Evening Rain

Twilight always seemed bleakest in the warmer months on the coast of Delaware. At least they were bleak for Jamie, anyways. It was a long stretch from his youth, the days of no sun and nights of no heat, but still, it felt the same. Ever since he lost his wife he’d been a wreck. The last three years were rough for him and he’d been trying all he could to keep himself from falling apart completely. Today was the anniversary of her death, three full years since the disease that took her mother and her aunt had taken her too.

Jamie was barefoot on the sand, letting the course grains rub between his toes. He had to smile a little bit, when he stared at the ocean long enough he could almost pretend he wasn’t hurting. Nothing else seemed to ease the pain like the sea. He’d tried hitting the bottle, attempted meditation, gave his best at therapy, experimented with drugs too, but so far the salt air was the only thing that helped. Maybe it had something to do with the way that every time he closed his eyes the seven years he’d spent with her played out to the tune of the waves.

Rubbing sweat from his brow, Jamie sighed. What was the point of being here anyways? What could his hands build that life would not destroy? How long had he wanted to die and forced himself to survive? Well the wait would not be much longer now, he’d decided it was time.

Jamie kept his eyes shut tightly when the thunder broke. A gut-wrenching boom filled the air and with the next flash of lightning he noticed something on the horizon. If there was anything keeping him here he would not have gone in the water, but he was hopeless and desperate to know. So, he began swimming towards what he now identified as a ship. As the waves grew taller Jamie began struggling to stay afloat.

By some miracle, just as he was out of strength to continue, Jamie reached the ship and pulled himself up the ladder with sheer willpower. As soon as he hit the deck he collapsed just beneath the ‘for sale’ sign. The rain, though hammering down, felt gentle on his skin. After a few minutes Jamie was able to stand and take in the beauty of the storm before him. Never in his 36 years here had he seen anything quite so magnificent. If every day took his breath away like this, he thought, then there’d be a reason to stay.

Now that he was fully lucid Jamie began exploring the ship, trying to see if anyone was on board. The expedition lasted only a short while before he determined that somehow no one else was here. In a curious motion he leaned his upper body over the ship’s railing. Though he was reading upside down he was able to make out the name on the side of the boat, Evening Rain.

By this point Jamie was belly laughing for two distinct reasons. Firstly, it was currently a rainy evening. Secondly, his wife always said she wanted to name a child Rain. It wasn’t exactly his first choice but after three years of failing to conceive and then the dead end of IVF he decided that if she finally got pregnant she could pick the name. After so much suffering she deserved at least that. At the four year mark it finally happened and neither of them could have been more grateful, baby Rain was on the way. Until she wasn’t. At the end of her first trimester his wife miscarried. They both cried that night. The next day she was diagnosed with an auto-immune disorder and they decided not to try again. In only a year he watched her bright brown eyes lose all sense of wonder, her dark skin grow dull, and the life completely drain from her body. Although this time he was the only one who cried. If he couldn’t see the pain written all over her face he wouldn’t have known just how bad it was. That July he buried her in the town where she grew up and her father still resided. He went to the ocean after the service and decided he’d stay awhile, after all, Delaware was beautiful this time of year and his wife still called it home.

When Jamie was able to stop his giggling fit he tuned into the sounds of the ship. A sort of knocking below deck sent vibrations up his spine. Then the knocking turned to footsteps and eventually a voice that asked,

“Who are you?”

“I-I’m Jamie,” he replied, scratching his beard and silently cursing himself for not searching the ship better. When a thick beam of lightning lit the sky south of the sea he was able to get a good look at the person before him, dropping his heart to his stomach. Her skin was much lighter than his wifes, her nose was crooked, and she was a little bit older, but otherwise the woman before him could have been her.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, crossing her arms over her stomach.

“My wife died,” he began before realizing that was a poor place to start and continuing, “I came here to clear my head, and then it started raining, and then I saw your ship and--I don’t know.”

“Oh,” she sighed, biting her lip, unsure of how to respond. “The storm came out of nowhere and we couldn’t get back to the dock in time. We’re kind of just waiting for the rain to settle a bit. Sorry about your wife,” she added.

“It’s been three years,” Jamie mumbled, not knowing what else to say.

Instead of saying anything the woman stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. It was silly, but all of a sudden he felt lighter, as if some of the weight he carried had disappeared. The last time anyone hugged him was the funeral. Human touch, it was nice in a way he couldn’t quite work out. What hadn’t he tried to send the hurt away, and here a mere hug from a stranger could instantly do that much.

Now he could feel everything from the rain running down his face to the deck below his feet. It was almost as if he had rediscovered gravity, he’d never felt this grounded before.

“I’m sorry,” Jamie spoke once more, not wanting to burden this woman.

“You’re allowed to still miss her. Grief never stops. You just decide whether or not you want it to haunt you,” she smiled, in a way that told him she understood it all.

To this he nodded. There was nothing else he could say. The woman let him wait out the storm on the boat and when they docked they went their separate ways.

Jamie returned to the beach. The sky was now illuminated with stars as he fell back onto the sand. There wasn’t a thing that didn’t remind him of his wife in some way. When it came to the stars it was always the memory of the night he fell in love.

It was June and they were a few months into their relationship. Both of them were working late nights a lot more often and if they wanted any time together they’d have to miss out on some sleep. Half past eleven in the bed of Jamie’s truck they were staring at the stars.

“You know,” she began, trailing off into a fit of giggles “nevermind, it’s stupid.”

“You can tell me,” he encouraged, staring down at where her head was resting on his chest.

“Alright well, when I was growing up my mom used to say that when people die they become the stars. I always thought that was something she made up, but when she died this concept kept showing up everywhere. I read it in a book, saw it in a movie, overheard my dad say it. So, you had said you wish you could have met my mom. Well, she's in the sky,” his wife said, burying her face in his hoodie, almost embarrassed by this level of vulnerability.

“That’s not stupid to me at all. I think that’s amazing. Which star is she?” he quizzed, rubbing her back in reassuring circles.

“That one right there,” she grinned, pointing to the brightest star in the sky.

As they stared up into space Jamie felt a warm and unfamiliar feeling take control in his chest. From her gap-tooth smile and her goofy laugh, to her quick wit and warm heart, how could he not be in love with her?

When the memory had played itself out Jamie took a deep breath and closed his eyes. It felt good to feel this air in his lungs and when he opened his eyes again he felt that same feeling in his chest. He hadn’t paid enough attention before but tonight the brightest star he’d ever seen was just above him. In no way he could explain, Jamie knew it was her. A veil of comfort cast itself over him as he smiled at the sky.

Did he still want to die? Surely he had nothing to live for, but then, maybe he did. Perhaps he was not a man haunted by grief but rather his own selfish nature.

In many ways he had more than most people ever would, a home, his health, and a love that felt like it spanned lifetimes. When he saw his wife in every little thing, no, he was not being haunted. These things were reminders of what made it worth it, why anyone puts up with all they do.

Jamie resolved that he’d probably feel this ache forever, but tonight something was telling him that he was gonna be alright. In the morning he would go back to the marina and buy the boat. Maybe he’d travel up the coast, maybe he’d stay in Delaware, either way he could finally see a future beyond the moment he was in and if living was the only thing to live for, then he was going to live.