Broken Friendships

It is okay to forgive and not be their friend anymore. That is what my counselor told me at my last counseling session.

I have struggled for a very long time with not knowing the difference between forgiveness and mending. Healing and letting go and moving on without still feeling obligated. It is a weird place to be in. It is a limbo effect, kind of. If you have ever had that bond with someone that just sort of fit, just like the perfect shoe, and you do everything to save it... you use glue, duct tape, and it still manages to come apart every time for reasons beyond your control, then you know what I am talking about.

This has happened to me. It was like I found the most perfect black and white pair of converse. I wore them all the time. They had wear and tear. water damage, and I just kept patching them up until I couldn't patch them anymore. I have finally realized that I need to just let the water start seeping out of them, and I'm not gonna lie, it sucks.

To lose a friend. Sucks. To lose someone you planned a life with. Sucks. They say that a friend breakup is equivalent to a romantic breakup, and that is so very true. It feels like your heart is broken, a bit shattered, especially when you were the one trying so dang hard to keep it together. You put everything into the relationship time and time again. You gave it life. Only for that life to turn breathless at every turn.

But the thing is, you cannot make someone treat you a certain way.

You cannot expect things from people that don't expect these things of themselves.

You cannot value someone more than they value themselves.

This is the bummer of it all.

No matter what you do sometimes it will never be enough.

So then,

when will you value yourself enough to step away from this imbalanced relationship that you have created and entertained for far too long?

When will you break your own heart, forgive, and let go?

This, is where I am.

This, is where I will be for a while.

Because you see, I loved my friend.

It was almost romantically.

I mean we had planned a life together...

Her and I...

Devoted,

But imbalanced.

Cherished,

But imbalanced.

We loved each other...

But that does not mean we were meant to last.

Such a hard truth and yet, such a valuable lesson.

So now the grieving and forgiveness aspect.

Forgiveness does not mean tolerate.

Forgiveness does not mean to put up with and devalue yourself.

I always say that if it does not bring you peace then it is not worth having in your life, and it works.

That saying, and constantly reminding myself of that, has brought me so much happiness, but with happiness you must lose things that maybe, at one point in your life, brought you joy. This, also, refers to the great word Growth.

I hope you read this and know that it's okay to grieve, to let go of people, to start over, to end and mend relationships, whether they are romantic or not. That it is okay to set boundaries and to walk away from people and things that do not serve you, or rather, do not bring you peace. This is all apart of life and a greater plan for your life and where you are needed to go, and who you are being molded into, the greatest version of you.

The longer you hold onto things that do not serve you the longer you will stay idle, mad, confused, and like your lost in your own life. Too much cluster can do that to us. So let's learn how to let go, and the act of true forgiveness.