Facing my Covid crush

Oh my god. I am a hot mess.

It’s been easy to build a picture of myself as a flawless, bright, laugh-a-minute, sexy babe, with an air of mystery whilst messaging on Microsoft Teams; it’s a whole different story now that I have to sit across from the most beautiful man who has ever graced the office and hold a real life conversation… Air of mystery? Try open book, prone to revealing the most embarrassing stories without even thinking. Laugh-a-minute? More like laugh unstoppably and uncomfortably for a minute because someone made a whimsical pun in the team meeting about German food being “the wurst”. You just can’t hide that sort of madness face to face! He’s going to think I’m a total clown!

Luka had started working with us about 6months ago in the middle of the Covid-19 lockdown 2.0. He was getting to know everyone and everything by email, video call and dumb luck. He’d obviously been told by someone that I was the office “know-it-all” because early in his first week I got a message asking for a guide to who is who, their job titles and the questions to ask them. I sent through my carefully manicured staffing structure and offered to set up a call to walk him through the bits of know-how that you’d never write down, but that help you to survive office life. You know the stuff… “Don’t mention the office Christmas Do unless you want to plan it” and “Yes, it is frustrating that June won’t answer the phone at 3:30 so she doesn’t get caught on a call that could last until after 4pm”. At least I didn’t have to help him negotiate which of the different cartons of milk he could and could not use in the fridge.

I’d wondered if he would have a European accent; Luka could certainly be an Eastern European name, and perhaps he’d have a gorgeous purr to his voice. But of course not. He was a true Mancunian and sounded very much like a Gallagher brother. He was warm, smart and familiar, and on that first call, he ignited a little spark within me; a little unfamiliar after 2years of being on my own. I was excited and intrigued to talk with him again.

Although we’d exchanged a few emails backwards and forwards, it was about 3 weeks after he started that we had our first full team meeting and I clapped eyes on his beautiful face. Thank goodness, by some quirk of fate, I’d opted to put a slick of eyeliner and a bit of lip tint on that morning; I could very easily have still been wearing my pyjama bottoms and had shower fresh wet hair scrapped back off my face. He was clean shaven, fair haired, with grey eyes and an infectious smile, and with that first glance, I felt that “little spark” become a little flame.

And now I see that beautiful face and the attached lithe body strolling across the bar towards me. I can’t help but smile; I’m so glad he’s here even though I’m so nervous I may combust at any second. He spots me and gestures towards my almost empty glass; do I want another? Is that wise? I nod back at him and he mouths “what is it?” “Merlot” I mouth back; I’m going for seductive but I probably just look demented. He shrugs and I whisper it under my breath again. He says “sorry” and shakes his head and without thinking I shout “MERLOT” across the room. He laughs. Oh for heaven’s sake Kate, chill out!

I try to regain my composure whilst he’s ordering. I think about all of the other things he already knows about me; the stuff that I can pretend he will remember more vividly than the girl screaming her drink order across an almost empty bar. He knows that my sister had her second baby 2months ago and that I’m dying to go and visit but restrictions mean I’m settling for video calls and gifts in the post. He knows that I’ve dreamt about being in an escape room three times in the last month. He knows that every Friday night I’ve been ordering a takeaway from somewhere new, just to try to make things a little different; he asks me for a rating out of ten every Monday.

At the same time, I’m so glad that he doesn’t know I’m absolutely smitten with him. A man I’ve met in person just once before, whilst we made sure that all the desks in the office were 2metres apart. We’d talked about catching-up for a drink loads of times whilst messaging, but it always felt like one of those things that you say without the real intention to do it. It was only as we moved furniture from one place to another that he said “when are we going for that drink then?”

That was a week ago, and I’ve spent almost every minute since then thinking about what I will wear, talk about, whether I’ll lose the power of speech, whether we’ll kiss. The kissing bit has preoccupied quite a bit of my time actually… During my car ride home from the office that day I’d imagined standing together in the corner of a cramped bar, when a natural pause would fall and he’d look in to my eyes, put his hand round the back of my neck and pull my mouth to his.

