Dear Fake Friends

Was it just that easy to completely give up on our friendship? Did I really mean so little to you after all that time? What did I do that was so wrong for you to completely ignore me, remove yourself from my life and never speak to me again after all that we had done, been through and experienced together for over two years?

I tried so hard to stay in touch, wishing you Merry Christmas and getting you gifts when I left our shared day to day life together at work, wishing you a Happy New Year and asking how you were getting on, trying to arrange for me to still be able to come to birthday celebrations, being willing to move and rearrange my own travels back to my hometown and doctors appointments, but all that I got in return was read receipts, them being turned of or not even been opened and you both leaving our group chat at exactly the same time on the same day, as if you planned it and did it sat together, you stopped interacting with me on socials and you stopped replying to my messages.

We were inseparable when we were together, both at work and outside of work, we would laugh and joke together, make fun of each other but also knew when we needed to be serious for one another, being happy when we got to be on lunch together, walking to nearby shops to get food or just chilling outside of work to decompress, laugh and relax before the rest of our shifts, helping each other outside of work, you were both a huge part of my wedding, taking photos for me, playing me in as I walked down the aisle with my Dad, being my support system on the day and beforehand when I was to tell me parents about being engaged and when the wedding was, helping me get ready the day off, doing my hair and makeup, keeping my dress and cape safe beforehand and perfect during the ceremony and afterwards, you even surprised me by throwing an intimate and lovely hen night with our other friends the night before the wedding and making me feel so special, and you were the first two people I told when I was finally, successfully pregnant. You were so excited for me and we made a group chat just the three of us. I defended you against the bullies who worked with us on many occasions, brought you presents for Christmas and birthdays and gifts from my holidays, I cooked for you and hosted you at both of my homes I moved into while we knew each other, and I did all of that out of love and compassion and kindness in my heart. I trusted you, I loved you with my whole heart as sisters, as Aunts to my then unborn baby and you threw it all back in my face when I had to leave for the benefit of my then plummeting mental and physical health and for the sake of my baby.

I spent many hours of my own time making and doing things for work, unpaid and now, seemingly unappreciated and wasted, just so I could help make things more fun, easier or better for us, spending time out of what I was there to do instead spending time making how things were done easier, tidier and more efficient. I spent my own money on things for us to enjoy and have together, spending time I should have been enjoying time in my new place, with my now husband out on adventures together, I was looking for things that would help you, or an event we were doing at work.

Holidays in Ireland and Türkiye, I was still thinking of you, getting things for you that you wanted or needed, spending my time thinking of you instead of my family, enjoying my heritage or what was my first ever abroad trip with my husband.

You helped me when I had to leave an unhealthy relationship very quickly, leaving me essentially homeless for two weeks, you saw me at me lowest I had been for a very long time and you helped me become myself again, helping me get a new job when the one we were in before treated us all so badly- we watched and supported each other with relationships and moving on with our lives, I helped you with keeping things smooth at work, showed you that despite my Autism and my issues, they would not get in the way of me being the best I could be for you both, professionally while we were at work together while you were the bosses of me and personally with supporting your mental health, checking up on you to prove that someone cared for you and missed you and was going to always be in your corner, no matter what.

I gave up my maternity leave and pay because of how bad things were at work- with the relentless bullying and idiotic behaviours' of some of our colleagues, but I didn't leave without doing everything I could to protect you from how bad it got for me, I made sure I put in to as high up as I could so that you wouldn't have to go through what I did, I made sure higher up knew what they did to all of us and that it would go against them, I did it for you so that even without me there, I could try and protect you.

I spent so much time, energy, thought and money on you and got practically nothing in return, looking back, I know these friendships were one sided and I am ashamed of myself for not realising sooner that I put way more into them then you both did combined.

And don't even get me started on the other one of you, who worked with us at our old job too, who bullied me out of the room I began my journey there in, making me think another girl didn't like or want me in the room when it was really her who didn't, who made people choose between a baby shower which I didn't know was happening or was invited to and my wedding when everyone would have been able to go to both. Who made fun of how I was helping you with something you really struggled with and then tried to make me out to be the bad guy for defending you. I thought the four of us would and should have been the best of friends all escaping the same place and coming back together again, especially after I told the girls in my first room and management that I thought you were really great despite only working with you for a very short amount of time.

Now, I know I was wrong, wrong to think we would be friends for a long time, wrong to think I wouldn't get bullied by grown women all older and supposedly more mature than me, wrong to be so open and friendly- hoping to make friends in a new place that I didn't know and still don't know, wrong to think I would ever have friends again like I did back home.

I'm so glad I found out the truth before I had my baby, before I knew they were a he, before he arrived and had "Aunties" that didn't actually care for him and let him down.

And I'm glad that some of the girls there are actually real friends, who have still kept in contact and interacted with me since I left, since I had my baby, have visited me, checked in on me, and have been lucky enough to meet my son. They are the true friends and I appreciate them greatly, they didn't break my heart but filled it with hope that there are good people in the world still, that my son will be surrounded by people who are good, and kind, and genuine, and compassionate, and fun, and sincere and who care for others and not just themselves.

I'm disappointed in you, all three of you but two of you know exactly who you are I'm most disappointed in, to throw away what could have been a lifetime friend, for what, because I wasn't working with you anymore? I don't see any reason for you to have done this to me after all I did for you, all we have been through together, you were my first friends here and clearly you were fake. And I'm disappointed in me for believing in you for so long, I wish I had seen how this would have all played out and I could have saved myself the heartache, the anger and the resentment for both you and I. I hope you realise what you lost, a true friend, a chosen family who did and would do anything for you because I have unconditional love, but I know now that yours was conditional if it was even there at all.