A Place in Time

I didn’t think I would ever write about you, but last night I wrote you a song. It came out beautifully, as many things seem to when you evoke feelings deep inside me. Sometimes these feelings are lost, but not forgotten, and I wonder why.

I remember meeting you. It wasn’t conventional. Well, it was to the standard that people adhere to in modern society, but definitely not for me. If you recall, and I know you recall, we connected on Facebook. We had loads of the same friends, we went to high school together, but didn’t know each other then. You sent me a message “you are stunning”, it read. It felt romantic, instead of creepy. That’s because it was from you.

If anyone before had ever sent me something like that, I’d ignore it immediately. I didn’t ignore it. It was evening and I messaged you back. I acted as cool as a cucumber, because I was in that moment. I had nothing to lose so I asked you: “So, what’s your story?” Do you remember that?

We talked for a long time on that message, and by the end of the conversation I was smitten and you felt like home. You didn't feel like home in the sense that I knew you well yet, because I didn’t, but I trusted you. I don’t know why. You said things that sounded genuine, and we began a long-distance flirtation and creating a fantasy future together.

At the time, I think we both thought we might be manifesting something amazing together. It was all right, where our hearts were concerned. My situation was unconventional. I lived with my children’s father, though we were no longer together at the time and he was "Tinder dating". That still seems so strange to me, thinking back. I would never do something like that. I would never reach into the abyss of lost souls and try my hand at finding the one, this way. I guess people need company and he needed something. It’s not really my place to judge. In hindsight, I suppose when I started talking to you, so did I. At the time he and I had separate lives and it wasn’t my business, as long as his choices had nothing to do with our shared space and children; and they never did.

I think it made you uncomfortable. However, we talked for two months, every single day. You sent me a song. Actually over time you sent me many songs. This one in particular though, I will never forget. I can't listen to it anymore now. It’s too bad, I really loved it once; back when it was for me and felt full of promise.

You promised that we would find our place in time, for the first time, or so we thought, taking a trip together in the Red Rock backdrop of Sedona. You curated everything, from your flights, the tiny house we’d stay in, and the hiking trails that we would try. You suggested it would be fun to spend one night in Phoenix before heading up the following day. I agreed. I would have agreed with anything you said then, I was already falling for you.

You kept that promise. You flew to Arizona, where I lived although we were both originally from the same home state, New Jersey. Remember how easily you kissed me as you got into the car? It was like we had been together forever and I was just picking you up from a routine business trip or something, but it was passionate like you wanted me to feel it in my soul, and I did. We set off on our 3 day journey, which started with that night out in Phoenix followed by what we agreed were "two of the best days in our lives", in Sedona.

That first night, we talked about everything. We laughed over stories of mutual friends from high school; you graduated 2 years before me, but we knew so many of the same people. You told me about your job, and family, down to your favorite wine subscription as we sipped a glass of Merlot at a sushi place in the city. I still remember the name of the it, Bright Cellars. It sounded happy and hopeful, like you.

When the trip was over, I cried when you left. You told me to move back to my home state, where you still lived at the time. I was working but penniless due to bills and obligations I had created but not controlled properly. I’ve learned and change since then. So, has my financial situation, thanks to my Dad still surprising me from Heaven with plans he laid in place a few times over with an agenda of protection, like he knew somehow he wouldn’t be here on this earth for long.

Things became strained for us. You bought a house, and I felt then that there was no way I was getting you, who at the time could have moved anywhere, to move heaven and earth to be with me here. Maybe my “situation” stopped you. Maybe, you just weren’t that in love. I’ll never really know.

You broke my heart, I say, but really now I know that my hopes and expectations did that. You shouldn’t have expectations, they create limits. I’ve learned this; that life is limitless if you allow it to be. You can change anything and everything changes. Our hearts and thoughts were changing, fast.

Naturally, the universe reflected our projection and we became not only states apart, but worlds...dimensions. I cried often.

It was a time in my life that seemed to humble me actually, I literally had to fight for my life. It had nothing to do with you. I was dealing with something no one, including me understood because of anxiety medication a doctor had prescribed that, I tried to stop taking and it took me away and replaced me with something otherworldly. I’m happy you weren’t there for that. I needed my mom. I needed the only person that could believe when I couldn’t, that it wouldn’t stay “that way” forever. It didn’t. I am forever changed, humbled, and different because of that experience.

You had moved on, and I had become a shell I needed to find something to stuff back inside to make a woman again. People tend to think that everything starts with emotion, but it doesn’t. There’s somethings that physically can make you pull so far away from this world that there is no emotion, just survival. I went through that. But, that’s not what this story is about.

When I came back to the real world, I craved nothing but what felt safe, stable, and secure. Everyone in my family rallied around me and I am forever grateful for that support. I wouldn’t be here without it. I’m strong, but even you have never had your strength tested this way, Mister Cross-Fit/Triathlete. I am glad. No one should.

We didn’t speak for a long time. I started seeing a therapist who became more like a best friend. She would talk to me as often about her life as I would mine. I know this was not right but I didn’t care. I like how she trusted me. I trusted her; when she told me to block you, I did. Just like that, you were gone.

I went through a metamorphic string of changes in that time, and so did my life. Now, I know yours did too.

I was playing house with my ex again because, like I said before, stability was my end goal. Safety was my best friend. However, deep down when I can be with without restraint, my charisma is awakened by feeling alive, feeling those moments that make you transcend time and space. I hadn’t felt those in years. But, I wasn’t unhappy. I was safe.

I felt it safe enough to see how you were. After blocking you, I had tried to request friendship a few times. You declined. This time, a year or more later, you accepted.

We were both seemingly and probably truly well. My entire life had changed and allowed for more freedom. Yours had changed as well. You made decisions that purposely and by fate, laid your adventurous side to rest a bit. You were married; you have a baby on the way.

Strangely, it felt like meeting you all over again. When you told me you never loved anyone as much as me, I felt that. I’m not you, and I’m not sure what that means to you. However, I’m over dissecting your choices regarding not to start a life with me to prove your statement wrong to myself. Why wouldn’t it be true? I love you too.

I wrote a song last night. I’ve been writing like mad lately. I know you’re not a writer, but let me explain that when you are, at times the words feel channeled to you. They just come into your mind and you MUST write them down. When this happens they are always wonderful pieces of creative art that has now become something tangible.

I don’t know if you will ever be something tangible to me. Destiny seems not to think so. But, the things we said, the discussions we’ve had recently and the outpouring of what felt like words of true love towards one another, makes me somewhat okay with that. It rationalizes responsibility over romance. Secretly, I live for the moments when our connection yields unbridled romance; that place where we are both in another world of our own together, feeling the Exact. Same. Way. It makes me want to be close to you. To feel that way forever.

I wrote a song about you last night. This morning you are waking up to your pregnant wife. I am sipping coffee on my porch in the moonlight of early morning writing this down for no other reason besides that I thought somewhere, we should be should be etched it time. Not just in Sedona, but endlessly.

I wrote a song about you last night. It’s beautiful and if I had a guitar or piano I would have brought it to life in a magical way. Songs take us both away and I love that. It’s romantic.

I like when things line up just so,that even if you never know what’s going to happen, you know what have felt at times is special, because it’s so powerful in those moments that it just transcends...like music.

So, the song I wrote, it’s left open-ended with no expectation just possibility. I like that.

It’s fine either way really, because what you pull from me is what I love most about you. I often wonder what you love about me. I wonder why there’s always a wall between us, sometimes. But, when we ethereally meet up and it all lines up, it feels like the wall, distance, and circumstance are the real figments of my imagination.