Beggar's Choice

We are allowed to pick two items that weren’t essential. Most of the boys went for the old Gameboys with no games or almost flat basketballs. All the good stuff was gone if there was any good stuff to start with. I rooted through trying to find anything that I could use to entertain myself for a few hours before it was taken by one of the other boys. Finally, I managed to find a little black notebook and a pack of pencils with girly-looking frogs on it. ‘Beggars can’t be choosers’ I could hear my ex-foster mom saying with a pointed finger. If I had a penny for each time I heard that…

I sat against the wall to wait for the others. Maybe I could write to my friend in my old neighborhood, maybe I could explain why I just stopped showing up to our meeting spot. I flipped through the slightly worn notebook, most of the pages were blank except, a page close to the beginning. It was a list of signatures. I inspected it again and found on the first page:

In case of loss, please return to:

Miss J. Hessing

646 Reginald Blvd.

Millville, NJ 08332

Reward: To be Determined

I stuck out my leg to stop a Helper’s Aid that was walking by “Do you know who donated all this?”

She shrugged, “The truck gathers donations from churches all around town.” I drew my leg back in and she went back to what she was doing. I flipped through the book again. What could be so special about these signatures? Could they be from famous people? I couldn’t recognize any of the names but we don’t get to watch a lot of TV besides old reruns. What would make these signatures so valuable that it would require a reward? A ‘To be determined’ reward… What if it's for... “A brand new car!” a flash of the Price is Right overtook my mind with a loving family on the side cheering me on. My smile quickly dropped and I shook my head, I’ve got to quit thinking like this.

We loaded back onto the van and I plopped down in my usual seat. The others were excitedly showing the driver the things they got. One boy got a broken robot that was now being pulled at by three sides, it never even had a chance before we heard the snap. I tried to drown them out and looked out the window, letting my mind fill with reward possibilities. I know in the end it will not go as I hope, nothing ever does. I have dealt with so many disappointments because I let my mind wander. For now, before I return to the shared room with the stiff beds, before we go to eat another meal of mac and peas I’ll let myself think of shopping sprees and sweet treats.

The following Wednesday our ‘Big Brothers’ came, they would teach us guitar or take us to the movies if you were lucky. Some of these guys are actually good people and they want to be there. Some guys are using us to get dates. My guy is here for community service hours. ‘Beggars can’t be choosers’ I guess his hours were done because he didn’t show up. Which was very unfortunate because I was going to ask him to take me to Reginald Boulevard. I was paired with another boy and his ‘Big Brother’, they looked slightly disappointed because they had to change their plans. They decided that we would go to the park and he could show us how he throws the ball 75 mph. I recommended a park in Millville because their baseball fields were barely used. After he searched the nearest one on his phone only 6 miles away, well within the 10-mile limit they have to abide by. I prayed that it would be close to Miss J. Hessing’s house. The boy talked to his Big brother the whole drive with no pause to cut in, I might as well not even be there. I watched the street signs pass by the window hoping that one of them would be Reginald Blvd. We got to the park and we couldn’t use the field yet and a little league game just started. The boy named Joseph was annoyed that I suggested this place. We sat on the bleachers next to the screaming parents and watched the confused little kids try to hit the ball. It was a lot for me to take. “I’m going to go to the bathroom, it might be awhile if you know what I mean.” I touched my stomach to get my point across. As I was walking I looked over my shoulder, they weren’t paying any attention to me, Joseph’s talking was enough distraction. I started running, no one was following me, but I wanted to make sure that I was far away before they noticed I was gone. It would be easy for me to find my way back to the group home, all I would have to do is find a police station, but what if I didn’t go back? Back to being controlled, back to never having anything of my own. What if someone stops me on the side of the road and offers me a ride? What if they talk to me and get to know me and decide to adopt me? I shook my head. I've really got to stop thinking like this. It still didn’t stop me from looking in the window of every car that slowed down to go around me.

Finally, a gas station was in sight, I stopped and tried to catch my breath. I am so thirsty. How long was I running? Was it three miles or ten? I went in trying not to notice the colorful slushies. “Can you tell me... how to get to Reginald Boulevard?” I huffed to the cashier. He pointed to a rack of maps then he started to help the person behind me. I found one that said New Jersey but I could not make much sense of it. We must have learned map reading in school on one of the days my mom would ‘go to work’ and lock me in the apartment. I went back to the cashier “Where are we?”

