𝓓𝓮𝓪𝓻 𝓨𝓸𝓾,

The word "love" has become worthless since people can say it to everyone and anyone. Sometimes just to get what they want from you. Sometimes just to get away from the pain they've held for so long.

I've thought many times if I should write it or should I let it be buried within myself. If I was a man it would maybe easy to tell you that, "I like you?" Or there's no difference between us (men & women) that we would end up scared of rejection.  But it's not just the rejection that I've been scared of.

I was so sure that I like you since the day I've seen you. I thought it would easily fades but as days went on I realized I like someone without being held back by the past. The day that he told me you have a girlfriend, I know myself I'm happy about it. I never wished nor hoped anything that could ruin your relationship with her. I met her in our home. And, I remember, she was my schoolmate. I did treat you brotherly. After sometimes, I think I don't feel any attractions towards you and realized I was only trying to contradict what I really feels about you.

Should I be called hypocrite by praying you end up being together? Honestly, it was the very first time I like someone I didn't know who're in a relationship. I never get jealous nor think of all 'what ifs' in her position?' I did not get to the point of being frustrated to see you either talk to you. Do I have real feelings at you? Yeah. I know myself more than anybody else but I was not desperate to get your attention. A woman with respect of the (same gender.) Although, you and your girlfriend went to our house, I barely talked to you. I was so close of forgetting you but then you came on my birthday. I did not expect it that you and her broke up. Of course, I did not ask anything happened between you two. You and your friends had a movie marathon in our house. We talked and I shared that she was my schoolmate back then. You know I was hoping that you'll get back together, again. Though I know I still like you. I still do have feelings for you. I know where to stand in your life... I know I should not feel more than that. I should not be attracted to you.

I am way older than you so I know I should not let this feelings live within. This is another thing that I am so afraid of. I was for freaking' years older. And, another thing, I think it was so wrong for liking you. I was a façade in front of you like I treat you like a little brother. Other people might judge me (real talk). I have concealed my feelings to forget you. I know I might fall harder if I didn't step back and that would affect everything that I want. And I couldn't accept that I want you. Because what I want is a man. A mature one who's older than me. Who has plans and thriving his life for success. I see how messy you can be. You are different but we have the same vibes. You are way too far from the 'ideal man' but then I still fall for you.

If I let this feeling show they might say "I might be a rebound." "The stigma behind this action is that if someone moves on quickly after a previous relationship, it's not legit. In terms of gender norms, women may be slut-shamed for moving on too quickly and not taking the time, while men are congratulated for finding a rebound so quickly." 'Cause what he has been from a break up? Yes, I think about it not just once or thrice. Then, age gaps are involved that they would say "he's too young and I'm too old for him."Even I have the best intention at heart, I couldn't be bold about it.

Thus, there are stigmas people believed in. I couldn't open nor tell it to him that this might affect both of us. And, I guess this is the right thing to do. The best way to keep it myself.

I am not expecting anything from you. What I wanted is that you heal and forgive yourself from the love that was gone from (you and her.) Though I had no idea who initiated the break up, but I still feel awful for her. I came from that situation so I know it would be very hard for her. I was lost. I get to the point where I felt I would be stuck forever. I know one of these days, you'll feel better though it was not easy moving on. I know you're hurting... You're in depth of dejection, but I prayed healing for the both of you.

"Learn from each experience, watch the ego and choose love. Go through the dark night and you reach a beautiful sunrise. It is only in the womb of the dark night that the sun evolves. It is only through the dark night that the morning comes."

I am grateful for the good times we shared. I was wounded, but then I was not taken aback by those memories the moment I knew that I have feelings for you. My past does not become an issue from what I feel for you. I can love you from afar.

"The truest feeling of love comes from within, and when we are in pain, we are not opening ourselves to this truth, and our heart is reminding us to let our inner love flow freely."