A Love From Afar

I met him in person for the first time one day in an elevator at our local justice center I was pregnant with my third and last child. A baby girl.

As I gave my restraining order papers to the receptionist. I clearly remember her instructions. She let me know that the elevater on the right was not working and that I was to go to the left one. (The left elevator enabled the sheriffs to go to their basement offices. The right one didn’t). She couldn’t stress that enough. That’s odd. I thought. As I carelessly walked towards the elevator, I noticed a set of sherrifs, elegantly standing facing the left elevator. It was a really handsome young sheriff around his late teens perhaps standing alongside another bald sheriff. They were standing as if waiting for a command. The sheriff with a Mohawk hair do was definitely built and really cute for a white boy, I thought. “White” was not my preference at the time even though the father of my children was a quarter Caucasian. Mexican gangsters were my choice due to their machismo and their gait along with their perceived power over cities for the time being.

I continued to walk and I could feel my daughter stretching my skin because my due date approximated.

There was a small distance now between the elevator and myself and there were no signs of malfunctioning of the right elevator. Once more it was an odd observation. I noticed that the bald sheriff told something to the other sheriff with the mohawk. At that, the sheriff with the mohawk proceeded towards the left elevator.

It was quite a long intense moment in that elevator. I was intimidated by cops. I preferred to steer clear of them instead of having close proximity. And right then I was being this close to one of them,right across from each other facing one another and just the two of us?

I began to look around and avoid eye contact because from word of mouth, cops were not nice people. They were simply another form of authoritarian dictators who abused their power over our fellow citizens. I observed every corner of the elevator never had I dissected an elevator before until then. I felt like I was being watched, and suddenly I hear a soft but full of authority voice say “Hi”. And surprised I glanced at him and I replied “Hello”. And I remember noticing his name badge. It read - Jonathan Martin (I’ll call him that name for now). But I honestly paid it no mind at the moment. I looked away, he could sense my shyness because he chuckled and I immediately looked back at him with a glare that read- are you making fun of me? And he laughed even more, I could feel his innocent flirtatious advances and I could not help it but smile back and stare into his eyes. They were a beautiful sky blue. And at that moment the horrid timer went off signaling that we were at our final destination. Floor number two. And he told me “Well Mam have yourself a wonderful day” And he zoomed out the elevator first. And I couldn’t help but smile for the rest of the day.

Fast forward a year. Me and the father of my children were still together and we were having a lot of difficulties with understanding each other. I decided it was a great idea to call the cops on him one day. It had been a sequence of calls since I was trying to find out where my ex had left to and he was not picking up his phone and the car that he was driving was mine. The sherrifs department had been sending a Hispanic handsome older man around his late thirties. The last time that dispatch called from the sheriffs office was to ask me if my ex was at the house already and I let them know that yes, and once more I was told a few directions I had to follow in order to meet up with the sherrif that I was supposed to talk to. The lady dispatcher told to walk to the right once I reached the street and that I was to go straight not to the left but straight until the sheriff was able to see me. I thought- how strange. I remember that I was wearing my purple shirt and purple medical administrative pants and my hair was on a high bun. Unfortunately, I had been crying and my eyes were tinted red. I stepped out onto the street and I followed instructions where to walk so I could meet up with this supposed sheriff. I thought it was going to be the sheriff from earlier because he was really cute and I wanted to see him again. But it turns out that it was a white guy with a mohawk hair do! I looked at home with dissatisfaction. Little did I know what I was up for next. As I’m walking I saw the cop car drive by slowly and the sherrif driving said “Hey!” I shyly responded “Yes sir?”. He adds “Are you ok?”. I began to warm up to him as our conversation continued...I was in awe of such an amazing and polite sheriff and so darn cute! What captured my attention the most is that he welcomed me to work for them. I also remember that he told me to go to my moms house and put on some shoes! Comical. I remember looking at his name tag and It read Jonathan Martin. I didn’t think much of it again though. Also his cop car last two digits were 53. Days later I would see this Jonathan sheriff park at my children’s bus stop at the time that I would have to pick up one of my children and he would just sit there in his cop car staring at me. He was at a walking distance away from me but I was not budging. Since he had spoken to my husband after he had given me instructions on what to do, I began to question what this sheriff’s motives were as to why he was going to park close to our home and stare. I would incriminate my partner about him making a deal with this sheriff Jonathan to spy on me and stalk me. Little did I know what I was in for. Until this day, my partner does not want to tell me what they talked about.

