Clean Slate

Cigar smoke greeted me when I opened the doors to the bar. Darkness was all I wanted, so I could hide the mascara streaks that stained my face. Earlier, I stumbled across a status change post on Facebook, “Engaged to Marcus Johnson”. Marcus Johnson, who happened to be my husband, must have forgotten to mention that his late nights and overtime was spent in another woman’s bed. I quickly began searching the house for evidence of the affair. I found nothing but a single folder tucked away amongst other folders in his filing cabinet. “PETITION FOR DIVORCE”. How could I be so blind? I felt as if a thousand needles flowed through my blood piercing every inch of me.

After a few minutes of crying, rage took over. Don’t give him your tears. I thought to myself. Matter of fact ruin his plans all together. I pulled the envelope back out and left it open on the kitchen counter UNSIGNED. Then, like any other woman in this situation would do, I grabbed the biggest knife I could find and ran it through every stitch of fabric in the house. After destroying everything, I packed my belongings and went to the first place I could think to go. The bar.

“I’ll take a glass of Merlot” I said to the short haired bartender behind the counter.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, we don’t serve wine. Would you like a mixed drink?” She offered. She turned and looked me in the eyes, and it was as if she saw right into my soul. “You know what, I happen to love wine and I just bought a fresh case of Bright Cellars wine. I’ll serve a bottle. Free of charge.”

She was sweet and I really wanted that wine. “Thanks, but I don’t want you to get into trouble.” I replied reluctantly.

“No trouble.” She chuckled. “I know for a fact the owner won’t mind.”

“l in that case, I’ll take a bottle of Merlot please.” I said with a forced smile. With that she vanished. It wasn’t long before she returned with two bottles. I guess she could tell I had a rough day.

“You know, bartenders are the best psychiatrists out here. I’m happy to listen if there is anything you want to talk about.” The bartender offered.

“Psychologists.” I replied. Her eyes narrowed with a questioning smile. “Psychologists prescribe medicine, psychologists just listen and talk through your problems.”

She pointed to my wine, “This happens to be the best prescription medication there is ma’am.” She winked as she leaned back against the bar. I couldn’t help but to laugh. She’s smart. Talking with her might actually be helpful.

“I’m Lauren.” I said raising my glass to her. “and you are Doctor…?”

“Phyllis.” She replied.

“Seriously that’s your name?” I said picturing Dr. Phil.

“No.” she laughed. “Alejandra. Call me AJ”.

I threw my face into my hands. I am so gullible. Probably how my husband was able to have another life without me having any idea. She laughed again, then placed her hands on mine and pulled them away from my face.

“Don’t be embarrassed.” She said with a gentle smile. This woman had an odd way of making forget about the pain of the day.

I was surprisingly relaxed and at ease as I began to tell her of my adulterous husband. When I finished, AJ leaned back against the back bar, “Congratulations and welcome to your new life.”

I’m sure I looked like a complete idiot with my mouth gapped open and confusion on my face. “Listen you have a clean slate. You have the means and the ability to go anywhere with anyone. You’re FREE! Not to mention if this guy didn’t even have the courage to tell you about the affair, he’s no real man and definitely not worthy of your love. There are billions of people in this world and you now have the world at your feet. Go. Explore. Live!”

I sat and let her words sink in. She’s right. I do have a clean slate. “I don’t know where I would even begin.” I said with a blank stare.

“You don’t have to figure it all out tonight. One step at a time. Do you have a place to stay tonight?” she asked. “I would suggest a hotel, but the NBA Finals are going on at the Staples Center. You won’t find an available hotel room for miles. You drank both bottles of wine, so I don’t feel comfortable letting you drive. I do, however, have a couch in the backroom you’re welcome to.”

I thought about it for a moment and with every second that passed I could feel sleep taking over me. “Actually, yes, your couch sounds wonderful.” I said with exhaustion.

A gleaming stream of golden light awoke me early the next morning. “Good morning sunshine.” AJ said in an all to chipper voice as she entered the room.

“How long have you been here?” I asked hoping it wasn’t long.

AJ laughed as she seemed to do often regarding me in our budding new friendship. “I live upstairs.” She simply replied. “I was thinking last night. We should take a road trip to Napa Valley to begin your self-discovery tour. You clearly love wine, and as your psychiatrist, I think it would be good therapy.”

I had never been out of the Los Angeles County in my 32 years of life. The thought brought about a spark of excitement. “Do you think you could get time off in such short notice?”

Another laugh came from AJ. She was really starting to give me a complex. “The owner definitely won’t mind.”

