slaving away in the name of science. She used to get angry with him. She used to wonder why these stupid plants were more important than her, after she lost her mom though she forgave him for a lot of things she didn’t understand. Life was too short, too fragile to care about things that shouldn’t matter. The boys talked in science nerd for the rest of lunch, and she tried to fight off the enormous bugs that were trying to swarm her.

They continued gathering the small green plants they were sent here to find into the early evening. She and her aching back were glad when her dad called it quits and they began their trek back to the camp. She walked with Trey, he was closest to her age and not completely unfortunate to look at, even if he was awkward and nerdy.

“I hate it here”

“How could you hate it here? The rainforest is amazing, it’s a cornucopia of life.” He seemed almost wounded.

“I guess I’m just more into places with running water and malls” she laughed but Trey just looked at her confused.

“You could be part of the cure for dementia. That’s at least cool right?” He pulled back a branch blocking their path and held it for her.

“I mean I get that I should want to help others and all, I guess it’s just hard right now to see how any good could come from this.” He laughed.

“I guess it is a little unglamorous down here in the trenches. Do you think you’ll become a scientist like your dad some day?”

“Never” she laughed in reply. “He missed so much of my life while I was growing up. I don’t want to do that to my family.” she kept her voice low so her dad wouldn’t hear her. She knew he loved his job and he felt terribly about the dance recitals and birthdays he missed. “I just want a normal life where I don’t worry about all sorts of things I could never change anyway.”

“How do you know you couldn’t change them if you don’t try?” she fell silent after he asked that question.

“I guess I don’t” she said after a while.

“Maybe a lot more things would change in our world if people believed they could change things. I think that’s why I wanted to be a scientist, why I want to preserve places like this. We’re all connected someway, and, in that connection, we become stronger, healthier, happier. Even this rainforest is paramount to your own happiness way back home in Virginia.”

“I guess I never really saw it that way” she almost felt bad for disliking it here so much. He looked at her and seeing her sullen face he laughed.

“Don’t feel bad, most people don’t think much about the rest of the world or why places like this should matter.” She looked up at him and smiled. They were nearly back to the camp. She did feel bad though, she felt privileged and entitled wanting to live in her bubble pretending the world around her wasn’t important. She grabbed her book, a dime store romance type, and ungracefully mounted the outdoor hammock. She couldn’t stay focused on it for long. She kept thinking about what Trey had said. Here she was in the middle of this amazing place reading a ridiculous story about star crossed lovers. Maybe she should try to help them. She could hear the radio playing 70’s chart toppers from the lab tent. Her dad loved 70’s music and he brought plenty of mixed CD’s along to pass the work hours in his lab. Or at least what passed as his lab in this remote area. She heard a loud clamor and looked up to the canopy above her and saw several scarlet macaws sitting on the branches. They looked like they were eating some sort of nuts. Holding it in their claws they used their beaks to crack them and eat them. Their bright red, blue and yellow feathers glinting in the small streams of sunlight that managed to break through the dark leafy canopy above. They really were pretty birds. She continued to watch them as they used their feet as hands. They seemed to be pulling on each other’s feathers too. She had no idea what that was about, but it really was entertaining and somehow serene to watch them. They were very vocal birds making a wide array of sounds while eating their dinner and pulling on each other. She knew there was a pair of binoculars in the lab tent. She rolled out of the hammock hoping her very ungraceful dismount wouldn’t scare them away. They stayed and almost seemed to watch her as she tumbled to the ground from the hammock. She walked to the lab tent and walked inside.

“Hey kiddo, are you bored with your book already?” her dad asked looking up from his microscope when she walked in.

“No, I was hoping you had binoculars”

“They’re in this cabinet over hear by me.” Caleb answered not even looking up from his laptop.

“Why do you need binoculars?” her dad seemed confused.

“The macaws outside seem to be, like pulling on each other’s feathers. I wanted to get a better look.”

“Oh yeah? Probably just preening each other.” Trey said while fetching the binoculars and walking to her, his hand out stretched.

“Preening?” she asked while taking the binoculars. She had no idea what that word meant.

“Yeah, like cleaning almost. You use a brush to straighten and care for your hair. They use their beaks and tongues.”

“I was watching them eat and they were using their feet like hands.” She smiled

“They use their beaks almost like hands too” her dad added while looking into the microscope in front of him.

“That’s pretty cool” she said “I think I’ll go watch them a little”

“Here take this, you know, in case something is noteworthy” Trey handed her a spiral bound notebook.

“Thanks” she smiled at him taking the notebook and quickly found a pen on the counter “can I steal this too?” she asked.

