Dear First Love

First Love,

I don't think we'll ever speak again but maye it's for the better.

What's better doesn't always feel the best though. There's so much I wish I could say. I wish I could make you understand me in the moment I said I was done.

I wish I could explain why better. I wish you could feel what I was feeling. I never wanted to hurt you. I didn't want to walk away, it wasn't something I planned. How we got here I'm still trying to understand.

I've never loved anyone as fiercely as I loved you. I didn't know I could feel that way about another person. I gave you the best of me. With the best of me also came the worst. You loved me and my flaws or at the very least tolerated the.

I think that was the difference. You made me acknowledge my flaws even when you said it wasn't a big deal. I pretended the bad didn't exist. I don't know which one of us convinced me more that I was the problem.

Maybe it was unfair for me to try and take all the blame. Nothing ever got resolved. Even if you said I was okay I took the weight of the problem.I let it build and fester. Analyzing what had happened. Trying to see where I went wrong. I don't think that was all your fault but the weight got heavy. I was constantly stirring, constantly mad.

You said it seemed like you couldn't make me happy anymore. The truth was you weren't but it wasn't just your fault. I was so upset internally I didn't let you make me happy. I wanted you to see the bad all on your own and address it. You never did. I was angry. Angry that you were so content and happy with us while I felt so empty.

I was always the first to yell. You actually almost never raised your voice. You always stayed so calm and matter of fact during argument. You made me feel like a child throwing a tantrum but yelling was the only way you would hear me. It was the only thing that got your attention. Sometimes if we weren't fighting I felt that you didn't see me.

I know you had a lot going on in your own life. Maybe I did expect too much but I can't help my desire to be around who I love. I hated how you made me feel ridiculous for wanting to hang out or spend the night. It felt like being around me was a chore to you. Something you only did when you really felt you needed to. I just wanted time, your attention, I wanted to feel seen.

I remember the stress. We'd go days without talking and when it was really bad weeks. We took lots of breaks. While most were initiated by you you never let me forget that I asked for the first one. If I did it once you're justified to do it as much as you need, that always drove me insane. I hated our revolving door of breaks.

You said I was a lot once and that you needed space for a few days to think. I know I can be a lot. My depression and anxiety are not easy to deal with. Some days I don't know how to deal with myself. You weren't always the easiest either though. That's the difference. I would stick by you even when it hurt me because I just wanted to help you. I stayed on your darkest days. Came over on your hardest nights to hold you. Maybe you were the smarter one for taking time when you got overwhelmed. I don't know if it ever occurred to you that that was usually when I needed you to stay the most.

Sometimes I feel guilty. I feel guilty that I feel so much better now that you're gone. I can breathe it's like someone pulled the smoke out of my lungs. That doesn't mean I don't miss you. I miss you quite a lot. Its annoying how the feelings still hit me like it happened yesterday.

Two years is a long time to be attached to someone. You were my best friend. Sometimes I wish I could still hear your voice on my worst days. You were a safe space, a comfort. It's weird that even at our worst you were where I felt safest. There's a part of me that still loves you. My mom always said when you love soemone you give a piece of your heart away. I'm learning to make peace with the fact that you'll never return it.

I'm sure I have a piece of yours. I'm sure you're hurt. I am too. Feeling unseen in your life is very different than actually not being a part of it. I don't think I anticipated how much it would hit me. I know it's better this way even though it hurts. It's better for both of us.

First love I hope one day it won't hurt as bad. I wish I could ask how you're doing. How your family is. It's weird how quickly everything changes. It's weird that loving someone can be what slowly hurts you. I still want you to be okay even though you slowly chipped away at me until I broke.

You made sure I knew how terrible I made you feel. Which would have been fine if I could have told you the same. Usually if I got upset I was being unreasonable but if you got upset I was being insensitive. When we broke up I sat back and let you say everything you needed to. I had grown numb to your words, to hearing how I was once again wrong. That's how I knew. Sitting there listening to you I knew this wasn't what healthy looked like. This isn't what love is meant to be. There's a difference between rough patches and unhealthy.

Life slowly made you bitter and I hope one day you can find happy again. The kind of happy that was there when we started out. I'm looking for that happy myself. I didn't recognize either of us at the end. This isn't who we are. These frustarted angry people.

I've been working to know myself again.

It's funny what you learn on your own. Like I really love Taylor Swift. I can only imagine your face if I added her to our playlist. I really don't like the sparkling water we used to drink when I'd come over. Why does water need bubbles? I don't see the world as dark as I did with you. I have faith in people, in love, in the idea that everything will work out. That we all have purpose. Sometimes you made me question that.

I wonder if you would like this version of me.

Despite all the bad I really just wish I could say thank you.

Thank you for teaching me what love is and what it isn't. For all the times you were there for me. For making me laugh. For encouraging me to stand up for myself. It wasn't all bad. Parts of us were magical.

I wish I could tell you that.

Thank you for the amazing disaster that was us.

Thank you for being my first love.