A Peaceful Day

It was a peaceful day today. The sky washed itself in that trademarked blue that you imagined as a child when looking for the matching crayon. The sun above me was a yellow and orange flaming eye staring down, piercing my skin. The birds sang songs that could possibly make statues cry. I drove home with my arm feeling the cool breeze outside my sedan’s window. I simply had no words and dully had no thoughts. I only had this black bumpy road in front of me and whatever my senses as an animal could take.

I received a cold but comforting welcome as I walked through the dark brown door of my light green house. My boyfriend and sister sat on the couch and patted a spot in between them to sit. Once there, I left the envelope I was given on the table before us. Six eyes studied the corners and the glued flap. Thirty fingers attempted to muster the strength to open it. Three minds left pondering if this was reality. No one said a word. I raised my right had to my chest to calm the heart that was beginning to feel as though it would jump out of my body and run for the front door.

A gasp from each direction when I lifted it. Slowly, I started at one end and ripped to the other. It reminded me of the films of gangsters cutting the throats of their victims from ear to ear. I dropped the envelope. A small white check with small light blue lines and small black writing was left in my hand. Practically a feather in between my fingertips. I could never had imagined twenty thousand dollars to weigh so little and to be so thin. To feel so soft in my hands and to be so fragile. So easily it could be ripped from our lives with only records and memories having known that it had ever existed.

It just couldn’t be real I thought to myself. Twenty thousand dollars isn’t life changing but the disbelief of it being able to be held by my hand was still overwhelming. I deposited the check eventually, not being able to decide what to do with it, into a savings account. Perhaps that was the more respectable or maybe more responsible choice but I wasn’t sure. When the amount seemed real enough in my uneased mind and I accepted that I shouldn’t feel guilty about using it, I flew to see the rest of my family that I hadn’t seen since right before I had received that check.

The two-hour flight was just as any other sheet-thin metal tube rolling through the atmosphere. I imagined just how careless I was to get into something so claustrophobic and so deadly should it decide to give way to chaos and spin through the sky. But these fly all the time, right? How much danger was I really in?

Time began to run from me. The clouds seemed to dissipate and disappear in only moments. Everyone’s face began to blur as they turned from side to side, talking to their own companions or moving in their sleep. My heart ticked faster. The plane raced through and landed at the speed of a drag racing car. I watched as my luggage span at a hundred miles an hour around the conveyor belt. My heart tocked faster. The taxis were moving at the speed of light and I was lucky enough to have even caught one. My nerves were beginning to reach their limit. My hands were sweating profusely and felt cold and bitter. My heart was dropping lower and lower to the acidic pits of my stomach and…

Time stopped. The sky was peaceful. The air was quiet except for the chirping of a few birds. The sun stared down at me. And I stared at the front door of this small tan, red shingled house. A warm welcome when I walked in. Tears and smiles greeted me. A soda in my hand as I sat between them and talked about the quick flight from there to here. When came a distraction and I was able to stand, I snuck away to the garage that was mentioned during our conversations. A bright yellow light in the middle of a fan shown when I flicked the switch upward. A battered and bruised blue car rested in the center. Tattered bumpers and doors. No wheels and missing roof. I walked to the passenger side where I had sat. My makeup still strewn across the floor. My favorite lipstick broken into pieces in the back seat. I examined the place where the steering wheel had been, as well as the few drops of red on the seat from the cherry soda I spilled. My eyes began to produce a light sprinkle on my cheeks. A drop here and there. Then a few more. Then a full on storm washed down them. People drove these all the time. Weren’t cars supposed to be safe? It wasn’t even our fault. And these people think twenty thousand dollars was worth a human’s life?

All I had remembered was seeing the cloudy white sky, blue details of the cars exterior and a black road. All I had remembered after was his slight yelp and then nothing. I cried at the thought. At cried at the memories that might haunt me forever. I cried at the moment that in my arms, so fragilely, he was taken from existence. I drowned myself in tears.

Only a little black book peeking at me from the floor behind the seat parted the great flood I had created. A book I had seen before in his hands with a pencil in between his fingers. It seems I was always forgetful about his drawings and almost never really notice. He kept this hobby to himself most of the time. As I opened it, my eyes lit light fireworks, and they began to rain once more. Sketches of faces, of heads, animals, sky-scrapers. Markings and jagged lines making up the inconstancies of the body and other wonders of the world. I flipped and studied every page. Second to last was a bird standing on a branch. Body facing left yet head facing right at me. It stared at me patiently, waiting for me to turn the last page. An image of my brother’s face dated to the day before the accident. I stopped sobbing and began to wonder what his final thoughts were. Did he want me to be sad for him? To weep and cry. To howl as a wolf does. I don’t know. I only understood that whatever thoughts he had left in this world remained in this little book. I could only understand that the only thing I could have are memories and records that now included this little black book. But that wasn’t so bad the more I thought about it. It was a peaceful day. With a peaceful sun. And a peaceful bird chirping. Just like the his memories left in this peaceful little black book.