A Thousand First Dates

Lucy Pale was no stranger to first dates.

She had them every Monday for the past year, no exceptions, and today wasn’t any different.

She forces herself out of the comforts of her sheets and slips into the shower, letting the steam and rush of hot water ground her to reality, while her mind wanders.

She thinks about the weather, five degrees with no chance of rain. She thinks about how no matter the forecast, every Monday, she always knows exactly what she is going to wear. A little black dress, one that she has worn so often she can’t quite recall if she ever liked it. The velvety cloth fits her like a second skin, outlining her every curve. She seems to know the familiar fabric better than she knows herself.

Today she stays in the shower a little longer than usual. And she hates herself for lingering. Not leaving sooner. But most of all she hates the part of her that wishes she didn’t ever have to leave.

When she re-enters her room, the cold air gives her countless goosebumps as she seats herself in front of the mirror. She sighs quietly at the bags under her eyes, sleep has become as rare as her smile.

Despite the evident lack of rest, Lucy Pale was rather pretty.

Or at least she had been told so most of her life.

Her hair was effortlessly wavy and just the perfect shade of auburn, her eyes an endless green. She always had an abundance of friends and men vying for her attention.

Regardless of having received so much affection throughout the years, Lucy did not believe in love.

Perhaps it was because love was a broken thing in her family, she saw it as a shield people used to hide behind. Everything they did bad or good was because of love.

At a certain age, Lucy began to detest the word, the concept, the people who thought they had it.

More than anything she hated what the word entitled people to do. They hit, they screamed, and they cried all in the wicked name of love. Love had left bruises on her mother's frail body. Love had created unhealable wounds. Love had left her an empty shell.

The world had been cruel and unforgiving, so Lucy saw it as such.

Until she met Kyle Haden.

Kyle was light itself.

He came into a room and it was somehow brighter, he had a way of listening that made it seem like you were the only person in the universe that mattered, he was thoughtful and so unforgivably himself she couldn’t help smiling around him. But most importantly when he kissed her and told her the world was a good place she believed him.

Kyle was the first person she had ever met who truly lived. When he laughed it shook his whole body and when he smiled his entire face lit up. Little by little, he taught her how to love, he taught her humility, kindness, and redemption.

Then when she was whole and happy, he had gone and shattered her heart into so many pieces she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to put it back together again.

And because of this she leaves the familiar comfort of her home and drives to the restaurant.

The same one she goes to every Monday.

The place she and Kyle first met, a million fond memories embedded into an old building.

She laughs harshly at the thought of them because memories were fickle things. They only existed if two people were there to remember them. To speak and laugh over their existence. Otherwise, they shifted and twisted, until they were wisps of uncatchable smoke amongst a sea of raging fires.

When she walks into the restaurant a man quickly stands up his eyes lighting up at the sight of her. He’s tall and well built, his hair falls in locks of curly black hair that frame crystal blue eyes. He rushes to grab her chair and as he shyly looks up at her from the other end of the table, she prays she has the strength to stay, to not run out of the restaurant and never look back.

“Hello,” he says and she silently prepares herself for his next words.

“I’m Kyle.”

She holds back tears and forces a smile.

She fights the urge to tell him she knows. She knows his name is Kyle, and that his favourite colour is brown and not just any brown but the shade of wet dirt, that he loves to read and thinks words hold so much power. She wants to tell him that he should know her name is Lucy, and she's shy and that this is not their first date but their 178th and he loved her and they had talked about marriage and kids and a brighter future before his accident stole away memories of late-night drives, secret looks, and tingling kisses.

But instead, she drinks the glass of Merlot already on the table, Kyle's favourite wine, the one he only drank on special occasions. She laughs at the jokes he’s made a thousand times and pretends she doesn’t know the man she has been in love with for years. She does this all while knowing he’ll soon forget the day ever happened.

When the doctor had told her she had refused to believe it. How could someone repeat the same week over and over again. But here she was sitting with Kyle as if he was a stranger she was meeting for the first time and not someone she had enough history with to fill up pages and pages of books.

Kyle keeps talking about the stars and how they’ll be in perfect condition a week from now. Lucy nods and doesn’t say she knows because he used to take her every year. As he speaks she thinks about how everyone told her to give up, to stop going to these dates he’ll never remember, and move on with her life.

But they don't understand.

She can’t not go.

Kyle got into a car crash that could have killed him but instead, it stole away all his memories leaving empty gaps in his mind. Yet a part of her knew he had fought to keep this one day alive, his favourite day, she knows this because he had told her the night of their first date had been magical and he could and would remember every detail till his very last breath.

He had kept his promise so she refuses to let him relive it alone.

When the date is over and the bottle of Merlot has been emptied. Kyle stands offering her a hand and asks to go for a walk. Usually, she agrees and they talk and laugh all night long, holding hands as the world rushes by. But tonight she shakes her head and apologizes telling him she has a long day tomorrow. He’s sad and she hates seeing that expression on his face but tonight she is not strong enough.

He walks her to a cab, and she rides in silence back to the house, the one she was supposed to be sharing with Kyle. It's not till she is inside the door safely locked behind her that she collapses to the floor and begins to weep, her body shaking with the force of her despair.

She cries for lost memories, stolen futures, the past hundred dates and the next thousand first ones.