Abuse of Mind

It’s the way you look at me sometimes. It’s the way I can’t figure you out. Are you looking at me with disgust or curiosity? Am I not making sense to you? I see me one way, and you see me another and I don’t know which side to believe anymore. Me, of course, right? I have no idea. You view me so differently then I view myself. You’re so outspoken about the misunderstanding of my character. So much so that I start to wonder if I am what you think I am.

Doubts fill me up. Fill me to the brim. I start second guessing myself. Overthinking takes over. Wondering. “Am I overreacting?” “Should I shut up?” “Should I leave well enough alone?” “Am I being difficult at all?”

You don’t notice my panic. It’s all in my head, and I can’t help but notice how you don’t really care. You’re still driving, while I’m here stressing. You can’t take me seriously at all. You drive me up a wall wondering where I went wrong and I need to know if it’s all in my head or am I right to feel this way. It’s moments like these, I need to know if I matter. If my emotions are valid and my thoughts are considered. They aren’t, and you keep driving.

You drive like you. Impatient, and rude. Like we have to be somewhere in 2 minutes or else. Or else what? Nothing, we have no where to go but you drive as if we’re on a time limit. Like our life is on a time limit. I know you’re mad. It doesn’t take much to figure. You drive the way you feel. I don’t even get nervous when you drive this reckless, it’s what I’m use to. Plus, I’m to busy thinking to truly care.

“Why haven’t you said anything?”,you say. I could be honest and say you scare me to much to respond to you, but I don’t. Instead, “I just have nothing to say.”, falls out of my mouth because it’s all I know how to say. It feels safe. So you get silent and give me that look. The look you give a kid when you can’t believe he/she said that, or the look you give someone that disappoints you. It hurts, but again I keep it to myself.

“You know it’s all in your head right?” Those words and that sentence. The inevitability is what hurts. It’s always in my head, but is it? I’m tired of thinking it is when it isn’t. I’m tired of you dismissing it and me. I’m tired of beating myself over feeling my own feelings. Instead of helping, you tear me down. Instead of crying, I hold it in.

I hold it in.

Hold it.

Just hold it.

Hold.

Until I break.

That dam I’ve created between me and my emotions is cracking. It’s getting longer and longer by the minute. I can’t keep fixing it with excuses or holding it together with fear.

We keep driving. Driving and driving. Wheels spinning, music blasting. Speeding down the highway. Emotions are high. My mind is fried. You’re angry and i don’t know why.

It’s in my head as you said and I’ll keep believing that until the dam finally collapses and I’m left in flood of anger and sadness. Till the water rises and the excuses drag and drown me because I was to naive to leave.

I wanted to keep you as my home knowing you would wash away. Seeing the warning signs with the first initial crack. The time would come but I didn’t care, just wanted to hold on.

I stare at you while you continue to drive and I see the cracks I’m too afraid to admit to and the tears start forming. The anger builds.

Hold.

Hold.

Please hold.

Chanting in my head isn’t working anymore.

It’s becoming weaker and weaker. It started with a shout, but it’s ending in a whisper.

And I break.