A hug from a spirit friend

When I think of you, I think of everything kind, generous, and what is still right within this world. You were even so much more than that, but it is truly hard to put into words. You were someone I had admired, though you would have never known how I felt about you. Hell, you were always so modest, you probably had no clue how many others wanted to be you, and all together held admiration for you.

There was something so angelic about the way that you moved, how you would speak, perform, and sing. If someone ever walked into a room and introduced you as an Earth Angel, everyone in the room would have shook heads in agreeance. I personally can’t think of a better way to describe you. A girl named Beth, an Angel who once walked this earth. Within every classmates eyes, as they would sit watching you perform, sing, or just speak, you would forever be dialed in their hearts as someone who radiated love and was deserving of respect.

I want you to know if we could do it all again, it would have been you I called on a Saturday night to watch a movie or share a secret with. Because of you, I will go on to teach my children what makes a person a good friend, and how to recognize the qualities of a good soul. Some of my fondest teenage memories will be that of the time we took the stage together.

You were the kind of person who didn’t have to really know someone to reach out to help them. You reaching out beyond our own distance, is the perfect testament of how you lived your life. It certainly never stopped you from offering me your loving hand. None of the friendships that I had spent years pouring my heart into has ever compared, and not one of those candles has stayed lit to this day. Many women are laying in bed each night praying for a friend such as you. If only I could see back then, how I have grown to see it now, through my spiritual eyes.

As years went by after high school and even further we grew a part … I continued to see you from afar. Always the first one to respond to someone in need, a faithful instrument in your church, an amazing wife, and mother. You were everything you were way back when, though now you held the experiences of this world.

When you reached out to me years ago at the bottom of my cliff, despite our distance, you really seen me. I was not so sure anyone could see me. I was so ill, praying every day that God would just heal me or take me, my overtaking fear was holding me hostage. As only an Earth Angel could, you prayed with me, inspired me, shared with me your story, and helped me to overcome my fears. I can’t seem to remember if I thanked you appropriately. I will forever be grateful to you, for helping me during my hardship.

I want to share our story, honestly, because this world needs more of you. If we can inspire someone else to be kind, to reach out to others in need, to be an ear for someone at the bottom of their own cliff, to be a friend, to spread light, they truly could save someone…I can’t seem to think of anything more spiritual and more powerful then that….you may no longer be here in this physical world but you continue to make a difference in it.

Even though we both went back to living our busy lives, I continued to wish you well from across the net. I had to stop in my tracks the day I was making a mindless scroll through media and seen that you were now up against battling a beast. “It’s not fair,” I screamed inside. Not anyone, ever, should have this on a plate, surely, not your plate. God, had made a mistake. My heart hurt so much for you, your family, and your children. I felt so helpless. Doing the only thing that I could; I began lifting you in prayer.

I want you to know that I wrestled with reaching out to you. I wanted so badly to share a part of me with you, my spiritual beliefs. I was stuck in this egotistical, fear based mindset, that you would reject me. See, I feared all of that because of your strong faith.

My God, what has this world made of us…

By the time that I finally got out of my own way, you were in a long state of illness. I likely, have no idea, of just how bad things were for you. I offered up some healing sessions to you, though when I never heard back, I kept holding you in prayer. My heart longed for you to be healed…

When you left this earth, I know that you took your earthly wings with you. Those wings have now turned heavenly, growing beyond measure. An Earth Angel could certainly never stop being an Angel when they get to the other side, your proving it like so…

So over the last couple of months I had been experiencing some medical concerns that would have me to believe something is seriously going haywire within me. My original physical checked out, though I was instructed to have a mammogram. I was dragging my feet for weeks, making the appointment, all the while creating a fear within myself that I was going to be plagued with some bad news. Should I start planning my funeral; I kept questioning myself. I will spare you from my long tangent of medical anxiety, medical fears, and medical ptsd. Yep, it’s true, even a spiritual guru like me has to continue to work through her shit.

With the appointment finally set, my nagging anxiety looming, I set out to keep myself busy. Two days prior to my exam I met with a fellow spiritual medium. During our exchange, you popped in making yourself known…You, amaze me. You shared your support across the veil, assured me that everything would turn out okay, and let me know that I was not going to go through any of this alone. Just as you did for me all those years ago in the physical. What did I ever do to deserve your kindness, your friendship? With my entire being, I am thankful for you.

Having had our exchange a few days prior, I felt it to be a little easier slipping into the seat of my car that morning of my appointment. I didn’t want the noise of the radio as I made the commute, just silence. As I neared the city, I could start to feel that I was no longer alone. I didn’t need to hear your name, or see your face, I could feel you present with every part of my soul. Again, you amaze me.

I whispered to you, thank you. I was trying so hard to hold myself together and to be strong. The fact that you would stop your heavenly duties to hold measly old me up, well I can’t seem to find the words to describe what that means to me.

My knees and hands began to shake as I parked my car in the parking garage. I said a quick prayer with you. Then talking to myself, I headed into the hospital, “just get this over with; it is better to know then not know; you need to pull yourself together…” I could also hear my mother’s sound advice ringing in my ears, “pull up your big girl panities, these are just things we must do in life.” I kept walking, despite my urge to run the other direction.

As I stood there waiting for someone to help me check in, it felt like an eternity. I honestly felt like I could faint, not one person in that entire hospital was in tune with what was happening, the spinning walls, the jello like floors, or the loud, loud ringing that was crowding my space. Shoot me, I thought; I’m probably dying anyways.

Finally, a women comes out and says, “follow me, I can get you checked in.” I follow her, happy to sit down for a second, just to breathe. I look up at her and notice her name tag. Her name, was your name, her name was Beth. In that instant, no matter what was to be, I was going to make it through. You gave to me the ultimate sign of knowing I was not walking this alone. Thank you, my friend, for helping to hold me up.

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With every spiritual experience I have been blessed to encounter, it never ceases to amaze me. I feel so fortunate every single day to know without a shadow of a doubt that we do not walk our lives here alone. I never want to be someone that takes this gift of knowing for granted.