Fading hearts

I fell in love with you when we were 16. Even before I get to tell you about how I feel, you found yourself a girlfriend. She loved you a lot, and so did you. Tried my best to move on in secret, but after weeks, I decided to tell you. You said, "I was in love with you too. But I moved on." And my heart shattered. It was hard to forget about you because you sit right behind me in class. We would always laugh at the awkwardness in the air. It was uncomfortable, but we both knew it felt right.

A few months later, your girlfriend moved to a different school. At the same time, I was still trying to move on. Maybe her absence made you realized that I was always there. I was accessible. I was easy. We got closer. We swore that it was in the name of bestfriends. Nothing more, nothing less. We almost crossed the line many times. And every time, I had to remind myself that this happiness isn't mine. I don't deserve it. And I would tell you that we can't do this. We shouldn't.Let's stop here. And when that happens, we wouldn't talk to each other at school the next day. We would avoid each other. Both trying to not let ourselves fall for each other because of how wrong it was. That went on for 2 years, by the way. It was painful.

At 18, I moved on to college. And so did you. We didn't see each other anymore. 8 months into college, you texted me, saying sorry, for the 3 years that happened between us. I accepted your apology. The next day, you told me about your break up with your then girlfriend. I didn't know what to feel. I was kinda glad, but the guilt still consumes me everyday. A few weeks later, we got close again. We Facetimed. I was happy. "Finally", I thought. But then you changed your mind, saying that I was a rebound. And that you didn't wanna hurt me. You apologized again. We stopped talking for the second time. A year passed.

We had a big fight because I found out that you were also eyeing another girl when we were...well, complicated. I couldn't believe that you had a girlfriend, had a crush on me and also someone else at the same time. We stopped talking for the third time. Another year passed.

I invited you to come over to my house for Eid. "There will be a feast", I said. "Bring along some friends." And I apologized for, again, everything that has happened. And wow, I didn't expect you to actually come. We rekindled the friendship and I was so sure that everything will be okay this time. I'll be careful this time. We have learned our lessons this time. But...for some reasons...we could never be /just/ friends? It's impossible.

We gravitated towards each other and before we knew it, we were in a relationship. We went on dates. We finally flirted with each other without the guilt. Finally, right? A happy ending. I was the luckiest girl on earth. I was over the moon. After 4 long years. Finally.

.

But yeah, of course, you would fall out of love with me.Why wouldn't you, right? You said you were sorry for ending us but you were actually sorry you could never choose me. Ever since we were 16. For some reasons. It has been 5 months since then. We are now 21. We stopped talking. I hope that this will be the last time. God knows I couldn't bear any other more. I just wish you all the best in all that you do. And that for some reasons, I still have a soft spot for you. You can always find me if you need me. Take care. Let's not do this again.