Confessions of The Black Lover Boy: Atasha

I swore you were out of my reach. I remember in kindergarten you were the prettiest girl in my class, hands down. No questions. I wished and longed to get close to you, but I always thought there would be no way you would be into me. I don’t know what about you made me make that assumption. It was probably a cowardly way of giving an excuse for failing before an attempt. I never felt I wanted to talk to you because I feared talking too much. I felt everything might start spilling out. Everything I thought, right there on the table. I was in elementary school with you for 5 years. I watched you “date” my best friend. You both declared you liked each other and everyone thought it was awesome. It made me sick. Around 4th grade, I decided I didn’t want to date anyone else. I just felt like I was doing too much of it, and it wasn’t ending nicely. I continued to see you grow and blossom during those years. My feelings for you got stronger once my friend moved away. It was an extremely bittersweet moment when your best friend leaves and your love interest becomes available. I didn’t try to be with you in elementary. I just didn’t want to try at that point. I wasn’t ready.

We both graduated and went on to the same middle school. We ended up in a new environment with an attractive recognizable face. I would see you, and all of a sudden there was this recognition that was undeniable. I felt your beauty recognized mine as my beauty recognized yours. You were the first girl that made me really feel attractive. I thought I was dope before, but with you, I grew into the knowing. You were this beautiful reflection of attraction. We would have these long conversations in text and on the phone that would make my whole body tingle. You would make me feel immensely adored while incredibly attractive. I think one thing about you that made you incredible was your words. The way you spoke to me made me feel like a girl feels when someone runs the right game. I was just hoping at all times I was giving you that same energy. I really learned about my affection through you.

Those countless after school walks. We would walk 30 plus blocks with each other. Unlimited stops to kiss, unlimited convos about everything and nothing. I feel like we spent so much time together. So many intimate moments where the world was found between our lips. I feel like you were the perfect storm of infatuation and friendship. When we weren’t physical, I actually enjoyed our conversations. I actually enjoyed you. I guess that’s what made our private times so incredible. We would plan out scheduled alone time we would call “Moments in heaven.” Secluded moments where we would allow our bodies to do what ever felt natural. We didn’t stop ourselves, we just wrapped ourselves in each other the best way we knew how. It was the most incredible experience. In 6th grade, you gave me this access to freedom. In your arms making this thing we thought was love made me feel like I was flying when I went to school the next day. I would walk to school with the confidence that my love existed there. Someone who was proud to say she was mine the way I was proud to say I was hers. Middle school seemed to breeze by. Countless parties I can remember dancing close to you, feeling like I could live this life forever. You were one of the moments when I thought everything was actually perfect.

It’s funny, there is nothing about us that I could have ever expected.

We ended up at a point where we were together for a while. Summer vacation didn’t stop us from seeing each other because we lived so close to each other. We started arguing. Which I had never really experienced in any of my other relationships. That made me feel weird because I never felt lower than when we argued. We would say things to each other that made me feel like we were at war. We would always make up, or at least I felt we did. Maybe I didn’t pay attention to it enough.

After a while, I noticed myself getting news about you from my friends. Just random whispers about you with other people. It would start with a “Yo I saw her hug ____for a while.” Or “I saw her with some dude over there.” All these things never made me suspicious because we had something that was realer then anything I’d ever experienced. I know what we did was special to us. Some time passed and the whispers seemed to die down for a bit. I didn’t really know if that was a good thing. I remember one day someone coming to me and telling me they had just seen you a few blocks from school kissing some guy. I was quicker to believe this time because you weren’t at school and I wanted to see you bad that day. I was too young to understand what cheating was. I just knew it was the first time I really felt betrayed. I felt like all of our walks, and all of our talks were just particles floating away in front of me. I told the kid I wanted to see who the guy was reflexively. The kid took that and made noise about me wanting to fight this guy. In reality, I didn’t want to fight him because I didn’t know who he was. He was a non factor in my mind because all I cared about was you. News got to him that I wanted to meet him and he saw that as a challenge and got a message back to me that he was going to jump me with his friends. I remember walking the same route that we had walked so many times, and people walking with me telling me he is in the area looking for me. I remember finding safety in a deli we would start our walks at. I remember walking home checking over my shoulder. You doing what you did ended up having so many hurts outside of the one that mattered to me. I felt like I dealt with so much nonsense that was through other people. So many people teasing me about something that was serious.

I started texting you and asking why. You told me it was a combination of us being together too long and him having a six pack also. I genuinely felt cheated, but it was only because I felt you just left me alone and seemingly got a replacement. What our love was, can never be taken away. When people teased me about you, I only knew your love. I couldn’t feel bitter, although I wanted to just walk with you again. I stopped walking and started taking the bus with my cousin, but it was only because I couldn’t walk with you. I wonder if you and the guy started walking too. He had a really stupid name. I couldn’t even picture you saying it. But I suppose I had to get used to the idea that you were none of my business. All of a sudden you were someone else’s and it was as if my world got flipped upside down. I just wake up one day, and in this reality, my girl likes another guy, and everything she previously loved about us is only things I hold in memory. You were my introduction to life and death. In our prime, it felt like everything would last absolutely forever. In our end, it seems as if we were never there.

I still remember.