Confidently Unconfident

If you search "quotes about confidence," you'll find many different encouraging quotes about believing in yourself, overcoming fear, and many more things.

But if I'm being completely honest with myself - and you - confidence is something that I've struggled with my entire adult life.

Let me explain.

I've always been introverted, liked to keep to myself, didn't like big crowds, the whole thing. Asserting myself in any situation made my heart pound, and I preferred to stay out of people's radar.

This manifested in many different ways during my college years. Finding a partner to work with in class always freaked me out. Volunteering to answer a question only happened in small classes, and even that gave me anxiety, even if I confidently knew the answer.

The worst was theatre. Yes, I know, you'd think that someone in theatre would love the spotlight and be confident and loud and proud. But that wasn't me. I struggled to make my voice project loud enough to be heard at the back of the auditorium, no matter how much work I did with my voice teacher or how much encouragement I got from directors and fellow castmates. So I stayed in the background, happily supporting others save for the few solos I got here and there.

The first show that I performed in that wasn't a musical, I was certain I wouldn't get any part. Though I had playfully been doing a cockney accent since I was in my early teens, I was extremely nervous about doing it in front of people that weren't my siblings. When I got the call from the director, I was sure that it was to tell me that I hadn't made it. The community theatre where I performed had - and still has - a lot of talented people involved, so I was sure that I'd been passed over. Imagine my surprise when I got the role!

Even after the show, I didn't think I'd done anything spectacular. But friends and other actors that I admired for their skill told me that I was one of the highlights of the show. Do you think I believed them? Nope. But I accepted their praise with a quiet smile. I certainly wasn't going to argue with them - don't like confrontation, remember?

The following year I served as the assistant director for a main season show. I'd worked with this director for the children's show each June - that was honestly a piece of cake, since I enjoyed working with children and didn't have to do much talking or directing. But for this show, not only was I working with adults, but I was also the choreographer for the ballroom dancing that was in the show. I knew that there were dancers much more talented than I, but I mustered up my courage, asked for help when I needed it, and ended up also dancing during scene changes. It was honestly one of the best experiences of my life.

If I had more self-confidence back then, perhaps I would have gotten more lead roles. My theatre teacher and frequent director would try to pull confidence from me, but it never quite worked. Unfortunately, that lack of self-confidence followed me into my career.

One of the worst things for me was job interviews. Fresh out of college, I had only had one job - and that one because the costume shop manager reached out to me and asked if I was interested. So interviews were, to say the least, daunting.

A friend who always does well in interviews gave me the advice, just be confident in yourself! (This coming from someone who, even if he doesn't feel confident, will project confidence effortlessly.) Back when I had little experience, however, I didn't feel very confident at all and hadn't needed to pretend before.

As I've gotten more experience and seen the positive results of my work, it's gotten easier to have confidence in myself. Interviews are easier since I know what I can do and am proud of what I can bring to an organization. I know I'm a great teacher.

Another area where self-confidence has been a struggle for me is in my looks. It's puzzling, since my parents never failed to tell me that I was beautiful growing up. But something happened around college that made me question it. Maybe it was being around more people than I was being homeschooled. Maybe I started comparing myself to others. Whatever it was, it hit me hard.

My sense of style changed, and I wore clothes that were more flattering to my body. I tried out new hairstyles. I was constantly being told that I was beautiful, that people loved my clothes and my hair. But I didn't believe any of it, though I pretended that I did.

It's only now, at 32, that I'm really starting to believe that I am pretty. I have my moments of doubt, my boyfriend will tell you, but I'm growing and practicing affirmations to remind myself that I am beautiful, and I should be confident in myself.

Finally, the area where I struggle the most with self-confidence is my writing.

Wild, since I've wanted to be a published author since I was 11, but hear me out.

This struggle was different. I would write things that I liked, but I worried that it wasn't good enough. I would severely downplay the things that I wrote, and it was rare for me to actually let anyone outside of my circle to read anything. It was a constant battle within myself to actually acknowledge that I was talented, even though there was so much evidence to show that I was.

In the past couple of years, I've worked hard to build up my confidence in my writing. Reading over the past two novels I've written, I've found unintentional foreshadowing, unplanned parallels between chapters, witty dialogue, and more. I've come to accept that yes, I am a talented writer. Not only am I seeing this for myself, but I'm also hearing it from others that I have shared my writing with. I'm continuing to work on that confidence for when I put my work out into the world for a wider audience to read.

Finding self-confidence has been a journey, and it's nowhere near complete for me. I'll probably be struggling with it my entire life, and that's okay. What I do know is that it is important to have people around you who consistently support and encourage you, and remind you of the great things about you. I'm blessed to have these in abundance.

I leave you with this quote that I found about confidence: "Always remember you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - A.A. Milne