Communication

Communication:

1: A process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior. Exchange of information.

2: Information communicated, information transmitted or conveyed. A verbal or written message.

Source: Merriam-Webster Dictionary Online.

People often struggle with communicating efficiently to get their point across. Conveying our thoughts and feelings to others is a skill. Sometimes we forget our words, and in the heat of the moment we might even say things we regret afterwards. Communicating is hard.

For a trauma survivor, communicating is even harder. It can be almost impossible to make someone understand how we feel about something, especially if it is trauma related. Instead of trying again, we often push our thoughts away, and retreat into our safe silent world. Survivors don’t always know how they feel, but we sure as hell (pardon my language) feel it in our bodies. Our bodies absorb everything like a sponge and hold onto it, including trauma memories.

These “feelings” manifests in headaches, stomach upsets, tension, etc. The problem is that those feelings that are pushed aside will never go away completely. They have a way of showing up, when you least expect them to.

The Pressure Cooker Effect

If you ignore the need to communicate how you feel, those feelings can become cooped up inside your body. It’s like a pressure cooker uses pressure from steam to cook food. Eventually, we need to let that “pressure” out before we burst, and our feelings become an embarrassing “oil spill” of emotions wherever we happen to be. Trust me, it always happens in the worst possible place! Sometimes, we just need to let the “pressure out.”

Triggers happen everywhere

I’m a trauma survivor, and even after years of therapy, I still have times when I am triggered. It can be the simplest of things that catches me because triggers are everywhere. They can pop up when we least expect them and cause havoc in our busy lives.

When triggers happen, the last thing we want to do is to talk about it. Keeping complicated feelings inside is the worst thing we can do, but if you are a survivor, this is what we learned as children. Keeping our own business to ourselves because nobody listens anyway, right? That is the way we saw the world as children. I know many survivors feel this way. It is extremely hard to get out of learned behavior.

People are not mind readers

Everything is not fine all the time, and people should hear about it. Our voices do matter. You matter. But if we do not speak up and communicate those feelings, people will never know, or understand how we truly feel. This causes misunderstandings about what trauma does to an individual. Many people truly believe that once the trauma has stopped, everything is great and back to normal again. How wrong is that misconception? The truth is the opposite. Most trauma survivors suffer for years afterwards.

The general public are desensitized by triggering events because they happen all the time. The news is always reporting horrific events, protests and anger from conflict. Our world is hurting right now in so many different places, and it is distressing to see and process. These events have become normal. It should not be normal that our wonderful world has so much conflict, causing billions of people to live in terror and pain. Yet, here we are, and survivors often get lost in the maelstrom, as we move through life.

Changing lives, one small step at a time

We cannot change the whole world, but we can start small and change our immediate world, meaning our surroundings and the people we see every day. We can do this by speaking up and telling people how we feel.

It’s okay to let someone know that “you are not doing so great.”

People need to know to be able to understand. All those little stressors from every day, that cause us to be triggered, are like little darts being shot at us from all directions. One or two darts don’t hurt that much, but more than that, and they sure start to hurt more, right?

How do you break the habit of a lifetime and tell people how you feel?

Well, it is not easy to do, and my advice is to practice.

Use the bathroom mirror once you have calmed down from your silent meltdown, and say to yourself: “I matter, and my voice matters.” Then, practice what you are going to say to the person who triggered you. Share something small about yourself that you might not be certain that you want to share, and see what happens. I think you will be surprised at the reaction that you get.

I will give you an example of how I shared something about myself that I didn’t feel comfortable sharing, but I’m now happy that I did.

Two of my colleagues were always bickering about stuff, and sometimes, they would use colorful language. The way they spoke to each other upset me, so I told them (separately). “I really don’t like the way you speak to XXXXXXX; it upsets me because…” Neither of them had any idea how I felt, and the two of them made peace. At least while I’m around.

On another occasion, I had to speak up and tell another mom that I did not like the words she used to speak to her son at practice and that it was upsetting to me and my kids. It made that mom think about her words and she is now much kinder words (and calmer) to her son and my ears!

A third example is when I tell people that “I am allergic to cream.” This is not entirely true but as close to the truth as I am comfortable to share. I cannot eat cream without feeling physically sick to my stomach because of what happened to me as a child. I do not share those details because it is too personal. Instead by sharing that “I’m allergic to cream,” people will understand that I react to it in some way, which is true.

By speaking up and telling others how we feel about something can be a game changer, and I think it could help you as well.

So, what are you waiting for? Try it out and let me know how it goes.

My name is Lizzy. I’m a trauma survivor, a wife, a mom, a teacher, and an author.

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Here are a few links to my top articles:

Looking for a Change?

https://medium.com/activated-thinker/looking-for-a-change-f391e85abbd7

How To Explain Complex PTSD To Loved Ones

https://medium.com/illumination/how-to-explain-complex-ptsd-to-loved-ones-769f81d437ab

A Search for Identity

https://medium.com/beyond-lines/a-search-for-identity-893df7c970c2

Dealing With Flashbacks

https://medium.com/illumination/dealing-with-flashbacks-1b8c0d94c19d

The Knock on the Door that Changed My World

https://medium.com/illumination/the-knock-on-the-door-that-changed-my-world-ff126c8c07cf

The Goodbye I Never Said Out Loud

https://medium.com/beyond-lines/the-goodbye-i-never-said-out-loud-dde14090bccc