Adapting in the closet! Part 1

They say your childhood shapes you, and looking at my less-than-perfect shape now, I can definitely see what it did to me! As a child, one of the taunts that really used to upset me was "You sound like a girl!" and other variations like "You're a girl!", "Why do you always play with the girls?", or "I have every right to pick on you because you're a poof!"

Well, I clearly wasn't a girl and never, ever felt the inclination to be one. Whether it was nature or nurture, I possessed some female vocal and physical characteristics which the boys couldn't help but notice and point out. I knew that there was something different about me, and when it was pointed out to me I felt threatened. So, I had to become adaptable to survive. The sad thing is that while adaptability is a remarkable skill, it isn't remarkable when you're doing it to stop yourself being bullied because of who you truly are.

One of the lads

Football! It's one of those words that fills me with dread every time I hear it. For me, football means not being one of the lads, not understanding what they were talking about, being intimidated and being left out. I couldn't understand how I could go from the classroom working nicely with a few boys, to going to the playground and not being asked to join in their football game. Plus, I probably would have said no because I would have had absolutely no idea where to begin and would have felt intimidated by all the intensity and shouting!

Changing rooms were another source of fear. Early on in high school, I actually quite enjoyed PE, especially gymnastics and athletics. Not so much rugby and football! That was were the testosterone and aggression exploded, and where I had to learn to adapt quickly. I never tried to become one of the lads, but I altered my behaviour and voice - suppressing the urge for more flamboyant body language, trying to deepen the voice and making my 's' sounds less sharp. I also had to work really hard not to look at anyone changing, but didn't always succeed...

One of the girls

So, I made my fun with the girls and any other odd boys, or potential future gay ones! It was always quite fun, playing chase, doing silly dances, making daisy chains, collecting petals to make perfume for the old ladies in our street, organising picnics. I had learnt to play with girls because I felt I couldn't play with boys. One of my best girl friends had set up a mini salon in her caravan and painted my nails. We used to go to a drama group together. We used to watch videos of musicals, copy out the song lyrics and sing them together. We'd talk about reading and learning languages.

However, as many gay men will attest to, it wasn't always easy being the only boy who played with a group of girls. That crushing feeling I got when the girls had to run off dramatically and talk about something private, when the girls couldn't tell you their secret because you were a BOY, when the girls said "No boys in our group today!" Very sad for a poor little boy who didn't quite know where he fitted in!

Sexual Awakening

As I breached the transition towards high school and beyond, my world was shook when I learnt that not all boys were into football and fighting: some were interested in pornography. Yes, it was quite a shock one day when aged 9, a friend and I were walking through the nearby woods only to discover a young thug showing his friend a pornographic magazine. This was a little thug who intimidated everyone, who everyone hated, and who punched me in the face when I was 7 for asking him if he liked strawberries...Needless to say, we were intrigued by this magazine and discovered that everyone else had seen this stuff too. A strange moment was when a teenage cousin got out his pornographic playing cards and masturbated in front of me. I was about 10 years old and couldn't understand what was happening - how could milk come out of your willy?!

Somehow these experiences helped me to bond with my male peers. Male puberty was something we experienced the same, so we could talk about it - talk about physical changes, masturbation, we even tried practising kissing and everyone tried to find their fathers' porn stash - most boys successfully so! I began to realise that not all boys were the same - some could share feelings, some were intelligent and sensitive.

Things began to change a little then, when I discovered gay pornography early in high school during the 2000s. I had to hide these new, amazing and scary feelings from my straight friends, and I did so successfully until my 4th year of high school. In my third year of high school, my friends and I used to talk about porn, girls, masturbation, Page 3 models, while in my head I was more interested in hearing them talk about their willies! My favourite memory was walking with a bunch of boys on our Duke of Edinburgh expedition. All the way it was just talking about willies, wet dreams and wanking, and the lads walked with their hands down their pants. It was actually a really special time for me because I loved having the space to bond, talk openly about our bodies away from girls and it made me feel normal. I felt that being a boy was brilliant - you had a penis you could play with. I was proud! Of course, I was a normal boy, but one who had to protect himself and hide who he was really attracted to.

In my most desperate attempt to protect myself, I actually cut out pictures of Page 3 models from the newspaper at home and brought them into school to show my three friends. What they didn't know was, at that time, I was desperately trying to be attracted to those models at home. I used to masturbate while looking at them every night, because I thought that that would turn me straight. When I now compare the heaven I felt upon seeing gay porn for the first time, to those Page 3 models who just didn't register in my brain, I feel it was a valiant effort, but honey, it was never going to work out!

Then, along came a new, explosive adventure through studying GCSE Drama in Year 10. I worshipped a boy in our class. He could make me laugh hysterically, even just by blinking. I've got no idea how he did it. We got on so well and became great friends, visiting each other's houses and sleeping over. We would talk about all the usual boy things and used to masturbate in front of each other. I knew he was straight, but I couldn't believe my luck - I was so close to the real thing. We used to say we loved each other like brothers and all that changed when he had his first girlfriend. The jealousy stewing within me was pure torture. I realised I had a crush on him and that I could never have him. A classic gay tragedy! A tale as old as time!

In hindsight, all of the above was totally deceitful behaviour, but an understandable adaptation within a homophobic school culture: I could not reveal who I was and to be fair, boys did do these things together all the time.