Before You Get Married

My blog entries are always based around two outlets of information. The first being what I have learnt from the likes of other motivational speakers and personal development training courses, whilst the second outlet of information is based on personal experience. Both are equally important in being able to help, motivate, and support, others in their respective journeys in life, whilst assisting them to better control their mindset, emotional control, and thought process. I make it a daily priority to engage in personal development, which includes watching short motivational videos, and lately I have come across so many clips in which I have resonated with, because I have experienced those emotions, feelings, thoughts, and circumstances, that were portrayed in the scenes by the various actors and actresses. What I talk about today is a very sensitive issue for me, because it revolves around what has been the driving factor behind the adversity and depression I have been dealing with, over these past couple of months. Irrespective of the emotions and feelings I am dealing with currently, I believe today's topic is so important for people to absorb the information, plus gain a bit more understanding into dealing with the mental side of relationships and marriage. This one particular short video I watched the other day indeed revolved around weddings and marriage, and it had me thinking about the high number of people who marry for the wrong reasons, or at least do so without a decent comprehension of what marriage is all about.

As time passes, it's so common for couples to start growing at different speeds, or their individual life direction changes, or their individual ambitions change, compared to what it was when they first started dating. When we are first attracted to someone, we try our hardest to win them over, as it were. We often become unnatural versions of ourselves, we do things we wouldn't normally do, we act in a way we normally wouldn't act, we behave in a way we normally wouldn't behave, and we say things we normally wouldn't say, all with the aim of getting them to like us. It's like we get excited and motivated about the chase of winning that person over, so we can ultimately then enter into a relationship with them. Once we enter into that relationship, it's like we find ourselves in this little "honeymoon" period where we continually tell them how much we love them, how much we miss them, and we do all those soppy and mushy things that new couples often do. Our partner soon becomes our best friend. We find ourselves doing just about everything with them, and we cherish each moment in their company. The sex side of things is often at its finest also. That next 1 to 3 year period is all about getting to know eachother, as we start learning about one another's interests, and one another habits. The relationship is great, and we naturally start to believe that they are the person we want to marry, and spend the rest of our lives with. As we have been living together, enjoying one another's company, having fun, and getting along as best friends, for a couple of years or so, marriage seems like the obvious thing to do, so we take the plunge. The thought of a wedding excites many people, as they get to be the center of attention for a day, and they get to enjoy all the festivities, fun, and celebration that comes with it, and quite often, many couples find themselves focusing all about the wedding, that they completely overlook the responsibility, commitment, loyalty, trust, honesty, true love, and dedication, that follows it for many years thereafter.

It's no surprise that pretty much half the number of marriages end in divorce nowadays. Too many of us fail to focus on the important aspects of marriage, as we are sidetracked by all the times we have enjoyed with our partner prior to the wedding, or even the wedding itself. Even after 1, 2, 3, even 5 years of being in a relationship with someone, we still don't take the opportunity to discuss one another's goals, values, expectations, and priorities, with eachother, and this is what becomes a problem. This is why so many couples believe they "start to grow apart", or "the other person changed", when that's not necessarily the case at all. It could just be that the other person is actually being their true self, or they've returned to their original values, or they are focusing on achieving their goals. Because it doesn't fit our personal agenda, or it possibly inconveniences us, we become agitated and frustrated. We tend to place an unfair expectation on the person we marry, by placing our happiness in their hands. It's like our happiness totally depends on our wife or husband, when the truth is, we are personally responsible for our own happiness. I can't personally ever remember going to a wedding in which the vows include a promise to make their partner happy. Marriage is about moral support, unconditional love, trust, commitment, compromise, honor, and dedication. We are basically always there for our partner when in need, we are faithful to them, we are honest with them, we openly communicate with them, and we love them with all our heart.

The most successful marriages are those in which both partners find common ground, they openly communicate, they learn to compromise, they support eachother 100%, and they both contribute equally to the relationship. Our role as a husband or wife isn't to please our partner, nor should we expect that in return, it's about equally contributing to the relationship and always supporting our partner's decisions and actions, especially in which they are working towards what they want to achieve in life. When we support one another, we can each find happiness. Expectations are what costs many marriages. When a partner doesn't please us or make us happy, what do we do? We run, we want out, ultimately making the vows we made on the wedding day, in front of all our friends and family, mere lies. It's such a shame that so many people don't take their vows seriously. They are so caught up in the nervousness and excitement of the wedding, that they speak their vows, but without comprehending what they are actually saying and committing to.

Reverting back to this particular short video I watched, it was referring to the fact that many of us enter into marriage, not with a clear understanding of the hard work, effort, and ongoing commitment, that follows the "I do's", but rather we do it for the wedding day itself. We are so starry eyed about wearing that gorgeous dress, or that stylish suit, or getting to dance around and party at the reception, or even having the added bonus of getting away on a honeymoon thereafter, that we enter into the marriage itself without any clue about how to actually be that loving, devoted, faithful, and committed, husband or wife that we should be. As each day passes, the marriage unfortunately starts becoming more about "what's in this for me?", rather than "what's in this for us?" Because we focused all our attention on the wedding, just for the sake of being married, we find ourselves with someone, that even after so many years of being together with them, we truly don't know them, nor do we know their desires, values, and goals in life. That mushy, lovey dovey stuff that was once there, all disappears, and it all of a sudden becomes hard work. Many people don't see love as being something that you should have to work on, believing it should just come naturally, but this is not entirely the case. Falling in love is the easy part, but love itself, marriage, and relationships, they are no different to any other aspects in life, and they require ongoing attention and focus. You don't progress in your career by not working hard. You don't maintain good health by sitting idle on the couch snacking on chips and watching television. You don't reach your goals without lots of hard work, sacrifice, and commitment. Everything in life requires us to, not only work hard to achieve success and satisfaction, but to continue then working hard to continually improve and gain further success. As a couple, you need to constantly evolve together, understand where eachother is at in their life, grow together, and support one another.

In the words of motivational speaker Jay Shetty "we all want to have a marriage more beautiful than our wedding, but we invest the other way around". The question is, why do so many of us do that? The failure within a marriage doesn't come in the moment where couples separate, or when things total break down, it actually comes before they even get married. Because couples fail to communicate about eachother's goals and values, couples fail to discuss what they are each seeking in a marriage, because they fail to agree on boundaries and compromise, because they fail to clarify and extinguish expectations, and because they fail to truly get to know one another, all before the wedding day, they ultimately set their marriage up for failure. There is no rush to get married. It's best to take the extra time to truly get to know one another, and get conversing around what marriage would look like for one another, what eachother's true values are, and what one another's goals are. Discuss eachother's perception of marriage, to gain some clarity and understanding. Take it from me, it's far better to part ways with the person you have been in a relationship for several years, after discovering that they are not actually your true soulmate after all, prior to getting married, than discovering this some time after the wedding. Being on the receiving end of a marriage breakdown is one of the most painful experiences I have ever had to go through personally, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Be prepared to face times of adversity and challenge within a marriage, it happens to all couples, but communicate with one another, share your feelings, compromise, and use these times to build an even stronger bond with one another. So before you get married, make sure you are marrying this particular person for the commitment, love, trust, loyalty, honor and support, that all comes with marriage, and not just for the wedding itself.

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