Entrapment

Alone I sit, my body still.

Does anyone hear me, do you know how I feel?

I’m reaching out, are you there, can you hear me?

Entrapped in fear, finding it hard to reach out to thee.

The Nightmare Began

I had no idea what was happening to me. I know I have been a workaholic for so many years. My family and friends kept telling me to make time, do things I enjoyed. Take breaks.

I became so tired. My energy was slowly,slowly running out. It was like I became a hamster on a wheel ,and the wheel wasn’t going around anymore.

My work, my one and only positive thing I thought I had in life. Yes, I was laid off. You see even in Corporate Management, it doesn’t mean anything different then an employee in the shipping room. We are all equal and our jobs can be gone just like that.

It started very quickly,I found myself not wanting to get out of bed, not eat or even wash. If the phone rang I ignored it. I was entrapped in a very dark space, the little energy I had was running out.

Help me? I can’t take it anymore.

From A Distance

When I would fall off into my very deep sleeps, I could see my brother on the frozen pond. He was waiting for me to join him and play ice hockey. I could feel the excitement, my heart was racing. The thrill of taking the puck and scoring on him.

I then awoke.

“Jimmy”, help me! “ Let’s go to the frozen pond!”

I awoke with a nurse trying to comfort me. I was totally frightened. How did I get here, why do I have an IV in me?

The Comforting Nurse

Calmly the sweet nurse explained that I had been there for three days. The neighbour checked on me and she didn’t get an answer. Apparently she was quick to call 911 and they admitted me.

The nurse explained that my body was completely run down, I was starting to improve but needed to stay for awhile.

I knew she was right, but waking up like this. I have to be honest with you, I felt entrapped within for so long that it was destroying me. I needed help. I didn’t want to hear what others said,I lost my job. My dream job that I put my heart and soul into, only to be let go of.

Now it was time to refuel, relax but most of all refocus. Time to reach out and have counselling

First Journal Entry

Our minds and bodies work in in many different ways.

Feeling good then knocked down for days.

Listen to others ,who care about you.

It’s time to start over and be happy in what I do.

I was still thinking about my brother Jimmy. How even during my weakest times I could see him waiting for me on our frozen pond. The happiest of times in my life were with him. I felt for sure he was going to be a pro hockey player. In my heart, he was my bro brother, my best friend. I needed him, I needed to talk to him.

Putting my pen down, I fell back into another sleep.

Awakening

A tall yet very handsome man in a white coat had a flashlight, looking into my eyes. He introduced himself as Dr Francis, a psychiatrist from the hospital.

After his examination , we talked for a good hour about my life, the good things and the not so good things. He told me when I was stronger ,he wanted me to be an out patient and come for daily workshops that would help me. In the meantime he started me on a medication to help with the depression, encouraged me to eat and drink and he would be back to see me the next day.

I was a bit scared to be honest. I had heard of others having depression. Until now I had no idea that this entrapment I was feeling was actually depression, but there was hope I could feel better.

Day Two

Journal Entry

I know this is going to take time. I put to much into my job. I have to find the things that I like doing. Most of all I need to heal and see my brother and my family again. I hadn’t seen my family in five years, it was time to get better and tie up my skates and play hockey again. ♥️♥️♥️

For the most part of the day ,I rested. I had a councillor stop by and talk with me and left sheets for me to work on.

The staff were all amazing, I still had the IV on. The doctor felt the medication would start to kick in within the next day. I felt hungry for the first time.

In the afternoon the rehab department walked with me up and down the hall. I wasn’t alone, I had all kinds of wonderful caring people around me.

Returning to my room, the biggest bouquet of red roses in a vase were on my table. The note said,”I love you sis, I wish I could be there.” “ Meet you on the pond real soon, love always Jimmy”.

Healing Had Begun

I ended up staying for two weeks in the hospital. I finished my counseling classes, which were very helpful.

I have since received a severance pay from my old job. Sold my condo for over asking price. I made a list of ground rules for myself. The most important one of all is “I come before anything else, life is precious.”

I am packed and ready to move back home with my family. Slowly I will find a job (looking at something in the field of caring for others). I appreciated the care I received from everyone when I was very ill. I know in my heart caring for others can bring more appreciation to one self.

As for now, I am on my way to meet Jimmy on the frozen pond. My skates and hockey stick is packed.

Remember, You Are Number One.♥️

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