Day 1286

Solitude, in and of itself is a welcome circumstance if the soul chooses but, what of the soul that feels that loneliness is the only assurance to an enduring life? I guess people would live just as I had for the past three and half years, survival, the singular most important thought on my mind. I had remained painfully aware of the passing of each day and while I would not have called myself hopeless, I did feel true helplessness. Helpless to save myself from the constant torment of memories as strong as day they were born.

I would have rather live the rest of my life alone than feel the misery I still feel for another. The thought alone almost takes away any urge I have about sharing space with anyone else.

I just could not.

I saw the therapist that the grief counselor recommended, I committed myself to healing but I still woke up in a sweat searching the room for someone. Anyone.

But I always woke up alone.

She had suggested keeping a journal and I remembered thinking, “no way in hell will I be sticking to a diary.” But I finally tried it, and now, I cannot imagine a day without writing about and to you.

Day 16

We stayed up to watch a movie series against our better judgement that night, knowing that we both had to get up early for work the next day but, we were having too much fun reciting the lines we memorized and laughing through the ones we did not. I could have stayed with you like that forever sweetie; at least, that had been our plan.

It was always so comfortable between us; I knew that I could always be myself with you and that made me feel secure. I like to think that you felt the same, that you felt the chance to be yourself with me.

Day 23

I thought we had more time.

This cannot be real. I am dreaming. You’re here but, I just can’t find you.

Please find me.

He came back to me sometimes, right before I closed my eyes. I would be laying down half-awake trying to recall the fine lines under his eyes and then, just like that I would see them as clearly as if he had never left. I still dream about him nearly every night. If I think long enough, I can choose the dream I have even if it ends in tragedy.

Day 35

I laid across your back, the way I always did, and you carried me like you always did.

You carried me into your dreams.

I gently played the strings that were your ribs and hummed you a song until you fell asleep. I know I was your peace. That gives me comfort.

Still, I wake up mad every day because your actions are the reason you are not here anymore. I don’t understand the man that took you from me.

What drove him to come inside our house?

Why us?

We were simple people, there had been nothing of real value to steal, except life. So, I convinced myself that the goal had been to do harm for the sake of harm. That man did not want a damned thing. Except Ethan. My still heart breaks to think that he was a target.

He was happy and oblivious to the sad fact they he had been hunted. In one moment, I was sleeping in his warmth and in the next I was kneeling holding his body as that same warmth left him.

I literally felt his spirit leave him.

How that moment changed me I could never explain though I have tried.

We were going to be together for the rest of our lives that had been in our vows. We said them and meant every word. Until death do us part.

Day 57

Why did you fight back Ethan?

How would I have felt if you had not? Would I have still felt safe with you? Would I have left for another who could protect me and the children we would have or, would I have just been happy to still have you.

I like to think that I would have been happy to still have him, but I cannot be sure. The moment traumatized me. Left me wary of the future and trapped to the past on a continuous loop of wondering, what if? I know that, if he were still here with me, I would not have felt safe with him anymore and nothing that he could have said or done would be able to convince me different. I would not have wanted to put him through that so, I think would have left him.

Pathetic.

Day 78

There is nothing that I would not give up if it meant that I could see you again. Even if it were just for a moment. I would give years of my life if I could get back yours.

I would give my life.

I have been playing “My All” by Mariah Carey all day going hoarse trying to hold the notes with her.

“Baby can you feel me, imagining I’m looking in your eyes… and yet you’re just so far like a distant star I’m wishing on tonight.”

I feel anguish deep in my spirit. I feel stripped and bare. So completely wrecked.

I spent the better part of two years entombed in my grief. Nothing could bring me out and no one could help me. If I were honest, I did not want to move on.

Days 79 – 795

I wallowed in a depression so strong it nearly killed me. I lost everything, family, friends, my job I even lost our dog. I was unlovable and I liked it. I hated the misery but to let it go was tantamount to releasing you. I could not do that baby. I couldn’t betray you by moving on, not after you died to protect me.

Who, better than me could remember you?

Amid the despair, I saw an owl die trying to protect his roost. The circumstance of which sent me into a maddening spiral of obsession and yearning to understand why.

I had taken a sabbatical from work; easy to do for a software programmer. I could work from anywhere at least that is what I had told our families. Everyone was worried about me.

I was worried about me too.

I had rented a beautiful Airbnb, a small house ten minutes outside of town. I thought the best way to get back to myself would be to connect with nature. The hell was I thinking. Being out there with only a handful of neighbors had been a huge mistake at first. I was too scared to close my eyes. Still, I stayed on determined to get back to a semblance of the woman I was before all the pain.

Hoot, hoot, hoot.

I noticed the same barn owl perched on a branch, watchful vigilance never ceasing while his mate and offspring lay safe and warm in the hallow of a tree.

I spent three nights watching him. Every time he left the nest this other owl would attack him. He would go off to find food for his family only to return just in time. For the other owl was constantly trying to get into the roost.

The last attack was near impossible to watch but I could not look away. I was willing him to win. He had returned from another hunt only to be stopped short at the entrance of the nest.

He never looked back, not even for a moment.

He did not get to see his mate and babies one last time, he did not have a chance to reassure her that things would be all right, they would be all right. He fought that other owl, one of a different breed, bigger and stronger. The fight it seemed, went on forever. He grew tired but fought anyway.