“Of course,” her dad answered having no idea what she was holding up. She laughed a little to herself and walked back out to the hammock. She held onto her treasures tightly as she clamored back into the hammock. The birds almost seem to laugh at her as they watched. She smiled up at them, raised the binoculars to her eyes and adjusted them until she could see each feather on each bird clearly defined. They were truly beautiful, a riot of color in this dark green world. She opened the notebook and wrote the word preening on the page. Straightening and cleaning feathers she added. She then jotted down some notes about what the nuts looked like they were eating. She began to see aspects of individuality within the group of birds and noted all their traits. Before she knew it darkness was quickly approaching, and it would soon be time for dinner. She needed to get out of the hammock before Trey came out of the lab and saw her. She clutched her treasures to her chest and rolled. Crashing to the ground in a pile of slender limbs. She heard laughing. She instinctively looked up at the birds but realized quickly it was coming from Caleb and her dad who were walking out of the lab tent. Trey smiled sheepishly at her from behind them. She took a deep breath and stood up.

“Still not getting the hang of the hammock, eh?” her dad asked still smiling.

“It’s impossible” she smiled back.

“So how did the notes go?” Trey asked.

“Good I guess.” She looked down at the page and to her amazement she had written well over a page of notes.

“Looks it” Caleb said nodding toward her notebook.

They all made their way inside the primary living tent. Caleb started the fire and her dad worked on cooking a very modest dinner of pasta with a garlic butter sauce and pieces of grilled chicken for protein. It wasn’t the greatest food ever eaten but it wasn’t completely terrible either. She talked with Trey about the birds and some of the things they were doing. He explained more about them, and she took notes.

“Like a lot of the inhabitants of the rainforest their population is steadily decreasing.”

“What do you mean? Like they’re going extinct?” She was genuinely alarmed.

“Well, their numbers are decreasing so it’s possible it could go that way”

“Why are they decreasing?” She couldn’t believe anyone would hurt the beautiful yet aloof and comical birds.

“Mostly deforestation” her dad chimed in.

“That’s so sad”

“Yeah, it is” Trey added “But it’s not like it’s too late. They can still be saved” her eyes brightened when he said that. She wanted to spend more time watching them this summer. She couldn’t really explain why, it just felt important to her. She smiled at Trey nodding her head.

Maybe this was meant to be her thing, her purpose. She felt excited for the first time in a long time. Sure shopping, malls and her friends were good distractions and they helped her numb her pain, but this felt different. Like maybe she really had a purpose on this planet. Her dad stood up from the small wobbly table and walked out of the tent. She had hoped she hadn’t upset him. She knew her mom loved these birds too. Maybe talking about them had opened healing wounds. He returned a few moments later holding a small leather-bound book.

“This was your mothers” he handed her what looked to be a journal. “She started journaling on our first trip to the rainforest, before you were born”

“Yeah?” She asked in earnest. She had never known that her mom journaled.

“Yep, this was her journal from our first trip here. I think you’ll really like it.” She opened the worn pages and looked at the handwriting on the page. It was so weird seeing her words in her writing knowing she wasn’t alive anymore. She closed the page and laid it on top of her own notebook next to her on the bench.

They spent the rest of the evening switching between random small talk topics and nerdy plant enzyme talk. She excused herself earlier than she had on nights before and after prepping for bed and fighting her way into the hammock she laid there reading her mother’s words until she drifted to sleep.

She slept peacefully for the first time since she got there. Even the crazy noises outside hadn’t bothered her. She readied herself quickly and found a small backpack she brought along and packed both notebooks, hers and her mother’s, and her binoculars. She felt refreshed and almost excited when she left her tent to join the others and start another day.

When they saw the macaws, she stopped collecting plants and began watching them and making notes. Her dad smiled at her, hopeful she had caught the great science bug the same way her mother had so many years ago.

The days turned easily into weeks while she continued collecting her data and reading her mother’s words. She felt more connected to her than she ever had before her death. Even though she read through multiple journals one thing always remained constant, her mother’s love of those big red birds. Even years after her time in the rainforest she would write about them. About longing for that peace, she had found watching them in Brazil years ago. She would write about their symbolizing freedom and how happy she felt watching them. She even wrote about that time in the pet store where she saw one in a small cage. She had cried because it was so sad seeing what someone had done to that once magnificent bird. It wasn’t meant to be kept in a small cage; it was supposed to be soaring through the canopy with wild abandonment. It broke her heart that day to see that bird and slowly Brianna began to understand why her mom felt that way.

The weeks spun easily into months as she continued to research the macaws and her mother. Somehow in learning more about both of them, she found herself. She found her voice, her purpose in life, her meaning. She needed to protect this place, protect these birds. She thought when her mother died, she would never find joy again, never know peace. But here in this place, in this amazing and wonderous place, she found her happiness. She found the healing she needed. Maybe that’s why her dad had drug her down here in the first place. He knew how much she needed this world. When her summer in the rainforest finally came to an end she returned to an ugly world. Filled with hatred and greed that saddened her. Even when school started again, she longed for those days in Brazil with her mom’s words and the birds that healed her heart. She would forever be changed, just like her mother had been, because of the time spent in that magical world.