Are We Competing ourselves out of Love?

And the winner is..... Absolutely no one! No one wins when a relationship ends. Kids, mutual friends, family and the primary parties all lose out in the end. The short term rewards may seem to be pleasing in the beginning, but the long term effects can be damaging in every aspect. Lets take a long look at where the spirit of competition comes from. It all starts from us playing sports at a young age. We are trained to win at all cost. You see the angry parents at the games, yelling at the refs and wanting to fight the coach because their kid is not getting enough playing time. It starts from a young age, and most times our parents are the primary cause of it. This competitive drive is in us because we are taught to win at everything we do. There is nothing wrong with wanting to win, but do we know when to turn it off? Unfortunately, this competitive drive inadvertently lives in us and when we are deep in a relationship with someone we're suppose to love and build with; however we fail to realize that competing against our love ones while secretly pushing them away.

Think about it. Relationships are feed off of competition that could go too far and damage a positive vibe before the start of it all by this one question, "What are you bringing to the table?" I will get into that question later. Let me explore why I think unconscious competition destroys relationships. The most common dynamic that is detrimental with competing couples is the woman earning higher than a man. Kevin Samuels use to say that men are often emasculated when women help them out. Now there could be many reasons as to why this is true and I think here are two in particular. First reason, some men feel that their dominance cannot be asserted with a woman earning more. I dated an Attorney while living in Atlanta and with the proper mindset, the relationship worked. Too bad she was seven years older than me and the relationship didn't last due to our feelings about the age difference. There was not a moment I felt that I needed to insert my "dominance" with her. Secondly, I think men are emasculated because in some men's immature minds, they are in second place and this is shameful in their competitive edge. What happen to "two are better than one" or "teamwork makes the dream work"?

This competitive nature is a killer. With a large degree, this is a fugus with women that are higher earners as well. Yes, it works both ways. Woman earning over $20/hr, their first thought is they think they don't need a man. Now I cannot think from a woman's perspective. This mindset of a misguided conception of submissiveness has crippled women out of a relationship. Women do not want to confine themselves to the idea of having to march to a man's orders, so earning money is their gateway to avoid this burden. So not having to live with the antics of some of these men out here, they gain independence from earning their own. This is not a horrible concept, but this is based on survival. So women compete on this level, they are competing to keep themselves out of a relationship. There are men who want to "rule" in the relationship vs women who also desire to "rule" because of the past experiences from toxic relationships. We have this man vs woman narrative that is constantly tearing us apart, where we should be working together and building a legacy. Which came first? The chicken or the egg, we are both wrong in this senseless game of competition.

This article was written for some of us to think. Some of us may not even consider marriage or a long term relationship because of our past experiences, direct or second-hand knowledge. I am not pointing out who is right and who is wrong, but take a look at the competitive nature we have and what we go through to be on "top". Do we have to be in first place in everything? Can we allow our significant others to win, while being comfortable knowing that we have won as well? This competitive nature will have us jealous of each other. I could think of the times in my marriage where at one point we made over 300k between us. How to my wildest dreams did this marriage fail was beyond me. I always felt that I was competing and not building with my wife at the time. Take a good look at your picture of life. Is it filled with someone trying to do better than you instead of someone trying to do better with you? I could be wrong and it could just be me. Think about your significant other! Is he or she your number one cheerleader, or your number one rival? Stop competing! That stuff is for people who are against you and wish not for your success. Run a race with someone and not against someone.