Oh, of course, that’s the thought in my head again now as he saunters over to me. “Penny for them?” he asks, and I scrabble for a suitable answer that isn’t “I was just imagining your lips against mine.” Instead I just tip the last delicious mouthful of the red wine in to my mouth and pull my fresh glass towards myself like a shield. For once in my overly verbose life, I am speechless.

I take in a big gulp of air and ask “how was your day?” He starts to tell me; he’s so passionate about his work, so talented, and that is so sexy. I’m happy to listen and just absorb the whole lot. I feel tingly from my head to my toes. This bit is easy; sitting back and listening to the man I’m infatuated with tell me about his world whilst I steal looks at his handsome grin. “And how was your day, Kate? You’re very quiet for you.” Oh no, must make brain function, must be interesting, must give wonderful man reason to keep sitting at this table with me.

“Quiet? No I’m just a bit preoccupied…” and I talk about how strange it is to be back out in the real world, actually able to venture out of the house and meet people again. “But it gives us chance to do this; I’m really glad that we’ve actually managed to meet up in person!” Ergh, too eager! Well at least he knows I’m happy to be here.

He smiles knowingly at me, “I’m glad to be here too.” In that moment, it feels like we’ve had 6months of foreplay as every single nerve-ending in my whole body stands to attention willing him to put his hand on my arm, my knee, my cheek – literally wherever he wanted!

I glance down at the table, struggling to meet his burning gaze and spot that his phone is silently ringing on the table. “Ellie” with hearts on either side of her name was flashing away on the screen, her picture an arm’s length sexy selfie of her face and near naked torso underneath. He must have spotted the change in my expression and looked down too, quickly picking up his phone and saying “I’ve got to take this”. He says a cheery “hello” before walking out of earshot.

I’m absolutely bewildered. What a moron? For 6months I’ve been caught up fantasising about this guy; diligently reading every message, believing that quick responses mean he’s actually interested. The whole thing has been in my head! Plain old me, with my silly quips, belly rolls, crazy dreams and kind heart would never be of any real interest to a guy who could have literally anyone.

Does it look too weird if I just get up and leave? Then he’ll know I read too much in to everything. But can I sit here and paint on a happy face, pretending that I think we’re just work friends too?

There’s nowhere to hide. Post-Covid bars are very organised; you’ve got to book a table, they have maximum capacities, long gone are the days when you could go somewhere with loud music and drown out your awkwardness.

“I’m back!” he beams at me. I hadn’t even noticed. I lost myself down the wormhole of self-doubt and I must look crestfallen. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?” He put his hand on top of mine.

After a big deep breath, I choose to tell the truth. What do I have to lose? I’ve only met him once really. I take a big swig of soothing Merlot and begin to speak. “I’m really nervous about tonight; it’s a good nervous though, like an excited nervous, because I’m actually getting to speak to you in real life. I feel kind of foolish saying this now, but I thought we were meeting for a date. I know I’ve read all the signals wrong. I’m sure it must be super obvious to you, but I really like you, and I thought the feeling was mutual but I see now that you have a girlfriend.” I put my head in my hands “my god I’m naïve. I thought you might like me. YOU! This gorgeous, interesting, capable…”

“Sssshhh” Luka cut me off. He pulled my chin up and softly pressed his lips against mine. “I don’t have a girlfriend; I just have a massive crush on you.” He kissed me again.

“But I saw your phone…” I mumble.

He takes his phone out of his pocket and starts scrolling through his contacts. “That was my sister; she was saved as ‘Bitch Features’ in my contacts, but she must have grabbed my phone when we were at mum’s this weekend.”

I mutter “But she was…” “Topless?” He replies. “Look closely”. He passes the phone to me and I peer at the picture. She is wearing a bikini but is clearly very muscly and biting a medal. “She’s a champion bodybuilder, she sent me this picture after winning her last competition. I’m so proud of her! She knew I was meeting you tonight so she just called to check how things were going and to say that if you break my heart, she’ll break your neck. She’s a really gentle soul!” He threw his head back laughing. “Now if you don’t mind, I’d very much like to restart this date of ours. Just be you, Kate. You blow me away every day, you don’t need to feel any more pressure because we are face to face.”

And with that, I lean across and kiss him again, just little more deeply. As I slightly pull away, I say “a full restart except for the kisses”.