Cutting Out the Past

I knew it. I fucking knew it. You can think whatever you want in your mind just don’t let it come out of your mouth. That’s all that was racing through my head when I looked over at the red flashing numbers that burned into my eyes; it forced me to close them for the first time for more than a second in two days. The overwhelming burning that came from the mixture of lack of sleep and and wind-sprints can only be compared to that of the one-hundred and three degree fever I experienced as a child. I was exhausted and out of time. Today was our weekly weigh in and I knew I was going to be over. This happens to us “bleeders” as we are now referred to. Once upon a time we were people. Now we are merely scoffed at by the droids as collateral damage. Too much “cargo” and the ship does not travel at optimum speed. All we can figure out is that when there is too much of “us”, they make sure we make it right. And by make it right that is what I had to do. I had to bring my weight down by three ounces. But back to being a “bleeder”, I currently have my period so my weight is up. Every third to forth week like clockwork unless I starve myself I am over my weight allotment. With food being as scarce as it is there is no turning away a free meal if it is presented to you. I don’t know about you but I did not fall down and bump my head and forget that in this new utopian society that we were promised is not all that it’s cracked up to be.

“Fuck.” This one came out. “So much for not letting anything come out of your mouth,” I thought. I knew I was going to pay for that one too. And just like that fifty thousand volts went right into my frail ribcage instantly knocking the wind and my feet out from under me in one trigger pull. My five foot-seven, one hundred and twenty-five pound and three ounce frame came crashing down faster than the notion that Brittney Spears was actually free and happy. And just like that, all hiding was gone. All eyes were on me now. I was now on the center stage gasping for air and thanks to the taser, it hit me. Well technically the taser hit me. But where it hit me would be my saving grace. I instantly knew what I could cut from myself that would not cause me any more pain. Now that vanity no longer prevails all of the mirrors were ordered to be smashed. I had almost forgotten all about it. And I would have too if not for those medalling droids. So thanks, I guess… I mean not having to cut a piece of my flesh off, for lack of better words, to “make weight” aboard a droid space craft would be preferable, but I digress. My pound of flesh, if you will, would now be an easy sacrifice. It was in fact, the last reminder of a life I lived so long ago. After remembering that life, even for a split second, it gave me the strength I needed to get up off of my ass pick up the knife and cut out the the heart-shaped locket that my ex-husband had tattooed on my side. The thought of him always will make me angry, but I how ironic… I am literally cutting out, what he thought would be on me forever, only to now save my life. If Alanis was still around I bet she would have worked it into her song. Well, then again, perhaps not.

Five ounces later… One hundred and twenty four point eight pounds here I am. The point two was worth it to ensure every last bit of shading was erased. I always have been a bit of an over achiever. The healing will not be instant but I will take it one day at a time.