Back of my heart

It’s been almost 13 years since the night we met. And I still remember it like it was yesterday. A chance meeting. A friend of a friend led me there. I almost didn’t go but got pushed by two friends there. I had recently broken up with someone who had kept me locked away for almost three years. I hadn’t been to a party in so long but I went. Walking into the party I was nervous and questioning why I even went and then I saw you. Like something from a fairytale or rom-com, a “meet cute” as they call it. From across the room our eyes met, I pointed you out to my friend and she dragged me over to you. From that moment we spent the rest of the party drinking and laughing. At its end my two friends, your two roommates and us went back to your house. We drank more and as they played guitar hero we made our upstairs, to your room. You picked me up against the wall and kissed me, your nose and lips ran up my neck and you told my my perfume drove you crazy. You told me I was beautiful. We spent hours in your room. You undressed me and yourself. We laid in your bed laughing, talking and kissing. You said you wouldn’t sleep with me that night because I wasn’t that type of girl. To prove to me that you respected me. You made me laugh, you made me feel happy and loved from the moment you spoke to me, touched me, kissed me. I remember leaving after the sun was up, giggling with my friends about you and how amazing I felt. How I couldn’t believe the way I felt. Then you broke me. The whirlwind of a romance didn’t last long. You told me you wanted to take me on your trip home to Alaska to meet your parents, to see where you grew up. I hesitated. And maybe that hesitation sparked what happened next. Not long after you got back I started seeing you less, you started lying. And then that same friend of a friend who brought us together told me you were “hooking up”, as she put it, with someone else. A someone else I knew. And I was crushed. My heart wasn’t just broken, it was shattered. I couldn’t believe it. You were the man I had always dreamed of. I thought this was it. This was perfect. But to you, I guess, I was just another girl, just another notch, soon to be a distant memory. You were in the Navy and soon after assigned to a different base out of state. You contacted me not long after leaving, you said that you were sorry, that you thought what you did would make it easier for me once you left. That hurting me, having me hate you would make it easier for me to let go. But you were wrong, it hurt worse. So much worse. And it didn’t change how I felt about you. I barely got to be with you and yet I still fell in love with you. A love I’ve never been able to let go of. A pain I’ve never been able to let go of. Over the years we talked periodically. After you I feel into a relationship with someone else, a someone else who lied to me, hurt me, manipulated me and tormented me. You blamed yourself, you told me it was your fault I was with him, if you hadn’t left me I wouldn’t have been with him, I would be with you. You got stationed in Italy and asked me to come see you. And I hesitated, again. Then you got married. You had two kids, a boy and a girl. I got in and out of abusive relationships with other people and myself. I fell into a drug addiction that tore my life apart. Then I got sober, I had two kids, two girls. But still in an abusive relationship. Still not happy. And I still think of that night, of you. How it made me feel, how it still makes me feel. How things could’ve been different if I hadn’t hesitated. If I’d let go of my past and gone to Alaska. If I’d let go of my pain, trusted you and gone to Italy. If things would’ve been different, if we’d still be together. Or maybe we were just destined to be a heart break. A distant memory of young love that died before it ever truly began. A dream of a life over written by reality. Whatever it was or could’ve been will always live in my heart. I don’t know if that love or pain will ever go away. I just know that after 13 years it’s still there. That first night is still there. A dream of a future where we meet again and get another chance is still there. And I wonder if I’m still there in your heart. If you ever think of me and what could’ve been. Maybe what could still be. DLG, named after your father. The Irish middle name I used to tease you about when you would make fun of my goofy laugh, the laugh you loved. Memories tucked away in my soul. Memories and a love I will never let go.