Clung To The Idea

I’m clung to the idea of dying early. Or at least I used to be. Ever was. That’s the terrible part. The ever was thing. Feeling as though I shouldn’t be here. That no one would care if I was gone or even the matter that I wouldn’t care if I was gone. I go about living my life so unnoticed and it used to be a problem to me. Now I just wish to be forgotten more than how I already am. The depths of my despair and my shallow try at being involved with anything positive only brings me more down. I feel crazy. It’s almost as though all of my screams are sent to the same place; the void, and no one can hear them.

I really don’t wish to die early but the pressing matter that global issues still exists within a place that cares more about making money rather than helping people out actually shuns me into a state of fear and I criss cross into a state that is unsafe and lonely. I mean not all are careless but they haven’t been doing the most for people stuck in poverty which is so corrupt in my mind. Just the fact that smart phones get upgraded ever so often but they’re still people going about hungry and thirsty and stuck in a place that isn’t caring for their needs. It’s an angry way of showing the lack of care a government can give to its people but I know it’s not personal. Obviously. Yet it’s still tragic to still allow ones to die or suffer long enough to be hurt in those ways.

I mean I’m beyond blessed, lucky, and privileged to be in a country that does take care of us such as welfare (income assistance), food banks and clothing drives but where is the morality in allowing people to still suffer or go without when there are so many outlets that have tons of products that just sit there because some don’t like the price or they don’t need it or even that there’s too many of the products that not enough people are needing at the time of right now. Then also these plenty of products get accompanied by even newer products that will just sit there. That’s why I believe that free trade should exist or even if it were just for temporary that things get off the shelves because those people overseas who created those products need their dollars more than us. Since it’s just so odd that everything functions with the use of things already created I say for the most part that money can go away. I mean people kill for money, they die over money or do sketchy things to make more money and it’s sad because having money is valued more than having personal values and it just upsets me because there is no need to be that shot down over a human made object that is plastic in my country oh for the reminder that money is in fact fake and that those loosing their lives over it are in the right and do not need to be wronged because they’re short of any of it.

I was so clung to the idea of dying early. But as I write more and more and less for myself and more for my content to be published and read by those promising to fulfill my will and then be witnessed by ones that do care and would love to do something about the things concerning my heart in the ways that I had ever felt lost or anything like that would be amazing. Amazing because I’m expressing my pain in ways that are both loud and effective. Although my audience is quite small I still attempt to do my best and bring out the most I possibly can because there is always something or someone listening out there and who knows maybe one day all of my “global issues rants” will become a “things finally got better” topic of my everyday conversation. Since for me I can’t hold small talk but having deep meaningful conversations are my way of being. I have no shame over that just maybe some slight regrets of not being able to bring that up when I’m meeting new people.

My personal issues feel as though they are eating me alive. I can’t believe how poor in spirit I generally had ever been taken for. Poor in ways that I can understand now to a certain limit but I am confident in my situation where I may become stronger and richer in the concept of non material wealth. Which is my favourite riches to exist. It’s one of the most important ones too and that will always impress myself to the matter that I can be rich with knowledge & wisdom and that I may feel successful, worthy, and important of and for carrying it. That’s why I have backed down on wanting to die so soon. That my impressions of living in fear was only a heavy mask to help hide me away from these fears that are unhealthy and to be blunt are quite useless to examine in matters of the way of how or why these things are ever happening.