Becoming

Dear Reader,

Thank you— one of the two little magic words that have been fed to us since we could even barely speak. And for good reason too! For only now do I understand the power it truly holds.

You see, lately, there’d been a storm raging within me, engulfing all in its wake. And it’d been so tough for me to accept that I was struggling. Mainly because I’d been so rooted in my pursuit for perfection all my life that I naively thought that I needed to be perfect all the time. How did I not know that it was okay not to be okay?

It was okay —

to take a breath,

to not be able to help everyone,

to not be constantly enraged about the injustices of the world,

to disappoint once in a while.

Let me make it perfectly clear here that I was by no means perfect. I was painfully aware of that. It was this very struggle of trying to be perfect that was the problem.

Enraged. I was always so enraged.

The constant guilt and shame of not being enough, not doing enough, swallowed me whole.

For I couldn’t see then that it was okay to close my eyes, take a break and let my soul heal. For I had been hurting for too long. I had let the storm rage on for too long, not giving it the release it so dearly craved. I knew I was losing my grip, so I tightened my hold. Trying to tame when I should have let go.

I had to be better. The people around me had to be better. The world needed to be better.

Why weren’t they better? Why wasn’t I?

I started clinging to the sparing joys that came few and far between. I started getting anxious about the ridiculousness of my anxiety about happiness.

The pressure peaked to heights where I could no longer breathe.

Something had to change.

And it did. But it wasn’t me. For I was enough – a lesson I had learned the hard way. No, it wasn’t me that changed. It was my perspective.

Step one. Accept that I was not okay. Something in me had fundamentally changed when I battled a slew of chronic health issues in the past decade. I see now that I had given it the power over something it did not, could not ever have on its own – my mind. I kept harping on my problems, wallowing in self-pity and engaging in bouts of self-loathing. Getting bitter by the day…

I kept forcefully rejecting my problems instead of accepting healing.

When I realized this, I finally took off my opposite of rose-colored glasses and retaught myself to properly breathe. Not short, jagged, desperate breaths, but long, purposeful, calm ones; that nourished my being.

Miraculously enough, the physical ailments started withering away as I began breathing with purpose.

As my dark glasses came off, I finally saw – after a very long time – the people, the love, the support, the friendships I had been taking for granted. So, I said a long-overdue – THANK YOU.

This made my heart fill with the elusive joy I so craved. So I kept saying it –

to the warm glow of the sun that kissed my skin;

to the deep, blue, mesmerizing waters of Lake Michigan;

to my fantastic family who never stopped showering me with love even when I did;

to my love who kept holding my hands through it all;

and to my resilient self, who never gave up.

The storm settled. The clouds cleared. A radiant rainbow enveloped my skies. And I whispered again, “Thank you!”

As I take a deep breath, grateful for the fresh air, I’m finally at peace with myself. As joy fills my heart and appreciation fills my soul, I ruminate – being enraged about the multitudes of injustices, though sometimes important and unavoidable, maybe a tad overrated. So for now, I’m going to stick with gratitude, receive love with a gracious heart, and love with abandon. You should too!

Much love,

Sneha