Dear January/February Me

To my January/February self,

It’s 1st of March. Seven weeks ago, you didn’t even think you could last another day because of the immense, overwhelming amount of pain that you were feeling. But, you did it. You made it to March. Isn’t that spectacular? Your strength and determination will surprise you, and continue to surprise you, throughout this journey of grieving. Things you never thought that you could get through, you’re getting through. In your head, you will be able to hear all of your friends and family saying, I told you so.

Before I continue, I want you to check in with your heart. On a scale of one to ten, how is your heart? Is it tired? Are you hurting? Is it healing? Most of time, you’ll find that it’s tender and sore. It’s going to feel that way for a while... it still feels that way. But that’s because its processing, healing and trying to adapt to this sudden change of role to the person that you held closest to your heart. You don’t have to tell me or anyone what you’re feeling right now. You can simply write it down in your journal. But if you want to tell someone, then you can. Your Mum is downstairs and your closest friends are a text or a call away. And they’ll always pick up. And they’ll always respond. Because they care so much about you and they will be there for you every step of the way. And they won’t give up on you and they’ll keep reminding of you of how strong and loved and beautiful you are. You’re so lucky that have such extraordinary friends.

Let's be real, two months isn’t enough for your heart to heal so don’t make yourself unrealistic expectations. You can’t schedule ‘time for grieving’ in your weekly planner, even though you will, because you’re a very organised person. But, it doesn’t work that way unfortunately. You’ll feel sadness and hurt when you wake up, when you go to sleep and in the time in between. But that just shows how much love you feel/felt and how much you cared. You’re still going to feel just as heartbroken, sad, lonely and lost in the next month, but you’ll feel a little bit better week by week.

Don’t try and make sense of it all. I know that will be hard for you, as you are a very logical person. But looking for facts to try and match up the decision your former partner made will only irritate and stir up the emotions in your heart even more. Maybe the gaps and unanswered questions are meant to be there.

I know it’s hard, but try not to sleep with August, the blue, bubble-gum scented Build-A-Bear you two made together. When you hold onto him, you’re holding onto your former love. And whilst that feels so comforting and lovely, it’s something that you’ll eventually have to try and stop doing. Believe me, it’s so difficult. On my worst nights, I still fall asleep with him and his fur never stays dry. However, on most nights, he’s sitting at the foot of my bed and I fall asleep hugging myself.

Let people reach out to you. It’s okay to cry, it’s okay to wail, but it’s also okay to be angry. It’s okay for you to want to shout at your former partner for breaking their promises of forever, just like it’s okay for the people around you to be angry at him because of the way he broke your heart. It’s okay for you to stop protecting him for a little bit. That doesn’t make you a bad person.

Don't forget to look after our body, I know the physical pain from the operation doesn’t help, but you can’t forget about it just because your heart is screaming. Don’t forget to use those heat packs, don’t forget to sleep, eat, read, write, sing and try to find a Ted Talk about heartbreak/grief that you haven’t listened to. Take some ‘me time’ – whatever that may mean in the process. Don’t work too hard even though I know that you will, because that’s a part of what makes you you.

There will be moments when the grieving and heartbroken part of you will be triggered by something that happens at work, at the theatre or during your ‘me time’ and that will be difficult to manage. You’ll have a student tell everyone in class that after class last year you showered her the photo of you at the ball in the red dress; a photo and an experience in which you weren’t alone. You’ll want to leave the classroom and have a moment to yourself but you can’t and it is in those moments that you’ll start to believe in your strength.

Lastly, having a broken heart, going through this experience... it means that you had and experienced was real and full of so much love. This sentiment will serve as your magic carpet to help guide you through your process of grieving, acceptance, letting go and moving on.

I’d like to leave you with a quote from Eat Pray Love, which you will read and find so much guidance in it. The quote is as follows:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master...”

Love From,

Your 1st of March self