center stage

I was never the loud girl in school. I was never the prettiest or the smartest - the funniest nor the bravest. I was quiet, and I tried to be as kind as I could to everyone and I cared deeply for my small group of friends. I was never the first to speak or the loudest to speak - I wasn't always the one who reached out to make plans, but I always showed up. I never wanted to be the center of attention - it terrified me and made my cheeks feel red-hot and my palms sweat. I didn't want to be expected to have the perfect answer or a funny joke, because I was never ready with either. I liked to have my words thought out in my head, rehearsed at least three times, before another soul would even be lucky enough to hear my final draft. Words are hard - at least the spoken-out loud ones - writing, however, comes much more naturally to me. Writing is often the second way we think of words, but I believe there are actually many other ways in which we see, hear or feel words, and I do actually have a favorite - a favorite, that doesn't involve speaking at all.

Words are constructed of letters - letters each with their own sound and inflection, some harder than others. Words can be short or long, complicated or simple. And they form sentences that can have either profound meaning or strictly are formed to get a simple point across. Now, if I took the word, "words", and replaced it with note, as in a music note, most of what I just said would still stand true. Notes, and music are much entwined with words. And before it becomes assumed I am some prodigal musician and that is my bravery, that is my where I'm loud and that's my story - I will get right to my story. I am a dancer. So, the prodigal musician, wherever they are out there, they play for me.

I have danced since I was eight or so. I started with hip-hop and break dancing classes, which was odd considering most young dancers often start with something soft like ballet, but I guess that just wasn't my style. For my whole life, I have known dance and I have had dance. Whether it was in a small studio, with scuffed-up wooden floors and walls plastered with smudged mirrors or in the confines of my small carpeted bedroom, I found a place to dance, and I have danced every day of my life. I danced in the rain before a middle school dance when I found out my crush was going to the dance (and had promised me a slow dance). I danced for my grandparents on their 50th anniversary. I danced for dozens of recitals and shows in front of dozens and eventually hundreds of people. And never once was I scared, but I did feel loud. And the best time I felt loud and felt brave and the most me was when I performed in front of my entire high school.

I guess it felt big because it was all of these people who, most of them, didn't really know me. I was a quiet girl, doing my best to get along with everyone and do what I should to do well and be happy. I never did anything to stand out. And then one day, I was in the middle of the gymnasium floor with 5 or 6 of my other classmates, about to perform a dance, that I had choreographed, for 500 of my other fellow classmates. I did this for three years in a row. I willingly chose to get out there, to be seen, to dance on center stage, or court I guess I should say, and dance my very loud heart out. It may not seem like much to some people, and hey, for me, high school was definitely not my favorite. But I remember those days, once a year, where I was brave and got to share what I loved with my entire school . And I didn't have to speak or have a funny joke or do anything profound or crazy. I just had to do what I had learned to do my whole life, in mirrored rooms and on bedroom floors, and just do it in front of a huge crowd - a crowd of the most judgemental type of people on earth, might I add. I felt brave and proud every single time I did it, and it meant the world to me I got to share a piece of my words and my communication.

Because words aren't always spoken - they aren't always said in stutters or shouts, in whispers or screams. Words are thought, maybe rehearsed half a dozen times. They are sung, they are read, they are cherished and they are danced to. They are taken and crafted into beautiful love songs and then twisted and sunken into the saddest song ever written. Words are everywhere we are - they, are center stage.