An Exercise in Gratitude

Dear... do I have the right to use your name? I don't know, but this letter is addressed to you, though I secretly hope you'll never read it.

Not because I don't want you to know how I feel and what I think, but because I never want to occupy your thoughts again. I was selfish, and I was scared, I don't deserve to ever be on your mind.

I saw your photo, not long ago when I decided to try again on that app where we met. And since then, I've been feeling reflective. Philosophical, considering that you always liked to hear me talk, I think you'll be happy to know that I still haven't stopped thinking.

But I wanted to write this letter to you, carefully fold it into a digital bottle and cast it into the wide Vocalsea, and express the gratitude I feel in my heart for you. For the months we spent together.

Contained within our last communication, you asked that I forget those months. I'm sorry to say that this is the second of your requests I could not follow. I cannot forget you, and I never want t0, though I hope that you've forgotten me.

Strange, isn't it? How we can go through the world trying desperately to be remembered, to leave some trace of ourselves behind on this uncaring world - yet how desperately we can wish to be forgotten. Because I know I left a mark on your heart, one that I hope has healed. One that I hope never crosses your mind again.

Those months with you, fresh from the strictures of the pandemic, were some of the happiest of my life. I always knew that you were good for me, that knowing you, being with you, was good for me. I'm sorry I couldn't return to you what you gave to me. I did try, but... we don't get a choice about how we feel, do we?

I'm writing to you today, past the due date for the challenge that this letter is styled after, because I want to take a moment to express how much I appreciated you. And how much I continue to appreciate your memory.

You gave me a gift. One that I don't think you'll ever fully understand, but I'll do my best to explain it here.

Confidence, self-esteem, the knowledge that a person saw me and liked what she saw. It's a critical thing, that knowledge. Most people don't fully understand how much it can mean, those simple statements of attraction you used to make. Little compliments, or expressions of desire, they are so much more than just words to the likes of me.

Self-image has never been my strong suit, but you made me feel handsome. You made me feel appreciated and desired - not only in that way, but in every way. For the time that I was with you, I felt like I could take on the world. I'd never felt like that before.

Today, before I sat down to write this letter addressed to you, a friend of mine reflected on how long she has known me - reflected on the different men I have been in that time - and was the first one to tell me about who I became with you. She told me that, as the months with you rolled away, I grew more confident. More poised. More sociable.

At the end of it all, though I needed to be told this from the outside to really notice it, you were good for me. Quite literally the best thing that has ever happened to me was the chance to be with you.

I'm not sorry it ended. I'm only sorry about how I chose to end it. Like I said, I was selfish. I didn't give enough attention to how you might feel or what might be best for you beyond my going. What I am, over and above everything else, is grateful to you for taking that chance on a first date with me.

You had options, more options than I can conceive of even if you didn't think they were very many, and you chose me. That would be enough to make me grateful, that would be enough to seat you in the pantheon of things that have gone well for me.

But you did more. You liked the me you got to know that day, and you wanted to learn more. Over time, as you saw more and more of who and what I am, you wanted more. You saw me, scars and all, and liked what you saw.

More than that, though, so very much more, you told me.

You TOLD me what you thought.

This language I use to write this letter, any language I could possibly use, does not have the words to express my gratitude for that. Because, though you never doubted my sincerity when I said this, you were the first one - the ONLY one - to give me that gift.

Never before has someone just come out and told me what they liked, or even better what they wanted me to change. I was able to grow with you, not just with regard to my self-esteem, but as a person and as a partner.

When you expressed the things I could do better or anything I did that made you uncomfortable, I could have kissed you. Well... you understand what I mean. You gave me the chance to grow and learn lessons that I had only ever considered in the abstract.

In a very real way, you are a major factor in who I am today. I can credit what self-esteem I have been able to scrape together to your goodness. To your willingness to be open with me. To your love, bestowed on a lowly creature like me.

You made me feel valued, but more than that you made me feel valuable. You taught me that it IS possible for people to like me, to want to be around me, in ways that no one else ever managed before.

I am sorry I couldn't give you what you deserved, but from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Thank you for giving me what I needed, for being such an amazing person and teaching me that I have value.

Yours,

.... me.