He took a second to look around then pointed a finger “Somewhere around here”. I kept my finger where his was and stepped out of line I didn’t notice the person behind me looking over my shoulder.

“Where are you heading?” a man’s voice asked.

“Reginald Boulevard...” I turned around to see the last person I wanted to see. A cop.

I put the map against my chest. Does he know? Is he looking for me?

“That’s just a few miles from here, I can give you a ride.” He put his pack of cigarettes in his front pocket.

I unblinkingly nodded my head and put the map back. I gave the cashier a quick glance, but he was busy with other customers.

“How old are you?” He held the front door open for me to get in the car. I was thankful it was not the back.

I coughed still parched from my run. “I’m 14 err almost 15” I lied. He talked to the radio on his shoulder. He definitely knows. I looked out the window again trying to avoid more questions. I imagined that he was taking me back to the group home, where I would be in big trouble. I haven’t gotten in much trouble before, but I have known others who left and I never saw them again.

The cop turned opposite from where I came, and I looked over at him questionably. This was a bad move.

“So what grade are you in?”

“8th grade” I mumbled.

“Hmm. My daughter is in 6th. What school do you go to?”

I decided not to lie to him any more than I had to. I was having a hard time not spilling my guts to him. “Archer Middle.”

“What’s on Reginald Boulevard?”

I looked down trying not to look him in the eyes, “My... Aunt... I spent my bus money on comics so I decided to walk.” My feet were itching to be out of his car.

“It’s dangerous to be out walking about at your age, it’s not like how it used to be.” I gave him a “Yes sir” and the rest of the ride was quiet. We arrived at 646 Reginald Boulevard and I quickly thanked him and popped out of the car. Unfortunately, he decided to get out and escort me to the front door. He knocked, my heart was thumping hard, I am sure he could hear it. A nurse answered the door and slowly following behind her was a hunched-over old lady, they looked at me and the cop questionably. I pulled out the notebook and exclaimed “Auntie J, I accidentally picked up your notebook. Mom told me to return it to you and see how you were doing?” I stared at her pleadingly.

The old lady squinted at me then smiled “Come in. Law’rd it looks like you could drink a whole lake. Hope he wasn’t any trouble officer.” As I stepped in I looked back at the cop who nodded and headed back to his car. The old woman offered me a cup of cold water, I gulped it down as slow as I could, she was eyeing me suspiciously.

“How did you find my notebook? Did you steal it?” She lifted up her cane as she was preparing to strike.

“No ma'am” I breathed. “It was donated.”

“Ha! I knew they were taking my things. They say I can’t take all my stuff with me when I go to a retirement home. I say I am perfectly capable of living here just like I have been.” She shook her head. “I don’t want people to tell me what to do all the time. You're young, surely you know a thing or two about that.”

“Yes, I do.” I agreed.

She told me to sit and she pushed a plate of cookies over to me. I took a big bite out of one and I asked about the reward.

“You're eating it.” she grinned. My heart sank but the cookies did help, I only had cookies around holidays they didn’t like us sugared up at the home. Then I asked about the signatures. She told me they were here friends signatures that she met over the years, artists, writers, athletes. She said she always thought that one of them would be famous one day.

We talked until the sun went down. The night shift nurse came to switch with the other who had been quietly listening in the next room, she offered me a ride back. I said goodbye and thanked her, and prepared myself for the return where I would be in trouble, at least I have a couple of cookies saved to help me get through it.

The following Wednesday I was surprised to see the same nurse, she came to pick me up to visit Mrs. Jay. She came every Wednesday for the next couple of years. I have wonderful memories, she was better than any other Big Brother or mentor I ever had. Mrs. J taught me about music and how to talk to girls or “ladies” rather, and she was always patient with me. In return, I would mow her lawn or wash her car, and I always listened to her adventure stories from when she was younger. After she died, the nurse came for the last time and she handed me an envelope. It had a check for $20,000 and a note that read:

“Now that you are not a beggar, what will you choose?”