Coming Out in Oklahoma

This is part 1....

I can remember always being a little different than all the other boys in school. I started noticing the little differences probably around 2nd or 3rd grade. I acted different, I sounded different, I liked different things. Now being that young, I wasn't sure why I was different, or what to call it but I could tell I was not like the other boys.

Growing up in rural Oklahoma has its challenges all on it own, straight or gay. People expect you to be a "country" boy, playing with tractors in the dirt, always being outside getting dirty and eventually meeting and marrying a girl... This doesn't even begin to open the book on religion. Luckily my parents were not ones to force religion on us as kids, if we wanted to attend church they would take us and pick us up, but we were never told we HAD to go, which I count as a blessing. I did attend a few small churches in my youth, it was really the only thing social to do in the summer when you weren't in school. I know this sounds horrible but that is the only reason i went to church is to see my friends. I will get into this part of my growing up later in the series.

Starting, like I said, in 2nd or 3rd grade I could tell I was different. I had more friends that were girls, the boys either didn't want to be my friend or I didn't want to be theirs. So in class and at recess I stuck with my entourage of girls. Though it was unclear at that early age why, I just didn't have as much in common with the boys. Time would quickly show me the ugly side of things and how quickly, and at an early age, kids can be mean and start to bully.

Now, being so young, like I said I knew I was different but didn't know what to call it. the older kids, 5th graders, knew exactly. I can pinpoint the first time I was ever called a Faggot... I was in 3rd grade, the GIRL, that's right, girl, who called me that was a 5th grader. She was my first and #1 bully that year. Kids in my grade didn't know what that was, but quickly learned. I was now being made fun of and picked on daily. P.E. class was a nightmare. The other boys didn't want to pick me for their teams now cause they were now all calling me Faggot and Queerbait ect.. I wasn't even 100% sure that's what was different about me at that age, but here I was already being picked on and bullied. That girl that started it all turned out to be a big butch lesbian, so I think she just used me to get the attention off of her as a deflector. If I could be the new target then she was in the clear. It took me awhile but in time I forgave her, now am i best friends with her, NO, but I learned at that age you don't always think of the consequences of your behavior and how they will effect others, you are just trying to survive in the Bible belt, or I have often described it as the Buckle of the Bible belt.

Over the next couple of years the bullying and name calling only got worse, 4th and 5th grade were no cake walk. It was tough, I would lay in my room and cry before my mom would come in and "wake" me up to get ready for school. I still wasn't 100% sure this was me, but as I was getting older I felt like it was pretty much who I was. I did my own private "research" on what it was to be gay. but in rural Oklahoma how much could I really figure out without the internet and such. I was secretly looking at dictionary's and encyclopedia's, looking up all these names I had been called and then I would occasionally find a magazine article about gay people in Hollywood and was trying to figure out if this really was me, and I what all these kids are calling me, am I REALLY going to be that different....

Stay tuned..