Do You Love Them or Desire Them?

Does anyone else feel like we are living in a loveless society?

As I've gotten older, I've realized how little we as a society understand love and the implications behind it. While certain structures in place have prohibited love from forming, things like capitalism and patriarchy, for example, people, (me included), are suffering from this love loss.

It shouldn't take a rocket scientist to understand that domination and love can't coexist. If you have to control something, is it really love? One shouldn't simply understand what love entails to then choose self-supremacy as a means to control the situation.

What do I mean?

Love, in its purest form, is others focused because we don't give something that we have yet to experience ourselves in one way or another. Love, as bell hooks describe it, "is the will to nurture one's own and another's spiritual growth, actively and intentionally choosing to add the various ingredients of care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, all under honest and open communication."

It sounds simple enough, but how many actively and intentionally do this? Moreover, if people do this, why does it feel like everyday people are giving up on love?

As someone who likes to explore the nuances of life, this one perturbs me for multiple reasons.

For one, I don't like that there is no easy answer to this question, which, if I'm honest, makes the most sense if you can believe it. Humans are complicated, and for that, we have to come up with creative solutions to mend problems, which, oftentimes, we create.

Secondly, social media doesn't do anybody justice when it comes to seeking out the love bell hooks describes. Social media has commodified love, and because love has been commodified, anyone who has the means to buy love does and leaves everyone who can't wanting. We see successful celebrities or influencers "in love" and yearn to adopt the same aesthetic. We compare what others do for their loved ones as invalidation if ours doesn't measure up. We watch dating and reality shows that depict love as this sexual tension between lovers who are itching to get their socks off (and while this may be true for some, this is just one aspect of what love entails).

I'm not one to define love for any particular individual, but what we currently have presented in society as love isn't love. It's desire.

That may be why I'm so frustrated.

Society has lied to me, you, and everybody's grandma and framed love as desire and vice versa. These two things aren't mutually exclusive, but society tells us they are.

Love is naturally giving, but you cannot give what you are desperately clinging to for dear life.

I stated that love and domination couldn't coexist earlier because unkempt desire closely relates to wanting to control what is not yours. This desire urges you to control and change your partner, control the relationship dynamics, and keep distrust at the heart of the relationship to keep things "interesting." The funny thing is, this doesn't just happen in romantic relationships but can and has been applied to every type of relationship, making the reality much more bleak.

So. . .How do we fix this problem?

What are the solutions?

The answer is obvious, but many people aren't willing to wrestle with it.

For love to form, we must let go of control. For love to form, we must seek solidarity and cooperation over self-supremacy and domination. For love to form, we must do the work of healing and reject the social norms around us.

I'm not perfect; this is a process I'm still learning and dealing with. As a hopeless romantic, all I want to do is love and pour my heart out to someone who can reciprocate, and unfortunately, I haven't found that person yet.

I mean, how could I find love in a society that has lied to us for so long?

It's not their fault, but it is their responsibility. Just as it was mine to unlearn and differentiate between love and desire, so is theirs.

Hopefully, they'll show up sooner rather than later.

Only time will tell!

Thanks for reading this short article. I've been meaning to post more often, but the article I'm currently writing has been taking up all my time and research, so I have yet to be able to write or provide anything substantial that's worth reading.

Let me know what you think in the comments below! I would love to start a conversation about desire and love.

Can they coexist? Why or why not?