“You seem to know how the owner will feel about a lot of things. Are you two married?” I interrogated. Another laugh was the response I got. “And WHY DO YOU KEEP LAUGHING AT ME?”

This time she laughed out loud holding her stomach. When she had enough, she finally said, “First, I am quite enjoying myself with you. Second, I am the owner of this bar. Finally, I am divorced, not married. My wife also cheated on me, only I was the one to file for divorce.”

“Oh!” Was all I could manage to say.

AJ just smiled. “If my having an ex-wife doesn’t change your mind about me being your road trip partner, then I’m going to head up to my apartment to pack.”

This new information didn’t change anything. I was excited for the adventure and eager to get started. “No! It doesn’t change anything.” I replied too quickly. She smiled and retreated to her apartment.

It was a six-and-a-half-hour drive from L.A. to Napa Valley. It was AJ’s turn to talk this time. I asked her to tell me about her divorce and I learned a great deal about her life and lifestyle. Napa was beautiful! So much land and color! I took a deep breath and for the first time in 11 years I felt like I could breathe. I felt so full of life.

“How about a date?” AJ asked. “I’m starving.” I shared my thoughts on AJ’s excellent therapy skills over our meal and another glass of merlot. She placed her hand on mine as a tear escaped from my eye when I finished. Not from sadness but happiness and relief. Her touch made that feeling greater. This wonderful woman was healing me from the inside out and it felt so natural. Like I had known her for years. I just felt safe and comfortable with her. I couldn’t quite explain it other than it felt like coming home.

We spent the week in seeing vineyard after vineyard. Laughing and talking, admiring this amazing place, and not having a care in the world. On the 6th day while walking through a wine cellar on yet another tour, the ground below us began to rumble. I had been in an earthquake before but this one felt stronger than ever before. Fear instantly overcame me. AJ swooped me into her arms and cradled me to the ground. The earthquake seemed like it lasted for ever. I couldn’t break myself from her embrace. Like she was my anchor and if I let go, I would fall into the abyss.

“It’s ok. It’s over. You’re safe.” She kept repeating it over and over. It wasn’t over though. The world was still shaking. Then I realized I was the one still shaking.

I slowly released my grip on AJ and pulled away. She brushed a few strands of hair from my face, “It’s ok I got you. You’re safe.” She said with so much care and concern. All I could do was stare at her as my heart was banging through my chest. Then it happened. I kissed her. I don’t know what came over me, but I just leaned in, without hesitation, and parted her lips with mine. It was long and passionate and filled me with more emotion than I have felt in a long time. It felt good. Then scary. What was I doing? I pulled away and quickly retreated from the cellar. My mind was racing. What was I thinking? I clearly wasn’t thinking.

The car was parked far from the cellar, but I wasted no time getting to it. I paced back and forth exploring my options for explanations. I settled on stress from my situation and fear from the earthquake as the reason for my brief moment of insanity. It was a long time before AJ slowly walked up to the car. I had plenty of time to write a script in my mind of what I would say to her when she arrived. Once she was standing in front of me though, the words escaped me, and all I could do was cry. AJ crossed the space between us and embraced me again. Once the sobbing subsided, she helped me into the car and drove to the hotel. We remained silent for the rest of the night, but the conversation going on in my head was loud.

When I awoke in the morning AJ was sitting by the window. “Do you want to go back to L.A.?” She asked. I was really enjoying myself before last night and there was nothing left there for me. I just shook my head. I had been mulling over my thoughts all night long and I had come to know a few things. I knew I liked men, but I also enjoyed that kiss. I knew that since meeting AJ I felt safe, happy, and full of life again. I knew I was scared, but I was also curious to see what might come next. “This is scary, and I don’t know what any of it means for me.” I confessed in a whisper.

“All things new and unknown are scary.” She replied. “I don’t think what happened defines who you are. I think people are attracted to people. Maybe you’re just attracted to me. I mean I don’t think that one kiss makes you a lesbian. I think, maybe, you just feel a deeper connection with me.”

I sat, contemplating all she had said. Once again, she was right. One kiss doesn’t define who I am. Besides, I came here to start over. That’s not something I should go into with a closed mind. Everything is new. “I don’t want to just forget it and move on? What if I wanted to try something new?” I asked.

There was a long pause before AJ replied, “I’d say Dr. Phyllis thinks you’re cured.” With that a smile spread across her face. My heart began to do backflips as I took in the joy that she was radiating.

This time I laughed as I rose from the bed and crossed to room to hug her. “Take it slow!” I demanded. “This is my first time after all.”

“That I can do!” She said, “That I can do.”