Are You Jealous in Relationships?

I was badly jealous in many of my relationships. I was cheated on early on in my dating life, so I knew the drill. I paid attention to messages, emails, phone calls, behavior, where he went, and with who. It was exhausting, and it was all unnecessary.

If you are experiencing jealousy in your relationships (past and present) chances are you have something in your past you must heal. The good news is with some self-care and attention you can heal and attract a healthy relationship that you can feel secure in.

How you react to jealous thoughts sets the stage for everything else

Anyone can feel jealous. In friendships or romantic relationships, it's normal to feel jealousy from time to time. It's how we respond to jealousy that makes the difference. People who have a healthy connection with themselves will let jealous thoughts pass by. Others, who are insecure and wounded will feel upended by jealousy, focusing on it until it has become a loud and intrusive pattern of thought.

If you are fixated on another person, your partner, it can feel agonizing. Your thoughts might go into dark places, the what if's taking on a life of their own. Sometimes this is occurring outside of reality entirely, with no basis in the truth, other times it can be true.

Here is the important part, it doesn't matter either way.

Obviously, you will want to move on from a partner that isn't loyal, but what I mean is, either way, if you are torturing yourself with jealous thoughts, it's going to continue no matter what relationship you are in. You will get no rest, no reprisal, your jealousy is a pattern. Until you address those core issues, the jealousy pattern will continue.

How to break the pattern of jealousy

First, take a good hard look at your relationship (s)are there, or were there, valid concerns for your jealousy? If so, you may want to consider couples therapy, work to repair the relationship. If the behavior continues or if your partner doesn't want to try to work on things, it is important you determine whether staying is the healthiest thing to do. A cheating partner will only erode your self-esteem further and can't bring much to the relationship as they are focused outside of it.

If you are certain your partner isn't cheating but it's the little things that get to you, like the way they talk to other people, or non-romantic issues of jealousy over friends, family, or co-workers. Focus on letting go of controlling behavior on your part. You cant control, nor do you want to, another person, and that includes who they spend time with. You cannot manipulate them into doing what makes you comfortable. It is unhealthy, draining, and fear-based.

Instead, bring the focus back around to yourself. You are in need of self-care and self-love. When was the last time you spent a few hours on yourself? Take yourself shopping, in person or online. Take a walk in the park. Watch a movie. Listen to music and sing along with it in the car, or anywhere you feel comfortable. Write down a list of things you would like to do, for yourself. Each week do one thing on that list. Make it varied some of it can be fun, some of it can be good for you. Even include simple things like sleep, getting a haircut, or meditating.

A life free of jealousy

Once you start to focus on yourself again, you can give yourself the attention that you were trying to get from your romantic partner. At first, it might feel forced, but as you spend more and more time refocusing you can and will find yourself feeling more balanced. Once you are refocused on yourself, you might branch out a bit and connect with your friends or family. People you enjoy being with and can talk about topics other than your relationship with.

The more balanced you make yourself with focus on self-love, friends, family, and whatever else you wish, your relationship becomes one part of your life rather than the only part. It helps bring everything into perspective. This way when things come up that would have bothered you in the past, you have outlets to channel your focus.

Jealousy is a painful thing to experience from both sides, it can destroy a relationship, and it feels terrible to hold inside. It represents the pain from the past often from low self-esteem and insecurities, but it doesn't have to control your life. 

Breaking the pattern of jealousy may take time but with careful refocusing on yourself and your needs, it can be done. The best part is when you finally are free of jealousy, everything feels better. You don't have to constantly worry or try to control, you are truly free.