Cycle of Abuse

I thought once I left my verbally, bordering on physically, abusive first marriage in 2003 that I would never again fall victim to such things. Unfortunately for me, abuse comes in many forms and taking care of my mental health was an important detail that I overlooked due to society making me think something was wrong with me. Unfortunately, abuse reared its ugly head in different forms.

My first marriage I was 21 years old, pregnant and thought I knew what love was. These cheesy movies we all watch give us an unrealistic and unhealthy view of what love is. That somehow getting our heart broken for the same person to come and realize their wrongs was the answer. I'm here to say that is not it, it is not the answer. It's the exact opposite of the way things should go. For two and a half years I was told how worthless I was, how stupid I was, how no one else would ever want me, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. I finally woke up one day and left. I moved back to my parent's house with my children in tow and whatever things would fit in my car and my mom's. I met a guy at work and he seemed really thoughtful and fun. Soon I learned what "all that glitters is not gold" truly meant.

The guy at work was very good looking, funny, and smooth. We were friends that led to having a physical relationship and eventually something called a relationship that definitely wasn't one. He treated me like a child, if I did something that displeased him he would "punish" me by not coming to see me and not responding to texts or calls. I found myself walking on eggshells as to not upset him. If he heard a rumor about me they were automatically true, no matter how ridiculous the rumor sounded. He wanted us a secret but also didn't want anyone else to show interest in me. I must be entertaining the attention for it to be happening according to him. After a lot of off and on and a job change, I finally realized this was manipulation and emotional abuse and ended things.

I took a long while healing and trying to gain back who I was and find my worth. After some time I had a friend at my new job who was also going through a break up. We would talk some outside of work. I promise I don't purposely make a habit of meeting people at work, but when you're a single mom that's pretty much it for meeting people. This friend and I did eventually decide that we both had needs and we discussed up front that this was strictly platonic and no strings attached. He would come to my house or me to his and we would lay there for hours sometimes just talking about what we were going through and our emotions around that. When I decided to start trying to date again I was open and let him know and we discussed if we should end the physical part of our "relationship" and after a little bit decided if I was going to try to find a relationship and life partner I couldn't do that while also being intimate with someone else. He understood and we stayed friends and still talked about the different things we were going through and gave each other advice or our perspectives. I did come to regret the physical part, but not because it turned out badly, but because that meant giving up a friend that I didn't want to give up.

Eventually I met a guy and he was amazing! We talked for quite some time and got to know each other. He seemed thoughtgul and caring, everything I was looking for. He showered me with compliments and telling me that he was really falling for me. It was a long distance relationship and after a little over a year of us going back and forth to see each other we decided I would move to where he lived. I uprooted my life and my children and moved to a new town. I didn't know anyone and I only had him. He did introduce me to his friends and they seemed really amazing as well. Over time things began to change, suddenly his attitude towards my son changed, his attitude toward me changed, and he was not the sweet, patient, loving man I thought I had married. Suddenly he was immediately defensive if I brought up anything that bothered me, and trying to gaslight me. He cheated on me and my whole world blew up. All the healing I thought I had done was clear and apparent I had not healed. I was back to feeling like I was worthless and all the other things my first husband had ever said about me. I was now in the clutches of love dumping, bait and switch, narcisism.

I soon thought about the friend I gave up. I thought about one of the last times he had sent me a text, it was hinting that he did have some feelings but didn't want to say anything further because he also wanted me happy. He had chosen to stop communication with me once things became serious in my relationship because he wanted to respect that it should be a boundary because of our history. I realized the most intimate relationship I have ever had with a man was that friendship and not a "relationship" at all. I suddenly felt very bad about myself and beating myself up for all of my time wasted from my early 20's until my early 40's, time I would never get back. Wishing I could go back and do so many things so differently.

I can't rewind time, but I can let people know there are so many ways abuse rears its ugly head. So often we are telling ourselves things like "well, at least he doesn't hit me" or "he's still better than my ex". Better doesn't always mean the situation is good. If you're making those statements it means it's not a good sitation that you are in. My recent lesson was that love dumping is a percursor to future abuse. I was reeled in by all the love being thrown at me, something I was starved for in my adult life. It felt like I had finally been blessed with this amazing man that was really into me. In the end he was only building me up to tear me down.

Now I am trying to find a new me. I don't really have any desire to date and my future is really up in the air right now. It's hard when your sense of security gets shattered and you are left feeling open and raw like a fresh wound. I'm working on changing my mindset, but that will take some time. I hope this helps someone to research and discover the different forms abuse can take and how once you're in an abusive relationship you can unconciously keep landing into abusive relationships. Those red flags don't always appear to be red flags because your idea of what is a healthy relationship is already skewed by that experience. Your life is not a movie, the love of your life should not break you then come back to realize you're the one for them all along. They should just realize it to begin with.