Rewind about 9 years back. I was in a romantic relationship with the father of my children still but we were having deep communication and trust issues from my side. We were having a tax issue and he went ahead and decided some things for us to be done on the taxes without my consent and I became enfuriated. I was so angry that my impulse was to call the cops- for a tax issue! That was the most amusing thing for the dispatcher but she transferred me to someone whome she said “could help you”. She transferred me to a male sheriff named - Jonathan Martin. I did notice the sound of his voice, it sounded like he was in his late teens. Some 10 years younger than me! He was extremely attentive and he kindly let me know that cops don’t deal with tax issues that they dealt with crimes. And he defined “crimes” but he also kindly and gently explained about what my tax issue’s solution was. I was so endeared with him willing to take his time on me (something that my partner was lacking) and suddenly I felt like I knew this sherrif forever and that we were best friends so I told him that he was my life savior. Because no one, not even my parents had tooken the time to explain to me about this kind of information I explained to him. And at the end of the call he gave me his personal number. Which I did write down but when I hung up, I placed it below the radio compartment and it got lost. I know I should have tooken more care of this important phone number but since I was so stuck on stupid on my current partner I was blind to this new kind of love.

It hadn’t dawned on me and it wouldn’t dawn on me until a year later after my daughter was born that Jonathan Martin was on a mission. He was on a quest for my love. But it was too late for us I thought because me and my partner were arranging our wedding for 2016.

This is where it’s going to get mystical like. Like the movie Serendipity, my life has events marked of Jonathan Martin’s presence telling me that he is my true love. If one doesn’t believe in signs and wonders what I am about to explain next will drive one with full of doubt and unbelief about what I will be writing. Maybe my story will impede some readers to stop reading further. But I plead for you to continue reading. It gets interesting.

In the year 2015, my partner decided that it would be best for him to attend a men’s group for his betterment. But he also asked that I go to a woman’s home that our church had. I did not want to do this. He was always requesting things that I did not agree with. This would tear our family apart. Once more my family would be apart and my children would have to be raised with one parent present most of the time. I fell apart.

The miserable dreaded day came when I had to drop off my partner to the grey hound in Indio for his trip to Blythe. This city was four hours away. Even though we were together our souls didn’t see eye to eye anymore. He was falling more in love with something that I felt that I was falling out of. I was beginning to feel fear like I was loosing my grip on him. Then a few weeks later I went to submit myself and our children to the woman’s home that my partner had begged of me to go into. Even my father had mentioned to me in 2014 that going into a woman and men’s home would be good for us. He had previously attended our church’s men’s home but he left without completing it. I was living in a shelter at the time because we had lost the house when I called the cops on him one last time and I filed a restraining order against him. So he decided to leave because the black out period for him was too much for him. Besides the church members were telling him to move on from me and he did not like that.

