Doin' Just Fine

“Hi, my name is Jaden and I am anti-Valentine’s day.”

I say that as if I were in some support group for love sickened disasters like myself. I can imagine being in a room, part of a circle of sisters and brothers that shared my same upsets.

“Hi, Jaden!” They’d cheer back.

There would be one guy on my left, with a sunken face, clearly upset that he was court-ordered to be there. One year of community service and group therapy sounded way better than five years in love’s prison. Directly across him would be the giddy woman who believed everyone there was her best friend. She’d bring baked goods every meeting and wear tacky cardigans with mom jeans but never a frown. It was as if she used gorilla glue to permeate her smile. Not to mention, just my opposite, was the therapist or group moderator. A woman dressed in distasteful polyester, who spent her whole college life soaking in books of depression and romances she’d never be proficient in.

Lucky for you… or maybe me. There’s no such support group for Valentine’s day haters. Just access to the internet with a parade of memes telling me how happy I should be that I’m single. Or even worse, endless engagements, reminding me that the man I once loved for over 4 years… never thought I was worthy of his last name.

As I began to write this “playlist” of songs that influences my tears, I thought of telling you about our first Valentine’s day as a couple. But lucky for you… or maybe me… I don’t remember. The only thing I could remember about that time was the list of messages from promiscuous boys who aided the death of my fairytale. Boys with powers to spell eyes that once were fixated on me.

The song “Resentment” recorded by Beyoncé would most likely be first on my list. She sang over a melting guitar, words of deceit and betrayal. Beyoncé opens the song, wishing she could believe the lies of her devious lover. Which sounds dumb, right? Why would you want to believe the lies? Maybe because it’s better than the truth? Some part of me wanted to live in a fantasy world versus existing in this reality. The reality that, my man would rather make appointments with loosened boys, than reservations at my favorite restaurant, which I’m sure he doesn’t even know what that is.

She goes on to ask more questions which she knows the answers to, like “Why did I deserve to be treated this way by you?” and “How could you lie?” We all know, we don’t deserve that type of treatment and he only lies because he’s an asshole... Duh!

You have to know though; no breakup is truly complete without a little rage from a reject. I can only hope that this Valentine’s day if he’d seen my face, it would give him hell. So there, you probably could guess by now. My next song… “Gives You Hell” by The All-American Rejects.

“Gives You Hell” more than likely speaks for itself in this scenario. Can anyone say that they didn’t fantasize about their ex pouting with regret, whenever they saw you at a party, a store, or maybe a picture of you half-naked that strategically pops on their social media timeline?

I think not.

You can insert a cynical laugh here.

Now that I reveled in my alternate reality, I now remember our first Valentine’s day together. He had redecorated the basement to resemble a massage therapy room. There were rose petals laid all over, candles lit, towels plenty, and much to my shock, a ring sat on the table. I remember, at that moment, this was it! This is the night I’d be one step closer to being Mr. [Insert His Last Name Here].

I pretended as if I didn’t notice the ring. Since he didn’t present it right away, I thought maybe he was waiting after the massage and I didn’t want to ruin the moment. But I tell you, my heart was beating a million times a minute. He had been caught cheating just a couple of months before, so I assumed this was his way of saying:

“I am serious babe. I don’t want to let you go. I want you to be mine forever.”

But how disappointing was it to find that it was a $30 promise ring (He left the tag on the damn thing)? Which I will say was a nice gesture because it was coupled with a poem, he framed just for me (I later found out he googled and did the ole copy, paste, and print). Nonetheless, I was filled with gratitude and promise.

So, yawl know he broke every promise in that frame, right?

Every Valentine’s day thereafter subsequently repeated the first. Not with the same setup or plans but with the same list of messages but from different promiscuous boys. Eventually, I gave up and I wanted no more to be stuck in the loop of Valentine’s day failures. Oh, and did I mention, my birthday is just 13 days before Valentine’s day? Yeah, imagine my headspace every year.

Don’t feel sorry for me because I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t know if when I left him, he betted on my disastrous future without him or I’m just projecting my fears. Either way, I made it out. My heart may still be in shambles, but I am good.

This leads me to my last song on my playlist. Yes, my playlist is very short because I ain’t got time to be crying all night, I got a date with Fortnite.

“Doin’ Just Fine” by Boyz II Men.

My all-time favorite group, with a song about redemption or should I say declaration. Despite the one I loved so true, being absent from my life, I am doing alright. I am doing just fine.

Bitch.