Dear Narcissistic Ex

An excerpt from a letter written to my ex on 10/27/2016:

“I don’t think it’s fair of you to track my driving routes, interrogate my whereabouts, and make me feel like I am being shady. I simply pulled over to go on my phone. It took no more than 10 minutes, C***. I’m sorry I couldn’t recall what it was I was looking at. But, I swear I was not meeting anyone. It was just the shortest most direct route to Olivia's house. If I am being completely honest, it’s getting to the point where I don’t want to tell you anything anymore. I am honestly convinced that I cannot do anything right with you and every decision I make is going to turn into a fight that I can never win. Please, just hear me out.”

Alexa, please play “Gaslighter” by the Dixie Chicks.

Somewhere along the way, you become numb to it. The constant accusing and fighting, 24/7 tracking, and the self–righteous entitlement they have over your life & body. Next thing you know you’ve found yourself isolated from your friends and family replaying old conversations telling you what you now realize. Your boundaries were repeatedly violated and manipulated that you begun to normalize it and convince yourself that you somehow deserved it.

“How stupid could I be? It was right in front of my face the entire time. I’ll take the ticket to the clown show now, please.”, I remember thinking to myself. Turns out the more empathic you are the easier the target you are for a narcissist. Top it off with low self-worth and you got yourself a ticket to the real-time Shit du Soleil. Dr. Faith G. Harper, author of, “Unf*ck Your Boundaries”, stresses the importance of identifying, creating, and respecting boundaries in all your relationships. And, although we all should read up and do our homework on boundaries regardless, high conflict personalities (narcissist) generally feed off those with little to no sense of boundaries and self-esteem. She states, “Oftentimes, people with more permeable boundaries have a bat signal for high conflict personalities (HCP) because they will absorb enough crap from them that the HCP person doesn’t have to examine their own shit or be held accountable for it.”

She goes on further to say, "And because mind-games, degradation, isolation, intimidation, regulation, and an ever-changing “rule book” are not illegal actions, they are even more effective at holding another human being hostage than inflicting physical pain. It’s emotional terrorism. And it’s the reason it is so hard to leave an abusive partner. And the reason that so many abuse survivors suffer PTSD.”

For those of you who are like me walking out of our Shit du Soleil show with major trust issues in hand, hear me CLEAR. No, it wasn’t your fault and no, you absolutely did not deserve that misuse and manipulation. In no way are you responsible for another’s actions. PERIOD. You are, however, responsible for your healing. There is no shame in seeking support.

You know what they say, “People in therapy are often in therapy to deal with the people in their lives who won’t go to therapy.” Haha, I love that.

But seriously, let’s stop the cycle of projection and hurting the people who did not hurt us. You can start with something a little easier like taking a step back and evaluating all your relationships. Chances are you’ve attracted like-minded individuals like your narcissist in your life. Challenge yourself by identifying your boundaries or simply seeing if you have any? You can grab Dr. Faith’s, “Unf*ck Your Boundaries Workbook”, if you're still unsure or need a little guidance. It really helps.

May this be the year you take your power back.

Sincerely,

Rebecca Grigg

Life on Purpose Brand CEO