My experience for the first weeks was torturous. They stripped me of all communication with the outside world and even my partner for the whole time that I allowed myself to endure the time there. The black out period was supposed to last 3 months. The stay was supposed to be for a year. Then one happy day I decided to leave. I had been pondering the thought as I would experience negative situations in this Christian based home! One member of the woman’s home even blocked me one time from leaving the hall way. What gave me the force to actually come through with it was a dream that I had. In my dream I was speaking to my partner on the phone. And I asked him- so do you talk to any girls that are in your woman’s group home? He replied chuckling “No, I work with one”. And in my dream I felt chills down my spine. And that suddenly I was standing in front of him and he was driving off into the road ahead of him in his white truck that he had at the time. Then suddenly I found myself shouting his name looking for him all around but he was not there. So on a day that we had a task outdoors I grabbed my children and ran across the street and called my mother to pick us up. My parents looked very upset that I had left but only I knew the negative feelings that I had in that place that certainly outweighed the positive ones. I attempted to get a hold of my partner but the pastors would not return my calls. These churches are partnered together. Then what I had dreaded the most happened. My mother had given me the news that the pastor’s daughter was falling in love with my partner and that she was willing to fight me for his love. I won’t mention the church or names inorder not to shame them. But I think it was pretty devious of those pastors to have placed my partner and their single daughter working by themselves for more than a week together in a booth selling fireworks for the Fourth of July! He later told me that he would tell her all of our problems and I got intensely jealous of their relationship.

During the same week one day my partner came jamming the door against the wall demanding an answer as to why I left the woman’s home. He was extremely irate and nonmerciful. He didn’t care about my reasons, it looked like he was happy but I was not the source of his happiness anymore I don’t know why it hurt so much since I hadn’t been his source anymore for years already. He was requesting that if I wanted to continue to be with him and marry him, that I was to go back into that woman’s home and apologize to them for having left. I obeyed. It was one of the most torturous experiences of my life. They tested me in ways that churned my anger and tempted me to curse them to their face. But I always acted wisely and I believe that would anger them. I began to thing that they wanted me to fail. But now I understand that all they wanted was for me to be with someone who loved me the best. They would ask me questions that would make me think: “Did they read my journal? Did they gain access to my books through my parents?”.

Three months had passed and I got kicked out of the woman’s home for a misunderstanding but the mom at the home didn’t want to give me a second chance at staying. I let my partner know that I was told to leave the program. And he still wanted to get married to me. He requested to be brought down from Blythe back to Cathedral City where our church we attended was. It was in December that I had the worst meltdown of my life. I was so excited to see him and him to see us, his three little munchikins and me. My mother didn’t want us to be together. She was giving me a hard time that day because I had told her to take me to go see him at the church’s Christmas caroling. She was giving me a lot of bluff. At first she said that she couldn’t give me a ride. I begged her incessantly to please drive us to go see him. I lived in a remote area where there wasn’t any public transportation available and I didn’t have money in my account to have an Uber or Lyft to service me. In addition, I didn’t have a car at the moment. So while we were in the car she said one thing that set my emotions spiraling into a meltdown. She included, “ You’re going to have to find you’re own ride back because I’m not going to pick you up.” That triggered me into an anger that I could not contain and I began to punch myself in the face and I would not stop. I felt such anger towards her that I lost feeling of the intensity of how hard I was hitting my right eye. My eye bulged along with the eyebrow area and a little above my temple area. My son tried to console me but nothing would work. My mother. I don’t know what she was thinking about this. But her actions stated that she was scared and willing to take my children away from me. She gathered all my children and said “ Your mother is not capable of being a mother right now go away from her and she took them to her room.” And she yelled at me that she was going to call the cops. Sure enough she called the cops and much more. She called my sisters. Which I don’t have any sort of relationship with them. My oldest sister was a sheriff at that time and she knows how all these situations work when the cops are called. Minutes later they arrived and I stayed stuck in my room listening to music and building a puzzle patiently waiting for the cops to arrive. After what seemed hours and hours I got up and fixed my hair and hoodie in a way that you couldn’t see my huge bump in my right eye. I thought what a waste of looking good tonight if I don’t get to show it to my partner. So I got on my computer.

