Can we please stop demonising lack of attraction?

I want to talk about something I'm feeling really passionate about in my mid-forties, following twenty-five years of dating and relationship experiences; physical attraction, and the traditional idea of monogamy. Also what I observe from other people's marriages, relationships, and needs.

I long ago started to realise that many people in long-term relationships, have two lots of needs; the needs they share with their partner, and the needs they can only be honest about with other people.

I'm really romantic. Relationships, when they didn't work out, could have crushed my spirit many times over. Often, I wanted to die, because my attempts to follow the established definitions of love left me feeling lonely, resentful and angry. I've always tried to have monogamous relationships, and 'escalate them,' i.e. you fall in love, move in together, and aim to have all the things you want and need romantically, with that ONE person, FOREVER.

But it didn't work. And I always blamed myself, thought I was weird, too complex, too changeable. I felt like a failure. I went from co-dependent to hyper-independent, to having micro-affairs to get my needs met, and finally, to being honest and open about what I needed. I learnt that most people don't like too much honesty, but also, they won't tolerate deception. So where's that sweet spot of respecting not only the relationship and your partner's feelings, but also respecting yourself?

It's only very recently I went through the huge structural and emotional mindset change of realising that I am not naturally monogamous. Especially after going through the traumatic experience several times over of a relationship being 'perfect' UNTIL I moved in with someone, and suddenly them taking me for granted and becoming a boring old fart. It's not what I wanted.

I thought that love would 'fix' me, make me complete and content. Turns out I was able to 'fix' most of my own stuff. I got the therapy, read the books, understand the psychology of my quirks and my unpredictable needs. But. We all need love! We all need to feel safe, to be accepted, to be ourselves, and to feel desired. And I've realised - that is just not possible for all of us, not with the same person anyway.

So, my big question is: why do we demonise a lack of, or changes in attraction in long-term relationships? We can still love someone, like them, enjoy living with them even. But we just may not feel physically attracted to them anymore.

Does that mean you should automatically break up, and probably start the whole journey again with somebody else?

Not necessarily.

Why is it society, popular culture etc, normalises lying to your wife (if we follow the most common stereotype, particularly in 1970s sitcoms) and chasing others to fulfil our physical desires? Why is a marriage almost expected to be sexless eventually? And why is it expected that one person should go without having their physical needs met?

Why can't we normalise being open and honest about our needs, whilst still retaining respect and kindness with a partner? I think over half of all marriages ends, and most of these will involve an affair. I wonder how many of these marriages could have been healthier somehow, if the frustrated partner had been able to speak honestly about what they needed at some point, instead of deceiving and breaking the partner's heart?

From what I've heard far too many times, the frustrated, lonely party simply cannot talk to the other party. There is fear involved, guilt maybe. And sometimes the other person just doesn't want to hear it.

Personally, if the person I was with had no attraction to me anymore, I couldn't date them. And if we loved living together or everything else was wonderful, I wouldn't mind them getting their needs elsewhere. I would much rather that than be lied to about an affair. But I'm unusual I think for a woman.

It's fascinating reading about the history of royal mistresses; concubines, etc, whom the men of status went to bed with, but were separate from the wife. At least in these societies there was a weird honesty about this. I wonder how the wives felt though, or maybe it was a relief for them? Maybe they were having affairs too?

No relationship is perfect. I'm not saying open relationships are for everyone. But if over half of marriages 'fail,' where's the harm in trying something different; something more honest, authentic, and realistic? Especially when there are a lot of miserable, lonely people out there.

I have much more love in my heart and in my life, since shedding unhealthy co-dependent mindsets. I give love because I want to, not because I am obliged to. Obligation can be the kiss of death for passion, attraction, and romance. And just because a romantic relationship did not work, it does not mean you can't still be in each other's lives, offering support and companionship.

I am very much embracing creating my own little corner of the world where honesty, autonomy and affection are embraced, instead of expectation, boredom and deception.

I feel like ME - finally.

Love to all X

NB: I've wanted yo write about this topic for a while. I hope readers won't take offence if you disagree with my thoughts. That's all they are - thoughts, feelings. Merely a suggestion that honesty between people who are capable of it is far better than deception any day.