In the end, he could not withstand the intruder. This other owl, whatever his goal, was the victor.

Why could not He win?

His motivation was just as powerful, I knew he wanted to succeed more, but he lost.

Why does evil seem to always win over good?

Consequently, I become fascinated with owls. I would learn sometime later that owl’s mated for life. They were even known to return to the same nest each year where they started a family before. This knowledge raked me to my core. The female owl must be feeling the same hurt and loss that I was feeling.

She had come out of the nest a little while after the battle, fussed over her fallen mate and flew into the night. She came back a brief time later with a mouse to feed her babies. She was only back for a moment then she was back out into the night.

I thought about those owls for months, becoming them in that moment. My dreams shifted; in them we were the owls. The night was ours, we were better in, made for it. We were always hyper-focused, ready to attack. So different than how you and I had been that fateful night. I must have seen your death play out a hundred times. I watched from a distance as you fought and sometimes, I tried to fight with you. Each time, you died no matter how hard I tried to help you. I always survived without a scratch while you lay in a bloody heap.

There was a force that kept me at bay, far enough away to escape the death that always came to you. The truth was that you had pushed me away, so hard that I had hit my head on the floor and was unconscious for a moment; long enough to miss your being shot. I came to in time to say goodbye, to hold you and to hear the words that I believed with every fiber of my being.

I love you baby, so much.

I love you.

Somehow, seeing these owls go through a struggle exactly like what I had been through sparked a flame. I woke up. I felt like a veil had been lifted from over my eyes and I could see.

The female owl kept going, kept fighting. She did not give up or feel bad herself. And neither would I and I had not from that night forward.

Day 983

I feel different, not good but better.

I got back in the gym last month baby! The results are starting to show. You know I was putting on weight.

I still have the bad dreams, but I don’t mind them because I see you so clearly in them.

I still want to see you; I doubt that will ever change. I do not think that I would ever want to get to a day where a desire for you is not in it.

Yet, I do not feel the same dread that I had before.

Now, I look forward to the new day.

I am feeling thankful for being alive and so happy that I am. I thank God for every day that I see. I used to feel so much guilt for waking up, sorry that I was breathing. I felt like it was wrong to be happy. I felt like it was not right to enjoy a day, but I know now that you would not want that for me.

I had made it to a point that I did not originally want to be at; I was feeling hopeful. I accepted what happen to him, to us.

Day 1196

I tried to go on date. I couldn’t even get through the appetizers.

Poor guy.

He tried to ask for a second date; I doubt that I will be able to try again, at least not with him.

His name is…it doesn’t matter. He is no you Ethan. I wonder if I will ever get to the point where I don’t compare every man to you?

You know what’s funny babe, you used to drive me crazy.

There were things that you did that I hated but I accepted them because I love you.

Loved.

I imagine there were things that you didn’t like about me, but you rarely let on. I think I will tell the next guy when I do not like something that he does.

Poor guy.

There is something to say for having the strength to move on after tragedy. It was easier to stay in my pain; I did not like how I felt but I was comfortable. There was no more hurt to experience.

Day 1281

I went on that second date with Marcus, that’s name. He was not the first guy to ask me out, but he is the only one that I wanted to see. He was very understanding about how our last date ended. Thank God. We went to a little bristo right outside of town. A new spot built about a year ago. It was nice and comfortable.

Of course, he asked me what took me so long to go out with him again. I said that I was not in any real rush and that he would have either waited or he wouldn’t.

What he said next really shocked me.

He said that he knew what loss looked like and that he could see that I was in pain. He assured me that he understood why I had not been ready. I guess for all my attempts at masking my pain he still saw through them. Something about this knowledge made me loosen up and have an enjoyable time.

I learned that he had his heartbroken while in college and that the experience had felt like a part of him had died. He told me that for a long time he did not trust women and for a while he had no interest in trying for love again.

I was thinking, “whoa dude, a little early to be talking about love.” But before I could say those words, something struck me; I realized that I wanted to feel love again.

Do you know, I started crying like baby then laughing like a crazy lady right there at the table? Everyone looked alarmed and confused, even a little scared.

Everyone, except Marcus.

He just leaned back in his seat and smiled at me. He even looked relieved, like he had passed a test or something. I stopped caring about what people thought of me years ago, so having all those people watching meant did not bother me. It seemed like Marcus, and I were on the same page because he started laughing right along with me. Soon he was in tears too.

Mine were no longer from pain but joy; the best part of the whole night, I had someone to share with again.

Day 1286

Today I got up earlier and went back to the old house. There is a family living there now, they looked happy. I sat across the street in my car and watched them all day.

The woman came out to my car and asked what I wanted. She said she would call the police if I did not leave. I quickly told her that I used to live in her house and had loss someone special to me. I had come back for closure and to release myself from my pain and move on. I assured her that I meant no harm to her or her beautiful family.

I told her that it had made me feel alive again seeing her and her family happy there and that I hoped they would always be happy together. Then I slowly drove off toward the bristo to see Marcus.

I still have my pain, but it does not control me anymore. I no longer feel the power of fear. I feel strong and ready to live the rest if my life.

I love you Ethan, I always will.