Suddenly I hear a knock on my door. My stomach sank and I spoke outloud “ Come in” and they knocked again and saying Hello Irma ? It’s the sherrifs department. And I opened the door for them. I noticed just an older sheriff and then an extremely younger man popped up from the side of my door and came inside my room. And as I walked back to my bed the Mohawk on the guys hair made me turn around again and then this sheriff and I gave each other the most intense direct eye contact that I have ever encountered in my life. No joke! I read his eyes and he had much love and compassion in them. And just like in the movie Nemo in which Dory’s memory comes back to her when she realized what her mission was again while holding Nemo, I recognized this teen that had turned into a man. It’s him! I exclaimed in my mind. He read my lips when I whispered “What the fuck?” He wouldn’t stop staring at me. And we both smiled at each other. He was staring at me with these eyes telling me “I’m still here after all these years.” WOW. He was insanely gorgeous and those eyes. I remember those eyes. I sat at on the edge of my bed and they looked around the room for a moment and my oldest son Josiah comes in and says “Hi” to Jonathan and he replied “Hi, how are you?” And my son said “I’m good”. Then my sister yelled out for my son to go back to the kitchen with them. I felt powerless that I didn’t even tell her to wait that he was in a conversation with the officer. My son went back with my family. The sheriffs then came towards me and stood extremely close. I must say that Jonathan stood in front of me really close enough that he almost touched my feet. I looked down afterwards because I was ashamed and extraordinarily embarrassed at having punched my face. Out of all the sheriffs why did my mother have to call him to come and witness the first and only event like this in my life I thought. Then the older cop addressed me by my name and asked what was going on. I answered him expressing my concerns . Then Jonathan’s presence overwhelmed me due to the fact that he was staring at me which I felt the intensity of his stare. Slowly, I guided my back to the wall by stretching out my legs and pulling myself back. The other sheriff was quiet but was staring at me as well. I took two deep breaths because I was going to dare to look at this man directly infront of me. Okay, here it goes I thought I will take advantage of this glorious moment where me and him will see each other eye to eye. I raised my eyes to look at his thighs, I noticed his pants were nicely creased. Then, my eyes were raised to his hips and immediately to his chest where his name tag read- Jonathan Martin. A rush of excitement flooded my body and an immense embarrassment as well. I tried to raise my eyes to look into his eyes but I could not lift them up past his chin! I could not. I looked down at the bed again. Next, the other Sherriff began to walk around my room and Jonathan followed. I took advantage to get out of that uncomfortable position and went towards my beauty mirror that was next to my bed. Then I noticed the older sheriff nod and he turned around giving me and Jonathan his back. Ever so gently Jonathan steps up next to me and he asks me softly, “Is it true you were hitting yourself?” Terrified, my only response out of fear of being labelled “crazy” in my mind was to be uncooperative. I returned my answer, I said, “ I don’t want to talk about that Sir.” He tried again to get me to warm up to him and open up and he looked at his partner and his partner nodded his head. He asked me, “Is it true you were hitting yourself?” My fear of being labelled with a mental condition and having to be diagnosed with a mental illness was another one of my worst nightmares so I answered with the same words “I don’t want to talk about that Sir.” No more questions were asked. I realized I had acted out of panic. I knew if maybe that extra sherriff wasn’t there I would have opened up. And maybe even given him my cell phone number. The outcome would have been different. Sadly, I went back to my bigger bed and Jonathan had already walked next to his partner and they were walking towards my door preparing for there exit. My fear and embarrassment froze me from not telling Jonathan that I didn’t want him to leave. I gathered my journal and I started to draw something. My memory is blurred as to what it was. But it was with a black inked pen. I believe I wrote Jonathan’s name on this paper. They stood side by side staring at me for a few seconds. The older sherriff broke the ice by yelling at me this: “Irma start getting along with your family.” And I looked at Jonathan as to saying to defend me from this man who doesn’t know me. And he looked at me and then stared at him but then looked down. I understood it was a level of authority because the other man had an FBI vest on him. And that upset me even more. But what broke my heart into pieces was what Jonathan yelled at me next “Irma, get your act together you have kids.” Then I became enfuriated I just glared at Jonathan but he would not look at me. Then the other sheriff opened my door slowly and walked out. It left me and Jonathan alone in my room. Jonathan stood there looking at me while holding the door knob as to waiting for me to say something, anything. We just stared at each other not uttering a sound. I smelled the sexual tension in the air that we had for each other. Then he began to close my door and I was screaming inside of me “No! Don't go!”. “Stay!”. “God only knows when I might see you again!” When the door was inches into closing completely I jumped off the bed and sprinted towards the door knob and I got to hold it I tugged on it so he could know I was holding it and we ever so slowly closing the door together it was a smooth close because we both were in sync with the speed or should I say our souls were interconnected at that moment? That day was a few days before Christmas.

