Empathy Sponge?

From a very young age I was aware that I had deep levels of empathy. One of my earliest memories was having a bag of hula hoops when I was four years old and asking my mum if I could give them to a homeless person. I mention that not for any adulation but to explain that I had a very deep sense for feeling pain and compassion for people at a young age and caring if people were okay.

Watching certain shows seems to leave a lasting impact on me way after they have finished. Long lost family always brings a tear to my eye, almost as if I am in the shoes of the relatives who are being reunited. I will switch off shows like 24 hours in A&E as I hate to see people suffering and it cuts too close to the bone with my experience of relatives being in hospitals.

This awareness would continue to affect me throughout my life to the present day and sometimes to my detriment.

I was a polite and kind albeit quirky and cautious child who spent most of my time deep in thought (in retrospect a little too deep in thought). My mind was often preoccupied by thinking of magical worlds I had conjured up in my head, poring over the outlandish haute couture in vogue magazine, creating imaginary worlds where Barbie ran off with Sindy’s boyfriend Paul and spending hours drawing and listening to music.

Although generally well liked at school, playground insults sent my way would wound me way beyond the average kid and tapped into a pervasive sense of me feeling profoundly different to everyone else. Although I seem to switch between two extremities I outwardly appear extrovert enough to mask my true introverted self, possibly as a defence mechanism and to stop anyone trying to access my inner core.

HSP’s crave connection and understanding to feel less alone in the world.

I have been burned many a time in a relationship and friendship sense, investing a lot of my love and energy into people who it turns out were either indifferent, would take advantage of my caring nature or would go behind my back and treat me as if I was a disposable paper cup. It is hurtful but I have recently wondered if I expect too much from people, after all nobody is infallible and we all have problems of our own, though sometimes it stings to be the person who cares more about others than they do about you.

According to psychology today “15 to 20 percent of the population are thought to be highly sensitive” (https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/basics/highly-sensitive-person).

Do you relate to being able to walk into a room and feel the underlying tensions in the atmosphere between people (despite them being blissfully unaware) picking up subtleties in their behaviour that would otherwise go unnoticed by everyone else? Do you feel that you can see into someone’s soul just by looking at them? If so you too may be a HSP.

This heightened sense of awareness is a double edged sword-it makes you potentially a better communicator that you can “read” people and step in to diffuse potentially difficult situations but also hyper aware to the point where you feel awkward or annoyed that your brain can’t take a break from overthinking and worrying about everyone else and in turn how you might be perceived. I can pick up on if people are not being fully truthful and transparent with pinpoint accuracy where others may not see hidden motives. This invariably leads to me over analysing interactions and creating scenarios that might never happen.

This personality trait comes complete with its own set of problems; for example I will simply be walking down the street and strangers seem to sense that I might be a “trustworthy” or “helpful” person. They then proceed to tell me their life story and divulge very personal information to me, a complete stranger. This has happened on more occasions than I can count even though I assume I might be unapproachable to people due to my inner anxieties.

Perhaps I should be flattered that strangers trust me enough to tell me their problems but this results in people pleasing obligations which impact on my energy levels, suppressing my need to talk about my own problems. However I always try to take the time to speak to people who need to chat as I often feel an intense sense of loneliness that I wouldn’t want other people to endure.

Although art, creativity and music are my main interests I have spent a decade working in the advice industry as an advisor, helping people to resolve any issues that are presented to me by clients. That would be the more reasonable explanation as to why people seem to gravitate to me at times of need. I have also experienced (and continue to experience) many challenges, and until recently where I have been suffering from a particularly bad bout of depression due to external factors out of my control, I have managed to largely put a brave face on things and will hide the extent to which I am struggling as people see me as a strong person.

I recall being in a boat in Ibiza travelling to Formentera (makes a change from my usual holidays as a child at the pleasure beach in Great Yarmouth) when I saw a rock called Es Vedra in the middle of the sea. Although this may just be a giant piece of stone to some people it left me visibly moved to the point where I was crying as I was awestruck that I was able to see this peaceful and beautiful structure and it somehow made me feel like it was wonderful to be alive to experience this part of nature.

I have a few other examples of this such as seeing the sea lapping over the rocks in Dawlish on the railway and when I visited the museum of childhood in Bethnal green and was confronted by huge ornate dolls houses that I could only imagine existed in my dreams. I cried on both of those occasions and the people I was with at the time were quite bemused by it (understandable but to me this highlighted that I am inexplicably highly emotional towards certain things at times).

If you are a HSP you may also be sensitive to lights and noise-the older I get, the less tolerance I have for the tv being loud or overly bright places. As ridiculous as it sounds I once walked out of a pub that was round on the outside but had square pillars inside-there was simply something “off” about this place that I couldn’t fathom so I had to leave. After too much social interaction and sensory overload I usually retreat to recharge my batteries but will force myself to go out into the outside world to converse, just enough time for people to think I am a party animal instead of the quivering ball of anxiety I often am.

I generally avoid confrontation unless I feel that something is manifestly unjust-bereavements I have experienced in my past have taught me that life is simply too short, however this also results in me placating people for a peaceful life, something that can be just as damaging to everybody involved.

You may have read this and recognised similar traits in yourself, or you may know someone who is highly sensitive in which case I hope this may explain some of the potential inner workings of the person you know who may often be misinterpreted in many ways, seen as different or confusing but if you do meet a HSP it is worth taking the time to get to know them, as they are often kind and caring people who have experienced a lot of hurt, but still try to bring joy into other people’s lives.

SS.