Dear Racheal

Dear Racheal,

Before I met you, I was a 57-year-old woman carrying around a really angry and bitter 7-year-old inside me. Anger was my constant companion, and it was messing with every part of my life— my job, my relationships, even my sleep. I felt completely shattered and couldn’t figure out how to piece myself back together. Over time, I lost all my friends, my lovers, and eventually my job. I was barely hanging on. I knew I needed help. After getting fired, I started my search for support. I realized I needed someone to talk to. I looked everywhere and finally found a short list of potential female therapists on the Psychology Today website. I meticulously typed each name into Google, hoping to find someone I could trust. Trust was hard for me; I was skeptical of everyone and everything. I saw so many women with their families, children, pets, and lives that seemed so nice and normal. Then I came across you. You were at some kind of fundraiser—I'm not sure what it was for—but your picture spoke volumes to me. You were in front of a bust of the Statue of Liberty, arms wide open, outstretched, and the photo had one of those Facebook Pride filters on it. You looked genuinely happy, relaxed, and a bit comical, like you’d just heard an amazing joke or had something awesome to celebrate. That Pride filter made me feel like I could be myself with you, my being gay and I just knew you were the one I needed.

You said you’d meet with me, and honestly, I was a mix of excited and anxious. You were the person I wanted to open up to about everything—the sadness, the hurt, and the guilt that came from being a victim of childhood sexual assault. At that point, I had buried those memories so deep that it took us almost six months to really talk about them. You were incredibly patient. You let me ramble on about the TV shows I was binge watching, share songs from my playlists, and read you my poetry. I think those songs and poems revealed more than I even realized at the time.

As the months went by, you started asking questions that helped me dig into the core feelings I was experiencing and uncover the reasons behind my anger. When I finally opened up about the abuse I endured from ages 5 to 15, you listened without judgment. You showed me that it was crucial for people to listen to and believe survivors of sexual assault. I was blown away. I was a Survivor, not a Victim or a Slut. The most important lesson you gave me was that all the manipulation, grooming, and lies came from Predators, and none of it was my fault. I wasn’t to blame. Even when I grew up and lived a promiscuous lifestyle, it was just a reflection of what I had been taught about how 'little girls' should act. It was never what I truly wanted. Deep down, I was always gay. You helped me break free from all that. I can never thank you enough.

It's been seven years of weekly sessions, and I’ve been through a tough breakdown and a hospital stay during that time. You were right there with me, even when things were a bit tense between us. Now, we say "I love you," and honestly, hearing it once a week really lifts me up. When our time together wraps up, you’re always there with a hug, and if I haven’t said it before, thank you for that. Your consistent care has been some of the best medicine I could ask for. I remember the first time I cried, about eight months in, and I think I caught a glimpse of a tear in your eye too. That moment made me realize I had made the best choice, the best selection in my life. Our sessions always end with that hug, but I don’t think I’ve ever expressed how much the words you say each time, “Everything is going to be OK,” mean to me. They touch my soul and heart deeply. You truly are a blessing, Racheal. The little girl inside me is healing, and she’s grateful to you from the depths of her heart. I love you. - Sam