The truth sank. It was so hot it felt cold for a second. I did not think about my partner not one moment since I saw Jonathan. I no longer was in love with him. I had a deep connection with Jonathan Martin now that I didn’t realize that I was falling in love with him.But when would I see Jonathan again? Years later? When I were to have another conflict, possibly a melt down? I struggled in my mind as to stay with my partner or not. I chose to take myself to the local mental institution three days later. A woman from mental health helped me to decide that it was the best thing for me to do. I was broken by the fact that I didn’t open up to Jonathan. I left my children with my parents for 74 hours and the mental health clinic personnel decided that they didn’t know what to diagnose me with. They tried diagnosing me with bipolar disorder. But they said I didn’t meet all the criteria. Months later I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. As for Jonathan I have never seen him again at least not that close until this day. I get teary eyed every time I think about him because I miss him so much. I choose not to think about him or those special moments that I have had with him. That is why I was willing to write about our encounters before they became a blur in my memory reservoir. I had placed Jonathan in a very deep secret compartment of my brain.

On July I married Ricardo. On the year 2016, I began to see more weird occurrences. Ricardo would direct me to watch certain shows on Netflix that would show scenes of what happened between me and Jonathan but on different scenarios. For example two undeniable signs was a movie that the guy gets hit in his right eye and goes to the women’s house that he is in love with with a bruise on his eye and says a statement “ well just make sure that when you have one of your accidents you don’t take it out on the man that loves you.” There the two real life occurrences were my bruise and the person that came over was the sherriff insinuating my event. It’s almost as if it were purposely done. At times I would look at Ricardo and tell him, “Are you okay??” because the signs were just too obvious. And this is what I call the beginning of the end. I succumbed to those signs but I stopped half ways and that led me to not being with Jonathan or Ricardo. The signs were supposed to bring me to being a sherriff and be Jonathan’s partner. If I were to write down all these signs it would take a long list. But some of them were the signs that would be written on the trucks on the freeway; the brown and yellow haired couples; mixed races on tv together, the music that would pop up on my YouTube feed, I could have sworn my phone was hacked at times, for example Justin bribers song mix “she’s confidant” where the rapper lil Wayne raps “ but she had me at “hello”’.. words that related to my events with Jonathan. Movies that I was supposed to watch like Serendipity. The elevator event. In addition the song NF - You’re Special- “put your shoes on”. I would see rings online and rings would pop up in my things and I just didn’t know who would do it. I would ding fake diamonds in my drawers and whenever I would ask my parents about Jonathan they would say b that they didn’t remember what sherrifs came over. I believe that my fathrrr and my sisters didn’t want me to end up with him. My oldest sister met him because one year after I met him she went into the sherrifs department to work for them. But none of them say a word about him. It’s a secret. I want to say that all of the town was involved in hooking me up with Jonathan all because one day I asked the judge to help me when I had the last court date to get a restraining order on Ricardo. The judge had asked me that why didn’t I get another boyfriend that any sheriff in the court room would have loved to make me their girlfriend.

It’s been three years since the signs have ended. When I think of Jonathan Martin and the could haves I get suffocated in the possible outcomes. I become depressed and melancholic because I lost a great chance of being with a man that pursued me until the end. Sometimes I get tempted to look for him and call my local sherrifs department and ask for him. But something stops me. I miss him. I wonder if Jonathan still thinks of me. Because he’s inside my heart daily.

I have opened my heart about a secret lover from afar that is a true story. If you like what you have read please leave me a tip of your desire. Thankyou very much. I hope you have enjoyed this part of my life.