Bikinis, Hair Dye, Paint, and Depression.

While attempting to recall some of the various instagram products I purchased over the course of this 104 degree, fever-dream of a year, I had a difficult time recalling any of them. Not because I showed any kind of restraint when it came to my social media spending, (I truly did no such thing and it #haunts me ;)), rather, because I bought SO much SO randomly. At least, that’s what I thought. I decided to take a look at my spending history over the last 12 months to try and get a sense of what I was ordering off Instagram, and when. Diving into my Wells Fargo app to assess a years worth of financial damage remains to be one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. Yet to my great surprise, it turned into an incredible exercise of self-reflection. I came to realize that my purchases were much less random than I thought. Most of my social media spending spikes occurred during the most difficult stretches of this year. They were an easy, feel-good, burst of serotonin that would give me something to look forward to. Now let me be clear, I’m not knocking all social media spending. That would be entirely unfair. You see, my Instagram purchases were ultimately what led me to discover a skillset I never knew I had, and that skillset has turned into a steady source of income.

I could just come right out and tell you what product lead me to where I am now, but…. that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun. So instead, I’ll take you through a quick journey of the products I gave into. As I mentioned, there was a LOT of Instagram spending, so I will spare you the details of every crop top and green juice purchased that I prayed would cure my depression. Turns out I just needed a psychiatrist. Who knew?! But enough about my brain! Let us begin.

APRIL:

Bathing suits from Nasty Gal. This was in my “pissed that I can’t go to pool parties” phase. Gonna go ahead and give this purchase a big fat 3/10. They look cute on, but you’d better pray a big gust of wind doesn’t come rolling through because that thing will abandon your ass in a 0.000007 seconds, leaving you in a naked state of shock as your neighbors desperately attempt to avert their eyes (yes that happened and no I’m not over it).

MAY:

The Occulus Quest VR Headset. Not gonna lie, this was a PRETTY solid get. As someone who’s brain ceases to function the second she attempts to play a video game, this product was never on my radar. But after learning there were VR boxing games, my fiancé and I deemed it a worthy purchase. I had lost any semblance of a normal exercise routine, so the idea of putting a spaceship visor on my head and working out in Mars sounded nice. That being said, I boxed no more than 10 times total, and instead, became fully addicted to killing zombies. Seriously. It’s all I thought about. When I closed my eyes at night, I would see them coming at me and strategize for the next day. Closest I came to feeling like a 13 year old boy drinking monster in his basement and shouting at his mom for more pizza rolls. Beat all the levels in a month. Now I never use it. Still slapping a 10/10 on this puppy.

MAY AGAIN:

Kristen Ess temporary rose gold hair tint. Ah yes. The terrifying stretch of quarantine where every white girl said “I feel like doing something… crazy”, and proceeded to dye their hair a temporary pastel pink. Brave. This was something I picked up from a Tik Tok influencer who’s name is escaping me now. All you need to know is she’s roughly 17 years old, and hotter than I ever will be. Gotta say, this product is really fun. 7/10 star review. It truly only stays in for about 4 washes, which I saw as a plus and a minus. It’s almost too short of a time for it to be worth it, which is what led me to my next god awful, life-ruining, stupid, stupid, dumb as hell, why did I do this, purchase EVER.

MAY AGAIN AGAIN:

Splat semi-permanent turquoise hair dye. Am I allowed to give something a -5,000/10 review? THIS WAS BAD. BAD BAD BAD. BAD NEWS BEARS. WORST trash that has EVER touched my head. I was promised 8-12 weeks of light turquoise hair, but what I got was a head full of royal blue that gradually faded to the color of a swamp. And it would… not… wash… out. This color clung to my hair like that desperate friend you barely speak to from college who needs a place to crash for a “few weeks” and ends up on your couch for a full calendar year. I ended up going in to have the color stripped, which ended in a botched hair job that left my hair the color toothpaste, and resulted in having to cut off 10 inches of length.

MONTH UNKNOWN:

Face mask that…. looks like a panda? Couldn’t tell you when I bought this or what the product even is. Just know I saw it on Instagram one night when I was a few glasses of wine in and said I’LL TAKE IT. Mostly I just like this haunted photo. Felt like more people should see it. 10/10 sweetie, ur doin great.

JUNE:

Congratulations! You made it to the big reveal. Yes my friends. We have arrived in June, the month of *drumroll please*.... Paint By Numbers!! Now, when I say I got this in June, I really mean that I ordered it in March and it took 3 months to arrive. Wasn’t too thrilled about that wait, but given the fact that COVID made shipping products hell on earth for most businesses, (exempting Amazon and that sneaky, sneaky Jeff Bezos), I won’t dock points. For those of you who don’t know, Paint By Numbers is pretty much exactly what it sounds like. You receive a canvas with an already outlined picture, numbered in accordance with the paint they send. I ordered two separate canvases. The first one was a really lovely experience. It was almost meditative. I would turn on my relaxing murder podcasts, and slowly but surely add to the painting until the final product truly did look like a work of art.

The second one was not as pleasant. On the paint by numbers website, they explain that there is a wide array of products that fall into an either beginner, intermediate, or expert category. I was feeling cocky, so I decided to order one that was supposed to become an ethereal looking reindeer in the middle of the forest. Did they say it was an expert level paint by numbers? Yes. Did I listen? No. Do I regret it? Yeah for sure. I have no clue how ANY human being could complete this thing. I gave up after two weeks and threw it in the trash. But this irritating experience is the very thing I have to thank for where I am today.

JULY-NOW:

I knew I wanted to continue on with some kind of an artistic hobby, but I was not about to wait another 3 months for more numbered canvases. I had attempted to paint on my own before, but I just didn’t quite have the knack for it. So I spent some time looking into artistic methods that popped out at me. It was in this search that I discovered pastels. I follow an artist on instagram who uses pastel chalks. His name is Noel Fielding, and if you watch GBBO religiously like me, you’re familiar with him as well. I was incredibly drawn to his art. So I ordered a set of clunky pastels, and began playing. And playing is exactly what it felt like. The more I messed around with them, the more I realized that I had a natural talent I was completely unaware of. I made mistakes, and kept going. I made things that I thought were “as good as I was going to get”, but I kept getting better. Slowly but surely, drawing became a real skillset. It wasn’t until I posted a picture to Instagram of a drawing I had done of my friends dog, that things really started to take off.

I started getting flooded with requests to commission pet portraits. I have been booked solid since November 2020. So while this piece isn’t necessarily a ringing endorsement for Instagram ads, it is, I suppose, a commentary on the strange nature of life and hardships. So many of us have spent the last year trying to fill these holes that have been poked into our metaphorical life-boat. We often times do this with purchases. It rarely is the product itself that fixes an uncomfortable situation, or mental health on the fritz. Rather, it is what those purchases, conversations, or experiences, lead you to. I’m not sure that I believe in the whole, “everything happens for a reason”, line of thinking. But looking back on my life, it’s hard not to say every minute, insignificant, decision, didn't lead somewhere. I hope those of us who were lucky enough to survive the last 12 months are able to look back and feel the same way.