A Winter's Hope

The trees were barren, no life upon them. Their vibrant colored leaves had fallen off creating a soft colorful carpet on the brown dormant grass that once was a lush green. Soon winter would be fully upon us and the soft colorful carpet would be changed to a soft white blanket of snow. The trees would then hold little crystals of ice that would be their leaves for the season. Many often said winter was depressing and at a time in my life I would have agreed with them, but not on this day, not at this time. I would say that it was beautiful and necessary. Winter was a time of deep sleep. A Season for Cardinals to sing their songs. It was said that these beautiful little red birds often carried the souls of your loved ones to sing for you until your sadness was lifted and you knew they were some place beautiful. Tragedy had happened a year ago today to a family that would soon find its way into this orphan’s life. When your perception changes and you see a larger picture, you realize that the change of season is necessary for the balance of the eco system. Even the coldest, harshest winter storm can be beautiful.

It was the winter of 2002 that my life would change to a degree that I was not even close to expecting. As every Saturday I headed to South Side Nursing Home. It was the first snow fall of the season. I dressed casual but warm. I loved the color pink and loved to accentuate it with just the right amount of black and white, which in my style I had to have balance of color and neutral colors to provide myself with just enough class. In 1990 I had lost my entire family in a massive shooting, in New York City. Everyone had gone but me, I had to work and was unable to get out of it. It took me a few tries to let go of the guilt and move forward and realize that my life had not yet reached its mission. At least that was what my counselor told me time and time again. My father was the last one to leave this universe, the doctors had hope but on that Thanksgiving Morning, he looked at me, smiled softly whispered I Love You then quietly he passed on. It was just Me, Myself and I now, I found restored peace at South Side Nursing Home. The residents and staff became my family. Three days a week I would go and visit with them, sometimes I would be able to spend five days a week with them especially during the holidays. I would bring each of them gifts and would watch movies with them or play cards with them, pretty much made it about them. It gave my life purpose, meaning. Edna was my favorite, she was like my grandma. Soft white hair, that I would always help her put up in a bun. She reminded me of the sweet lady on the cartoon of Sylvester and Tweety. Her eyes twinkled like diamonds and were the softest color of bluish gray. She was short in stature, couldn’t have been any taller than 4’ 11. She became like family to me. I would always take her home with me the third weekend every month and the holidays. Especially the major holidays, Easter, Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas. No one had any idea that this Christmas was going to be different. That today was going to be different. When I arrived there was all kinds of commotion at the nurses station, Jenny Clayton came rushing over to me. “Hey Jenny what in the world is going on?” I asked her. “You remember me telling you about Alex Madigan? That young man that was in a car accident last year and lost his wife?” “Yes, I remember,” Well you’re not going to believe it, but they brought him here, his mother and father decided not to pull the plug, despite what the doctor told them. Don’t you think it is crazy? He isn’t going to have any quality of life. Some people can be so cruel she spouted off. “Jenny, you know you’re not supposed to say things like that,” I said rolling my eyes. “Well the hospital needed the room so they sent him here” “All I am saying Lacey is they are being selfish and they should find a way to let him go.” “Doesn’t he have two little girls, Jenny?” “I believe so apparently that is the reason his mother, is so adamant about keeping him alive and comfortable.” “Well how is that selfish,” I asked her? To which she didn’t answer. I headed to Edna’s room, to let her know that I would be by to get her the day before Christmas and find out if we would be having guests this year. Her dearest friend Margaret aka Maggie would always be our guest until she passed away and good ole Pete when she wasn’t mad at him for some inappropriate statement he made about them getting it on as they weren’t getting any younger. She was a lady and how dare he speak to her that way. I laughed to myself as I thought of them. She was still very beautiful at the age of 89 and I always told her I hope I am blessed to look as ageless as she did and she always assured me I would. Pete was 93 and still looked very distinguished with his salt and pepper colored hair. They both looked much younger than what they really were and it made me hopeful.

