Chapter One: Childhood

We had a big backyard. Three quarters of an acre. The biggest of anyone we knew. Honeysuckle covered the back fence that guarded us from the alley way. There were tall trees and a stone statue. There was a metal pole and swing set. In the back corner was a secret hiding place where I would hide silver ware and different dishes from our kitchen. I made soups out of mud and leaves. I collected acorns and left them out in a bowl for the squirrels.

One day I was in the backyard, my little bare feet covered in mud. My mother came out screaming for me to come inside. My brother was wrapped in a sleeping bag, soaked in blood. My Mimi held me in the hospital. My parents fought when we got home.

My brothers room was navy and red. The sheets on his bed were navy, the window curtains were red. The light that came through was bright and still. There was a wooden rocking horse. It was a quiet place. I would go in there sometimes and just sit in the stillness of it. Still and blue and red.

My room was busy. Laura Ashley sheets. Laura Ashley curtains. Twin beds. Stuffed animals. Wooden dressers. A terrifying closet in the corner. A window by my bedside that opened, leading out to the large, wooden back deck.

When my sister was a baby I rolled her under the piano and she stopped moving. I thought I killed her. I was happy and scared. Then she started crying.

We used to dance in front of the big sliding glass window in what we called “The Game Room”, the kids room, where all of our toys lived. The Mother Goose. The books. The train set. The bird cage. The leather couch. The Nintendo. The movies. The Macintosh. On his good days my Dad loved to dance. MC Hammer, Michael Jackson. My mom hated it, she never joined in.

One night I was watching a movie from the top of a very tall stack of chairs. I was afraid of a cockroach.

My favorite babysitter let me have a Thin Mint in my bed. My mother found out and fired her. I never saw her again.

My elementary school held an auction every year. One year my parents won a movie night with my favorite teacher at her home. There were probably about five students who attended. Each of us received our favorite candy for a snack. I was given an entire bag of Starburst. I started bawling crying. I couldn’t believe the entire bag was just for me.

Fifth Grade World History. Ancient Egypt. Fascination. We each had a notebook and at the end of the year the notebook was graded. I was so proud of my notebook. I spent hours decorating each page with drawings and colors. It was a true work of art. When my grades came in I learned that I had received a ‘D’ in World History. My lowest grade. I started bawling crying. I told my teacher that she didn’t understand what my parents would do to me if I got a ‘D’. My mother acted like I was crazy when she met with my teacher.

My first kiss was with Johnny Schroepfer. In the alleyway behind the honeysuckle covered fence. The kiss was part of a bet. If Johnny won his baseball game, he would kiss me, and if the other team won, I would kiss him. His team one. I closed my eyes. His lips were cold.

Notes. The social currency of elementary school. It was all about the notes. I was always writing notes. On paper, and on the bottom of my Saddle Oxfords. My Saddle Oxfords were covered in notes.

After exchanging love notes with all the boys I deemed acceptable (who were all friends, of course) they decided to turn against me and started calling me a dog. They barked at me in the hallway. The girls joined in, too

In the sixth grade I was caught cheating on a science test. I had an ‘A’ test and used a stolen ‘C’ key for my answers. There was no excuse, no way of explaining my way out of it.

My parents decided to send me to public school for seventh grade when I had only two years left with my friends I had been with since kindergarten. The kids all pitied me and thought it was because I was poor. I barely spoke to my mother all summer.