Drowning in wine

I keep watching this scene over and over.

I poured the red wine; the dusty old wine bottle in my grasping hand.

I poured it over my face.

I stole the wine from my Baba.

She didn’t notice, or she maybe just let me have it—-I was always her favorite after all.(or maybe that’s what she said to everyone; I don’t believe that.)

But, Baba, you’re under the cold, indifferent earth, and I wish I could talk to you. One time.

So... I poured the whole bottle on my face, my hair, my chest, my legs.

I felt the bars come up from the ground,

I heard the whole entire planet caving in,

The layers upon layers within the earth were trembling and diverging,

And I felt the prison sentence of my childhood grip my entire body—-

My nerves, my veins, my stomach, my cornea—-and the (death/life)sentence concluded

That my larynx was also on a state of lockdown.

The red trembled down, and I could believe for a moment that she was there,

Holding my hand; and I really felt her hand—-

I really did.

I never really cared about drinking wine or anything else for that matter,

I just wanted to feel the red cascade over me, like the most beautiful preserved piece of a moment—-

And have it replace my tears, and my blood,

And my water.

And the planet was covered in water, but

I imagined that it was covered in red,

In my wine,

All over, and I felt like I could feel

Everything changing within me, and everyone, because

I always truly felt like humans and the earth had a primal connection to one another.

I had a primal reaction to you, too,

Like how different species can coexist

In symbiosis—-completely like an instinct,

And I fought it until I

Could not bear it,

Until my heart was so strained and

Near frozen,

I had to unthaw it

With the warmth—-the security you brought out in my life,

And I know I took too much for

Granted, I know.

And I kept hearing this over and over, again and again,

And I dreamt I was in between the spaces of the composer’s pauses,

In between the notes and the languishing

Brilliance,

But I was not actually ever able to understand music, like you did,

And each sweet kiss I imprinted upon your breath

As I closed my eyes—-

I dared

To live vicariously through your smooth, sweet voice,

Tumbling into it like a wave of red,

Thinking of all the ways to change your

Pitch, and make yours vibrate—-

A hum only we could hear, because we dreamt it together.

And when I told my Baba I liked girls,

She said in so many words,

“You can have strong feelings for other

Women,

But don’t let it go too far,”

And I love her so much, I miss her

Like an extension of my heart beat—-(like a piece of my heart was cut from my chest and no one sees it but now,

It ticks wrong)

But I can’t stop

Dreaming of kissing you.

I would kiss you, from dawn to dusk.

I would dream of us

Covered in Merlot;

Not physically,

But openly,

We’d love out in the open,(like the dream date I always longed for)

Yes,

And the wine would be all over the valley—-

Like the gorgeous red sunset I picture whenever I hear

Your

Twinkling laughter.

But here I am,

In my sparkling red prison

Of my own design,

Wishing to go into the earth

And wander

To see my Baba

One more time.

I didn’t know what your favorite song was, Baba,

But I want you to know

My Jewish spirit that resides

In my heart and my blood,

That also resides in you,

Carries me with the wind.

And the prison I now can escape—-the red now

Turns to pale blue.

Pale blue is our sky,

And I am the rain—-

You fell upon the rainbow,

And I fell into the earth.