Stephen and Madeline Madigan, were known by the community. They were devastated by the loss of their daughter in law and the loss of their son. The only thing that kept them going were their granddaughters. Cassidy Grace and Chasity Hope, they were just 3 and 1 so they knew that they would not remember this tragic part of their lives. It was Alex that would remember the loss, Madeline thought as her husband parked the car. Where are you Maddie? Stephen asked. “Deep in thought Honey, she said as a tear rolled down her cheek,” Stephen took a hold of her hand. There was nothing he could say or do to ease her pain only be there for her. Alex was just 38 years old, in some aspects a late bloomer, but he was a good provider for his family and he loved them. Kathy and he were married at 30 and the babies didn’t come till five years later. They were planners not spontaneous in anyway. Unlike his brother Clay. Clay was older than Alex and was more of a player, in no way shape or form wanting to settle down. He couldn’t figure out how they raised two opposite children by following the same structure. Maddie would always say that they were just different and it wasn’t a reflection on them as parents to reassure him he had not failed his boys. Stephen sure hoped so and only wanted the best for both his boys. They got Alex settled in his room, which was dark, the blinds were closed and from an outside view it looked as death had invited itself in, waiting to remove his soul. As I walked past his room, my heart felt heavy for his mom as she sat there holding his hand. She looked up at me and smiled. She had kind eyes, I returned the smile and continued my walk. Edna was sitting in her rocking chair looking out the window, she didn’t turn around to acknowledge me she simply said, there is my girl, and I walked over to her and took ahold of her hand and kissed her forehead. Hi Miss Edna, how are we doing today? Great Sweetie, the snow is starting to fall, just in time to have a white Christmas she stated with a smile ear to ear. Her face was so smooth and her wrinkles were so fine, I could definitely see why Pete loved her. Not only was she radiantly beautiful outside, she was beautiful inside. So soft spoken, I was grateful that she had become my adoptive family member. So is Pete coming to my house this Christmas, I asked her. I Guess he is, his son still hasn’t showed up to see him, told him he would be here for Thanksgiving and never showed, he said he was going to wait for him and I put my foot down. I said you will not be alone on Christmas it just isn’t right and I am sure Jenny can tell him where you are if he shows. You tell him Edna, I said with a small chuckle in my voice, she could be such a stinker. So are we having any other guests this year? Well I thought maybe we could have Elsa and Maisie join us if that wasn’t too much trouble. I hate my friends being alone on the holidays she said, taking ahold of my hand. So it would be a full house this year, I thought with a smile on my face. She and I always spent Christmas Eve just us two, I would read her a story I was working on and we would drink hot chocolate loaded with Marshmallows and giggle like two teenagers. Then on Christmas morning we would prepare dinner, make sure all the gifts were wrapped and under the tree. Then around two o’clock Jenny, Stan and Sheila would bring our guests. It had become a tradition. Jenny Clayton, Stanley Tucker and Sheila Costello were a part of our adopted family and we spent every holiday together, as well as birthdays. Well Miss Edna, I will be by tomorrow to see you, I want to meet the new resident. “Honey he is in a coma, I don’t know that you will be able to meet him.” She said in her soft concerned voice. He will hear me I said as I kissed her forehead and caught her wink at me. Your soul does sing sweet girl, she said. If his parents were still in there I thought I would just go ahead and head out for the day, but if they weren't I would go in and introduce my self. As I left Miss Edna's room, I could hear Mr. Pete whistling his favorite tune, Whistle while you work, he was coming around the corner as we bumped into each other, "Well Hi There Miss Lacey, you just come from Miss Edna's Room" "I sure did Mr. Pete are you on your way there now?" I asked smiling and making him blush. "I supposed I am but I don't know why she is mean as a snake," he whispered with a soft smile. "Did she tell you that I am coming to Christmas Dinner?" "I tried to argue my way out of it, not wanting to be any trouble, but she put her foot down and wasn't listening to anything I had to say, so I hope it isn't going to be any trouble, Ms. Lacey." By this time he had taken ahold of my hands and showed a respectful sign of affection, like a father in a sense and kissed both of my hands. It felt good to be loved, I missed my mom and dad tremendously and I couldn't help to wonder how my brother would have asked Sharon to marry him and how many children my sister would have by now. The hardest part about losing my sister was the shooter didn't just take her, he took her children too, both of her little girls. She was expecting a little boy in just a few short months, the loss was tremendous. I didn't let them die to me, I talked about them I was in counseling for 11 out of the 12 years, I felt stronger once I released all the pain and allowed myself to grieve. I knew that they would not want me to suffer and walk in despair for my life here, so for them I learned to find myself. Become a better version of myself. Learned to pick up the pieces of my broken heart and put them together. Even Mosaics Have beauty. "Wouldn't have it any other way Mr. Pete, it just wouldn't be the same with out you there. Plus I think it will be good for Miss Edna to have you, Miss Elsa and Miss Maisie there so she doesn't miss, Miss Maggie so much." "True that Miss Lacey True that." Mr. Pete kissed my cheek and headed back toward Miss Edna's Room. To my surprise when I reached Alex's Room there was no there, his mom had placed a picture of his girls on the night stand next to his bed. Instinctively I moved it to the table that he would be able to see it as soon as he woke up. I began rearranging his room to make cheerful and lively, not one moment did I think I was doing anything wrong or that I may upset his mother or his father. I opened the curtains and let some sun in, moving the chair next to his bed. "Good Day Alex" I said with a song in my voice. There was something about him that made me feel at home and I didn't even hesitate to take ahold of his hand. The song Hold On from the movie Breakthrough came to my mind, so softly I began to sing that song with tears filling my eyes. When you're afraid, I'm right beside you, When you're in the dark, I'll come and find you, there is no door I'll leave unopened and there is no chance I'll leave it broken. So Hold on, Hold on Don't let go... I'll be your hope, I'll be your lifeline, I'll never stop fighting So Hold on, Hold on to me. If there's a prayer I am gonna pray it, when there is an answer I'll be right here waiting and there ain't a stone I won't turn over, A weight to heavy on my shoulder, A fire I won't walk through, you know I got you, I got you so hold on hold on and don't let go. "Alex, this song I think is what your mama is singing to you every day. I don't know you and I don't know her but there is something that spoke to me in her eyes. There is much love there and the one thing I know about Love is it Endures all Things." My name is Lacey Cavanaugh, I lost my entire family almost 13 years ago and I found myself an orphan until I met the people here, so in the hands of fate I find myself drawn here to you. I know you can hear me and I know you have lost someone that was once your world here, but you still have two beautiful little girls and a family that loves you and a new friend that wants to meet you." So Alex my challenge to you is if you can hear me, please hold on and come back to girls, your mother, father and brother." I couldn't hold back the tears and one of them found their way to the top of his hand. Something happened at that moment, like a touch of spring his body began to sense someone was there. As he turned around on his journey, he felt a tug that said you are not done yet and he could hear her singing to him. Who was this? It wasn't his mother. His head hurt and he felt pain in his chest. He couldn't open his eyes and he couldn't speak but he wanted to. Her tear warmed his soul and touched his spirit. "Home" was the only thought he had.