Can We Talk?

I couldn’t figure it out. While we were dating, John and I shared like mad. He was a wonderful listener, patient and caring. Neither of us had been so open with anyone else before and a deep bond formed between us. I was certain we were totally like-minded even before we reached the altar.

With John, I felt completed and I carried this sense of oneness with me into the marriage. But, romantic notions of absolute unity can soon ran smack dab into a brick wall of annoying habits and disparate thinking patterns.

It irked me that John dropped his clothes on the bedroom floor instead of putting them on a chair or in the laundry hamper. When I asked him why he did it, he just shrugged and walked away. For him, tried and true habits were not open for debate.

John’s idea seemed to be that of avoidance so, while he steadfastly ignored the little annoyances that cropped up between us on a regular basis, presumably hoping they would resolve themselves, I was silently despairing of the kind of relational happiness I had always dreamed of.

I wasn’t satisfied with living with unresolved issues, no matter how small because it’s always the little things that accumulate and grow to unmanageable proportions in a marriage.

“Can we talk?” is a baffling question for many couples. For some, talking means seeing who can yell the loudest. Others try a surly silence. (There! That’ll fix ‘em!) I decided that the answer must lie somewhere in between.

I wasn’t satisfied living with unresolved issues, no matter how small, but didn’t want to make things worse by pressing my point. I needed to solve the mystery of whether John and I could talk in the context of our new life together and discovered that a number of culprits often get between two people trying to make a true communication connection.

Anger – The Mouth Trap

Bang! A couple of words fired off in anger and communication is just another lifeless body in the library. Anger is, more often than not, the first weapon we reach for when we want to be heard.

Anger wants me to believe that yelling will help me to get my point across, but sharp tongues at ten paces only shred what’s left of loving feelings and replaces then with a spirit of competition that’s not useful in solving problems.

We all know that anger begets anger, but we’re an emotional lot, we humans and, despite the saner suggestion of Proverbs 15:1 that “...a gentle answer turns away wrath,” some of the questions we face every day with our spouse often result in less favourable reactions.

So, what’s the answer? First, I need to give my partner the benefit of the doubt. I should never assume that John is spoiling for a fight just because he refuses to talk to me.

I reasoned that there must be a way to make a connection between the male, “if I ignore it, it will go away,” and the female, “but I need to talk now!”

Second, when John and I became irritated with each other, I recognized that, in order to break the impasse, one of us had to be willing to be the first to say, “I’m sorry, I blew it.”

When one of us apologized, the other felt able to say they were sorry, too. After that, we were able to look for calmer, non-threatening ways to solve the problem de jour.

“John, I love you very much, but this really bothers me. Do you think I’m being unreasonable because I don't want to have to pick your clothes up off the floor? Being a sensible man, John couldn’t claim that I was being unduly fussy and started to put his clothes in the appropriate place.

Nagging – The Mouth Trap, Part II

Nagging, especially by those we love, is not a trial many of us will suffer with grace. Yet, like anger, it is often employed by those who don't realize the damage it causes to relationships.

It's poison to true communication because it assumes that your mate doesn’t know what needs to be done, won’t do something unless you are forceful and persistent and that your spouse can be manipulated with impunity.

This is a dangerous notion because people tend to distance themselves from those who continually harass them. Not the ideal situation in marriage.

When it came to household chores, John’s motto was always, “If it’s not broken, don’t fix it. If it is broken, buy a new one.” I came to realize that my husband was more at home working at a computer keyboard than a carpenter’s bench and learned to respect that.

Dr. James Dobson is the author of “What Wives Wish Their Husband Knew About Women.” He suggests, “A good marriage is not one where perfection reigns, it is a relationship where a healthy perspective overlooks a multitude of ‘unresolvables’.”

Lack of Tact – The Mouth Trap, Part III

“Reckless words pierce like a sword…” Prov. 12:18(NIV) A man will stop sharing if his life is constantly being dissected and analysed.

As a young bride, I was fearful of making my opinions known to John for fear I'd anger him. While this is by no means the ideal situation, as I was trying to work up the courage to speak my mind, I learned to examine what I wanted to say from every angle.

I soon came to recognize the best ways to approach a subject without sounding pushy or critical. I would talk about myself: “It bothers me that we’ve been fighting.” Ask a question: “Do you think what I’m asking you to do is unreasonable?”

After examining my own motives, I might even agree with him: “I made a mistake and I’m sorry.” The importance of taking the time to think before we speak and of choosing our words carefully, can’t be stressed enough.

Lack of Unity – Divide and Conquer

Unity begins with like thinking, which begins with satisfying conversation, which happens in an atmosphere of love, acceptance, and open-mindedness.

Knowing that men often feel threatened when faced with discussing their own feelings, I began a campaign to prove to John that he could trust me with his feelings. I praised him at every likely opportunity (never insincerely) and looked for other ways to show him that I was on his side.

When he earned a promotion at work, I was genuinely happy for him. If he’d had a disagreement with a fellow employee, I was sympathetic and eager to listen.

Becoming willing to admit it when I’d made a mistake, thus making myself vulnerable to criticism, and apologizing, further opened the door of trust between us.

John began to feel that he could admit his own errors without the fear that I would criticize him or use the admission as ammunition against him at a later time during an unrelated argument.

Gradually, our understanding of each other expanded beyond the larger issues of faith and family to include things like individual habits and needs.

Insisting on Your Own Way – Lack of Teamwork

Our society is a competitive one. We compete for jobs; we compete for recognition and we compete in sports. But marriage is not a contest.

There’s no prize for being “right” all the time, but there is a penalty. Those who turn a relationship into a power struggle soon become frustrated, angry, and depressed, not necessarily in that order.

The end result is alienation and resentment for both parties. To be a winner in marriage, you must learn to treat problems as threats to your mutual happiness and not as personal affronts. Become a team working together, not against each other, to solve whatever issue is threatening your relationship.

It’s the issue that’s the enemy, not your spouse.

Denouement

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.” 1 Peter 3:8 NIV

True communication is the transmission of ideas, thoughts and knowledge. With honest communication comes a basis for understanding and with understanding comes unity of thought.

Can we talk? John and I discovered we could converse in a calm and logical manner and solve problems by working as a team - with each other, rather than against each other.

You can too.