Dearest Life

I stood there having a panic attack as I put on my new face (makeup). It's unlike me to freak out over the littlest things.

It's just a date, it's just a dinner with a stranger I've never met...

I couldn't be less excited but why was I even going...? To be honest I was just heartbroken over the circumstances of the last year. Pandemic really took a toll even on my introverted self. I've lost my closest friends and distanced myself from the people I once claimed I loved dearly. My remaining friends forced me to go on a blind date. I just didn't want to step out of the house. I wasn't doing anything else, just binge-watching K-dramas and crying over in self-pity...

Who have I become? A question I kept asking myself. I kept self-berating to calm my nerves as if that would make everything alright.

"I would rather stay in, order a take-out and watch parasite."

This thought kept crossing my mind, as my panic attack worsened as if seeing a stranger was life-threatening. Then I realize I could just cancel it, but then it would be rude if he has already left for the date. I took a deep breath, re-applied the mascara that has watered down.

After the date

It wasn't the best or the worst date. He was 6 years older but we surprisingly had a lot in common. He kept asking me to invite me over to his place so that he could show off his Limited edition Fender. I politely refused. Of course, even if he stated his intention was just to 'hang out' I was barely able to make it through the date with my anxiety. I just wanted to go home and crash in my bed.

But why was I feeling so down? I went home changed and took my laptop. I wanted to either read a blog or watch a movie. But then I found something interesting. A blog I created when I was just 18.

Ah.. for a brief moment I remembered what it was like to be 18. Having dreams and unrealistic ambitions before they'd all be slowly crushed from the weight of this cruel life.

I wanted to be a physicist so badly. Also, at the same time, I was interested in fashion, arts, and writing.

I got admitted to a Ph.D. program in physics without having bachelors in Physics. That was an achievement on its own. But why didn't feel joyous about it? Because somehow I lost my passion for physics in the process. I changed who I was or shall I say I forgot the real Annie. This blog was the snippet of that little 18-year-old Annie. That little girl with big precious dreams. Would I ever be able to live up to them?

The title of that old blog post was "Dear Life, please stop the pain". I was amused by that. I wrote that blog post at the impressionable age of 18 when I read about Virginia Wolf and watched 'The Hours', which has one of my most favorite OST(s) for the movies. I have overplayed Philip Glass's 'The Poets Act" countless times while preparing for important examinations and interviews. It was often my go-to music to control my anxiety and induce focus.

The Poets Act- Philip Glass

Dear Life

The blog post I wrote when I was merely 18, exploring different art forms and trying to satisfy my mind and soul. And if I am being honest I was really brave to share my mind on the internet even though nobody really read it.

I would like to repost the poem I've written for then 18 year old me here.

The Girl says she wants to fly,

The blue sky and unimaginable heights

were just too tempting,

She didn’t want to look down, just reach up there,

Little girl, even the plane needs the push from the ground

To get up in the air,

And then again it comes back to it,

Why would you overlook the ground?