Believing In Myself

I am a Leo - August 4th.

While I don’t subscribe to star signs and their influences on my personality and how I live my life, I have noticed a few quirks that do align with me. But only a few.

Most people, when they hear that I’m a Leo, are confused. I’m not loud or attention-seeking. Honesty, if I had my way, I wouldn’t have any attention at all except from those who love me. While I enjoyed being on stage, it wasn’t for the attention; it was for the thrill and achievement of performing.

So when it came to having self-assurance and confidence in myself, I struggled.

My dream career of being a published author was just that for a long time - a dream. It wasn’t until the past year that I really, truly began to believe that I could make that dream a reality.

My friends and family, the only people who read my work at first, were complimentary. But I always told myself that it was what they were supposed to do.

One of my proudest moments was when I started telling a friend a dream of mine. The dream ended, but I was enjoying the story so much (as was she), that I decided to just keep going, making it up as I went. When I finished and told her that I’d made it all up on the spot, she was amazed. I found myself telling a slightly different version to our other friends that same night at dinner, and they were just as amazed. That was the day that I really started to believe in my abilities as a storyteller.

When I was in college, I got the courage to submit one of my short stories to something called “Fourth Fridays.” The fourth Friday of every month was a themed night - short stories, poetry, etc - where community members would gather at the community theatre and share their stories to get feedback. I knew some of them, and one of them was (and still is) the theatre’s resident playwright.

They were all kind since it was my first time, though they did provide great feedback and suggestions. But what surprised me was the deeper themes and analysis that they pulled from my story. A couple of themes I had intended, but others were hidden there that I didn’t realize I’d written.

That was the moment that I realized that people who weren’t close to me could read my work and enjoy it. It was an insane boost to my confidence when I discovered that I had the skill to create engaging writing that would lend itself to analysis. Even though there were lots of constructive suggestions, there were also a lot of solid observations.

I took a break from creating longer works while I was in college; I let theatre be my creative outlet while I focused on my studies.

After college, I attempted to release a novel without getting outside feedback on it. And it went..badly.

It really damaged my confidence. While I still wanted to publish, I was hesitant to put my work out there again. So I continued writing, getting feedback from two of my more critical friends and making tweaks.

I cautiously began querying, sending out blurbs and inquiries to publishers and agents to publish my book. I was prepared for a measure of rejection, since I’d heard that querying was “a marathon, not a race.” But it was hard getting rejections or no reply at all over months of work. Finally, after nearly a year, one agent gave me feedback on my query which was helpful.

I began doing research and learned what a beta reader was - someone who reads your work before you move on to publishing and gives you feedback. My first attempt at this was paying people to read it - a bad idea, I realized, when my feedback was overwhelmingly positive with little to no criticism.

When I joined TikTok, I reached out for beta readers there and got a completely different reaction - not one of my volunteer readers finished the novel. I did, however, get a lot of constructive criticism that I’m currently using to restructure that novel.

After that feedback I decided to table that project, instead focusing on another that showed a lot of promise.

After a year of writing, I had a novel that I was incredibly proud of. I decided to start the process again, reaching out on TikTok for beta readers. This time, most of my readers finished it. Though they had a lot of feedback, they were also incredibly positive. This was the moment where my confidence was rekindled, and I thought that maybe, just maybe, I could do this.

It was through TikTok that I learned more about the world of self-publishing and started seriously thinking about next steps. With a novel that I was sure would connect with people - it did with my beta readers, after all - I decided that I would self publish.

I set to the task with a will, incorporating their feedback and tweaking things that I noticed. I was emboldened even more when I found foreshadowing and clever dialogue. After a year of revisions, I felt ready to take the next step. I’ve hired an editor who has been hard at work, and soon I’ll have it back for the last round of revisions. I’ve started thinking about marketing strategies, cover artists, and distribution.

Though the exact date isn’t set in stone yet, I know that I’m publishing Awakening this year. It took time to get my confidence in my writing back, but now that I have it, it’s here with a vengeance.

And the Leo in me is positively preening.