Becoming an Orphan

Do not let anyone ever tell you, as you get older it gets easier, Thats just a bunch of malarky!

I was thinking the other day how strange it feels, both my parents passed away. My dad passed almost 12 years ago, we all new that it was going to happen as he had a lot of health issues. so, we had time to prepare for that dreadful day, trust me knowing its coming does not mean it's easier. I remember his death like it was yesterday, He died at home in a hospice bed in the living room, with his last breath he said I love you all and his life left him. it felt unreal, like a dream. I didn't want my dad to leave me, I was a daddy's girl. it took me two years before I could return to the gravesite, I did not want to feel the pain and loss again. then two years later I put my big girl pants on and cried like a baby without a bottle all the way to the gravesite, my sister held my hand and spoke to me some soft words. after my blubbering, a soft still voice within me said, you will always have him with you, his blood is your blood, and nothing can change that. Besides that, I look so much like my dad, and I have the same traits and health issues that I could never forget him. But I still miss him as much today as the day he left us.

Now my mother when she passed away Nobody was expecting it. it came so fast that I was in shock, I felt like i couldn't wake up from a dream, listen to the song I wrote and sang on the video down below I produced. It was a hard pill to swallow; the matriarch of the family being gone without a warning. I always remember the look on her face the night before, she was with me in my little convertible, she loved riding around in that car, I walked out of the store and could see her, it was like time froze while i kept walking and i saw every detail on her face, I am grateful for that moment every day. take a listen and I will continue after the video.

Well, I hoped you liked the song, it is my way of releasing my pains, I still feel even today. now moms gone and has been for a few years. I find myself still wanting to call her when I have a bad day, or when I am lonely, I can't explain the feeling of being alone in this world without a mom and dad, it's like getting an ice-cream cone without the ice-cream, all you have is the empty cone and it's not what you wanted but what was handed to you. feeling orphaned and alone has taken me down dark roads, I sometime look back over the past few years, I thank God mom had passed before Covid, she would not have survived the pandemic, she died from kidney failure due to diabetes. it came on fast and took her 2 days later. Her death would have been harder for everyone with hospital lock downs and no visitors aloud. at least I was able to be by her side the day she did pass away and say goodbye before she left. I think how hard it must be for the kids who have lost their folks when they were young, or the kids who are orphaned and grow up in our state systems without anyone, it brings tears to my eyes when I think how sad they must always feel. I lost my folks later in life and I have my memories of them.

I have brothers and sisters, after mom died, I have hardly seen them in the past three years. I reach out but everyone's so busy it's hard to connect, I am the only child who never had children in our family, so when my mom died, I really felt alone, sometimes still do. I cry inside still, I long for a connection with meaning with another human being that truly cares about me, the following video will explain my feelings a bit more i will return after to finish up my blog.

Well, another video and another day. I am grateful for my friends I do have, and I have come out of the dark to a light that guides me daily. I know that everything that happens in life has an outcome, if it's meant to or accidently accrues. We all learn something either way, me I am learning to love me again, not needing validated by mom or dad, just love me and what life brings me, or I create. So, from self-pity to sorrow, and a Gamit of other emotions, I am alive, and I am worth more than silver or gold or any one item I buy or gets taken, I am Me, and that's good enough. thank you for reading my little blog. Good night!